i had a really bad day today. my only solace lately is self harm. my love knows about it and tries to discourage me but i keep going back to my blade over and over. my thighs have never looked worse and ive started to mark up my arm too. my skin is ugly with scars and i hate them. i wish i could go deeper than the white stuff and see some fat, but i fear having huge scars and i cannot go to a hospital in fear of having a big hospital bill.
a lot of the reason i feel so suicidal is because i feel worthless. i have been nothing but a mooch and a leach against everyone i love lately and its tearing me apart. no matter how hard i work, i feel useless and i never make enough to get by anymore. i dont know if i ever will. i want to go to college soon and im going to be paying lower rent soon, but i feel so burdensome and i owe so many bills and debts at such a young age, i dont see the point in living through it anymore. it always gets worse and worse.
that and the paranoia. i have been getting borderline schizophrenic-kind of hallucinations, delusions, and the deepest sense of paranoia ive ever felt in my life. i am going fucking insane and i do not put it lightly. my parent has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar so i fear i have much of the same, on top of crippling autism that cost me my most recent job.
i dont see a lot of hope going forward, but im also too cowardly to end it all. who knows what will happen in the coming months or years. i just have to live to see, i guess.
i also like to read people's goodbye threads here. i guess they calm me down a bit, in a weird way; i hope that doesnt sound insulting or offensive. it kind of helps me realize that there is a way out and while i dont know if its the right way for me or not, there are others who have had success and have hopefully found peace with it. its a way to rationalize myself when im the most unstable.
I can relate. I've been suicidal for years but now it's in my head 24/7. I'm exhausted from the depression and anxiety. I have a lot of self hatred. I'm hoping to finally ctb in a couple of weeks. I would say you are more than welcome to talk to me but I was told by someone on here that I wasn't helpful because I hated myself to much.
Well you are in good company here friend. Ever since I hit puberty a sense of dread has hanged over me. It has never gone away. At times is will get better, but it is always looming and always returns. ... (cont)
Existing can certainly be tiring and cruel as there is no real relief from ourselves and our thoughts. I get that it can be dreadful when life just gets worse, causing us to experience more suffering... (cont)
I'm sorry life has brought you here. I think the first time I considered suicide, it did frighten me- I was pretty young though- aged 10. For me, I guess I'd just internalised what people around me and society itself feels about it. In truth, now I can't even imagine living without those thoughts.
... (cont)
I understand you... (cont)
i cant respond to all of you individually, but i hope my thread kind of covered all bases. it feels a bit better getting it all written out. thank you all for the warm welcome.