I can't take this anymore. I'm going to cbt. I just want everything to stop. I've been thinking about it for years and now I just want out. I know everyone here has probably heard this all before but I really need to vent somewhere.
I first found this site last year at my lowest point; it was the first time I had genuinely believed I was going to kms. I had thought about it before, but that was the first time I was going to go through with it. I was in uni then, so I went to therapy through my school (no records of it in any medical or insurance file thankfully) and thought I was doing better but now I'm back here again feeling that same low. Ngl, I'm not quite as far gone yet but I can feel myself spiraling and I know it's only a matter of time.
I've been thinking about how I'll do it and I honestly don't know. I'm in a new city so I don't know if there's any buildings I could jump off of nearby. I can't buy a gun because I don't have an ID for this state. I'm not desperate enough to try and buy SN because I'm more worried about being scammed (I know it doesn't matter if I'm gone but I like money, sue me). I don't know where I would hang myself.
My biggest reservation, though, is my roommates. I just met them this month and they are all really sweet. I can tell one of them for sure already has issues so I can only imagine what finding a dead body would do to her. Plus, the lease for our place is only in my name, so I want to figure out how they can stay here when I'm dead since none of us have family in the city or anything. The worst thing, though, is that I don't think they would find me until it starts to smell, and that's if I do it at home. Who knows how long it will take if I do it somewhere else. And how would my friends find out? Like, I know they would call my family under some emergency contact listed somewhere, but my friends wouldn't know unless my uni released a mass email about it. My mom has no way to contact them. I guess they would find out in the fall when I don't show up, but still.
I think it's better that they wouldn't know. I'm a terrible friend anyway. And I tried for them; I tried so hard. I've been trying for years but it's just too hard. I just can't picture a future for myself, and yeah I never have been able to but it's getting too close now and I feel like now is when it ends. Honestly it should have ended years ago, I never thought I would get this far but I was holding on for a friend I don't even talk to anymore. She had enough shit to deal with. My new friends, though, they have good families and good friends and each other. My mom has her boyfriend and my sister has her friends. My roommates have each other and their friends. To be honest, despite all of these people in my life that say they care about me, I don't feel close to a single on of them. Sure, they'll be sad for like, a month. But after that, it will be as if I never existed.
Anyways, sorry for all of that. It's not like I have the right to feel this way; my life is sooo great and I have soo many opportunities that I barely had to work for. I think that pisses me off more than anything. I'm so depressed that I've stopped trying but nobody notices because the outcome is good anyway.
I first found this site last year at my lowest point; it was the first time I had genuinely believed I was going to kms. I had thought about it before, but that was the first time I was going to go through with it. I was in uni then, so I went to therapy through my school (no records of it in any medical or insurance file thankfully) and thought I was doing better but now I'm back here again feeling that same low. Ngl, I'm not quite as far gone yet but I can feel myself spiraling and I know it's only a matter of time.
I've been thinking about how I'll do it and I honestly don't know. I'm in a new city so I don't know if there's any buildings I could jump off of nearby. I can't buy a gun because I don't have an ID for this state. I'm not desperate enough to try and buy SN because I'm more worried about being scammed (I know it doesn't matter if I'm gone but I like money, sue me). I don't know where I would hang myself.
My biggest reservation, though, is my roommates. I just met them this month and they are all really sweet. I can tell one of them for sure already has issues so I can only imagine what finding a dead body would do to her. Plus, the lease for our place is only in my name, so I want to figure out how they can stay here when I'm dead since none of us have family in the city or anything. The worst thing, though, is that I don't think they would find me until it starts to smell, and that's if I do it at home. Who knows how long it will take if I do it somewhere else. And how would my friends find out? Like, I know they would call my family under some emergency contact listed somewhere, but my friends wouldn't know unless my uni released a mass email about it. My mom has no way to contact them. I guess they would find out in the fall when I don't show up, but still.
I think it's better that they wouldn't know. I'm a terrible friend anyway. And I tried for them; I tried so hard. I've been trying for years but it's just too hard. I just can't picture a future for myself, and yeah I never have been able to but it's getting too close now and I feel like now is when it ends. Honestly it should have ended years ago, I never thought I would get this far but I was holding on for a friend I don't even talk to anymore. She had enough shit to deal with. My new friends, though, they have good families and good friends and each other. My mom has her boyfriend and my sister has her friends. My roommates have each other and their friends. To be honest, despite all of these people in my life that say they care about me, I don't feel close to a single on of them. Sure, they'll be sad for like, a month. But after that, it will be as if I never existed.
Anyways, sorry for all of that. It's not like I have the right to feel this way; my life is sooo great and I have soo many opportunities that I barely had to work for. I think that pisses me off more than anything. I'm so depressed that I've stopped trying but nobody notices because the outcome is good anyway.
