I'm schizoaffective bipolar type and also have an anxiety disorder. The depression phases that I go through are horrible, but the anxiety is even worse, and so is the paranoia. I have my suicide tool ready and waiting for me and I've had it for a little while now. When I had tried to commit suicide before, I tried an overdose of prescription medication, but that didn't work. I could never shoot myself because last year I read an article about a woman who shot herself and survived and had to get a face transplant. The thought of surviving a gunshot wound doesn't appeal to me. Overdoses don't appeal to me because I've tried them twice before and they didn't work. So now I have my method and I'm sure it's guaranteed to work. I can't stop thinking about it. It seems like nearly every day I think about going to the bedroom and killing myself. I keep waiting, thinking I can make it a little while longer. I'll even have a good day or two and think everything is better, but it doesn't last. My whole life there have been good days, but only every now and then. I hate the cycles of mental illness. I hate the triggers.
This anxiety that I've experienced since I was a child doesn't get better. It only gets worse. Now I'm almost 41 years old and it's the worst it's ever been. No amount of medication or counseling helps me. The depression is the same way - it keeps coming in rapid cycles. No medication or therapy helps it. I know people will be hurt if I leave, but surely they would understand that I don't want to suffer? How much longer can I keep living for other people? I've tried but I don't want to keep suffering. Anxiety is the worst thing I've ever experienced, even worse than my MS. It seems I've never had emotional support from my family. I don't have any friends. I can't talk to my mom about my illness. When I was in high-school, I tried to commit suicide by swallowing pills and my sister saw it and reported me to the school counselor. They took me out of school and said I couldn't come back until I went to a mental health center and got counseling. My mom took me there and sat me in a chair at the lady's desk and said, "my daughter is fine. I will not let her come here. She doesn't need help." Maybe she wanted to ignore all the anxiety I've experienced since my father used to severely beat me with the belt when I was a child, leaving bruises all over my body....teachers asking where the bruises came from and I had to tell them I fell off my bike. Since I was about four or five years old, when the belt beatings started regularly, I've had terrible anxiety. It's never gone away. Now, I'm 41 years old, I still have bad anxiety. I talk to my father but I'm still afraid of him. The psychologist thinks all my problems are biological. I don't think there is anything that can be done for me. I've been in therapy since I was out of my mother's home in 2001. I've been on medication since then, too. Nothing helps. If the medicine doesn't help, why don't I just stop taking it? It's because I'm afraid of what I'll feel like without it. If the counseling doesn't help, why don't I just stop going? It's because I can't get medicine without going to counseling.
I'm stuck in a rut. There is no escape from this for me. My options are to keep suffering or to find peace by ending it all. I don't much like the prospect of spending years like this.
Reading the posts here on this website helps me feel that I'm not alone. I see other people suffering. I wish I could help everyone. I wish I could help myself. I want to save the world, but I can't even save myself.
This anxiety that I've experienced since I was a child doesn't get better. It only gets worse. Now I'm almost 41 years old and it's the worst it's ever been. No amount of medication or counseling helps me. The depression is the same way - it keeps coming in rapid cycles. No medication or therapy helps it. I know people will be hurt if I leave, but surely they would understand that I don't want to suffer? How much longer can I keep living for other people? I've tried but I don't want to keep suffering. Anxiety is the worst thing I've ever experienced, even worse than my MS. It seems I've never had emotional support from my family. I don't have any friends. I can't talk to my mom about my illness. When I was in high-school, I tried to commit suicide by swallowing pills and my sister saw it and reported me to the school counselor. They took me out of school and said I couldn't come back until I went to a mental health center and got counseling. My mom took me there and sat me in a chair at the lady's desk and said, "my daughter is fine. I will not let her come here. She doesn't need help." Maybe she wanted to ignore all the anxiety I've experienced since my father used to severely beat me with the belt when I was a child, leaving bruises all over my body....teachers asking where the bruises came from and I had to tell them I fell off my bike. Since I was about four or five years old, when the belt beatings started regularly, I've had terrible anxiety. It's never gone away. Now, I'm 41 years old, I still have bad anxiety. I talk to my father but I'm still afraid of him. The psychologist thinks all my problems are biological. I don't think there is anything that can be done for me. I've been in therapy since I was out of my mother's home in 2001. I've been on medication since then, too. Nothing helps. If the medicine doesn't help, why don't I just stop taking it? It's because I'm afraid of what I'll feel like without it. If the counseling doesn't help, why don't I just stop going? It's because I can't get medicine without going to counseling.
I'm stuck in a rut. There is no escape from this for me. My options are to keep suffering or to find peace by ending it all. I don't much like the prospect of spending years like this.
Reading the posts here on this website helps me feel that I'm not alone. I see other people suffering. I wish I could help everyone. I wish I could help myself. I want to save the world, but I can't even save myself.
