Help I can't stop thinking about suicide. Not sure what to do. What should I do?

[Onasis]

Every night when I lie in bed, I think how much I have wasted my life and how far I am behind. Full grown adult who still live with parents.

My depression has been around for damn near a decade now which has ruined my mental health and physical health due to all the weight gained. I have a useless degree so tons of debt and a low paying job while living in an area where there are next to zero opportunities.

The healthcare is also horrible so I don't get great mental health care. Most of my therapists are borderline scammers while psychiatrist just pump me full of meds and tell me "eh you gotta figure it out on your own".

At this point I have no interests/passions and I damn sure don't have any skills. I'm trash at everything and struggle to improve at anything I do. I really want to die. I don't have the balls to commit suicide because I would be even more of a disgrace to my family that way.

At the same time, I'm not sure if I should tell my therapist this because she might decide to put me in some sort of ward which I can't afford to do because then I wouldn't be able to work and even if it was the weekends, I couldn't do that either because if my parents found out they would mock and judge me which will make my depression even worse.

All I think about is suicide. Therapy and meds don't work. My body feels like it's slowly failing and I'm tired of seeing doctors for that as well. What should I do on this situation?

 

[PrisonPlanetBreak]

Someone please correct me if I'm wrong (because I've never been in therapy), but if you feel like this is something you'd want to talk about with you therapist, as long as you do not admit to being actively suicidal or you don't admit to having an actual plan to CTB (which it sounds like you don't, you just think about suicide when you lie in bed), then your therapist should not send you to the ward.

I'm sorry but that's all the insights I can provide. Remember that we do NOT encourage suicide here, so I'm not going to tell you to go ahead and CTB, but I also won't shove the "it gets better" agenda down your throat. You say you have a degree, albeit useless. Maybe try talking to people who have the same degree and see what jobs they work. See if there's anything in the field better for you. If you say your city does not provide any opportunities, maybe you should consider something remote? Most people think of computer science, but I think the pandemic opened up a range much larger than that, and you can find jobs that involve using a computer and don't have a high skill ceiling.​

 

[BlackBlood6]

Can relate. Honestly... I don't even blame myself now. It's some sort of damn matrix thing going on. Where I live, it's in everyone, nobody wants to be alive anymore. Everyone just keeps getting more than they can deal with, and personally even after finding what I think to be a way to deal with things FINALLY, it's still not only too late to remedy things but there is still insurmountable obstacles in my way that just won't let me move the way I want.

Shits a joke. The thing about the matrix is people are programmed to think they can someday, somehow escape it even though first of all when they come to that conclusion, too late... second of all they never do anyways. Some kinda sick joke. Takes the pressure off me finally though thinking it's my fault. It's not. It's just not.

But yeah, same situation here. It's like i'm looking into a mirror. Meds don't work, etc etc.

I'm sorry but that's all the insights I can provide. Remember that we do NOT encourage suicide here, so I'm not going to tell you to go ahead and CTB,​

You must be new here.....

 

[PrisonPlanetBreak]

You must be new here.....

I'm not that new, but it's actually one of the rules in fact, if you browse to it via Rules & Info under the DO NOT section:

• (DO NOT) Encourage acts, ask for encouragement, or help anyone commit any acts.
  • Do not encourage, suggest, manipulate, coerce, or help users carry out acts of any nature whatsoever, including suicide; only provide factual information and emotional support to those who ask for it. Do not try to get the community to tell you what to do, only you can choose your path and actions.

And you did not break it, you didn't tell the guy/gal "yeah CTB whatever", and neither did I. I told them my thoughts on the matter, and you shared your similar feelings.

 

[BlackBlood6]

Oh wow, I must be new here... I see. I could see why that would be the case too actually. Thank you for the correction.

 

[sanction]

Same, I can't stop thinking about it every single day

There is just too much bullshit responsibilities and hassles required for everyday survival, that is becoming an endless torture

All I can realistically see and predict for the future, is just decades and decades of on-going, non-stop different tasks I have no motivation to do at all, but have zero options, so forced to endure them all regardless

Just the making money part alone is already tearing me apart. All the bullshit torture that is required to get through life, compared to the rewards we get from it, is simply not balanced or worth it at all

Its 90% negative, and only 10% positive

I'm suffocating everyday.......... just rotting away silently in the background as an invisible person......... struggling and fading away from pain

I just can't help but have deep hatred for my parents for throwing me into this hell, just to suffer and rot away on my own like this

 

[Onasis]

Someone please correct me if I'm wrong (because I've never been in therapy), but if you feel like this is something you'd want to talk about with you therapist, as long as you do not admit to being actively suicidal or you don't admit to having an actual plan to CTB (which it sounds like you don't, you just think about suicide when you lie in bed), then your therapist should not send you to the ward.

I'm sorry but that's all the insights I can provide. Remember that we do NOT encourage suicide here, so I'm not going to tell you to go ahead and CTB, but I also won't shove the "it gets better" agenda down your throat. You say you have a degree, albeit useless. Maybe try talking to people who have the same degree and see what jobs they work. See if there's anything in the field better for you. If you say your city does not provide any opportunities, maybe you should consider something remote? Most people think of computer science, but I think the pandemic opened up a range much larger than that, and you can find jobs that involve using a computer and don't have a high skill ceiling.​

Yeah, I've talked to many different therapists. My current one just kind of nods along. She doesn't look too interested most of the time. Therapy feels more and more like a scam to me each session. I'm tired feeling like life isn't worth living. For me, all I see in the future is working a bullshit job that I don't care about to make just enough money to be broke. Go through a bunch of misery. Die. It's all pointless.

Same, I can't stop thinking about it every single day

There is just too much bullshit responsibilities and hassles required for everyday survival, that is becoming an endless torture

All I can realistically see and predict for the future, is just decades and decades of on-going, non-stop different tasks I have no motivation to do at all, but have zero options, so forced to endure them all regardless

Just the making money part alone is already tearing me apart. All the bullshit torture that is required to get through life, compared to the rewards we get from it, is simply not balanced or worth it at all

Its 90% negative, and only 10% positive

I'm suffocating everyday.......... just rotting away silently in the background as an invisible person......... struggling and fading away from pain

I just can't help but have deep hatred for my parents for throwing me into this hell, just to suffer and rot away on my own like this

I can relate to this , but I don't hate my parents. They could have not predicted to raise someone so useless and talentless as myself.

Same, I can't stop thinking about it every single day

There is just too much bullshit responsibilities and hassles required for everyday survival, that is becoming an endless torture

All I can realistically see and predict for the future, is just decades and decades of on-going, non-stop different tasks I have no motivation to do at all, but have zero options, so forced to endure them all regardless

Just the making money part alone is already tearing me apart. All the bullshit torture that is required to get through life, compared to the rewards we get from it, is simply not balanced or worth it at all

Its 90% negative, and only 10% positive

I'm suffocating everyday.......... just rotting away silently in the background as an invisible person......... struggling and fading away from pain

I just can't help but have deep hatred for my parents for throwing me into this hell, just to suffer and rot away on my own like this

I can relate to this , but I don't hate my parents. They could have not predicted to raise someone so useless and talentless as myself.

 

[figurehead]

Every night when I lie in bed, I think how much I have wasted my life and how far I am behind. Full grown adult who still live with parents.

My depression has been around for damn near a decade now which has ruined my mental health and physical health due to all the weight gained. I have a useless degree so tons of debt and a low paying job while living in an area where there are next to zero opportunities.

The healthcare is also horrible so I don't get great mental health care. Most of my therapists are borderline scammers while psychiatrist just pump me full of meds and tell me "eh you gotta figure it out on your own".

At this point I have no interests/passions and I damn sure don't have any skills. I'm trash at everything and struggle to improve at anything I do. I really want to die. I don't have the balls to commit suicide because I would be even more of a disgrace to my family that way.

At the same time, I'm not sure if I should tell my therapist this because she might decide to put me in some sort of ward which I can't afford to do because then I wouldn't be able to work and even if it was the weekends, I couldn't do that either because if my parents found out they would mock and judge me which will make my depression even worse.

All I think about is suicide. Therapy and meds don't work. My body feels like it's slowly failing and I'm tired of seeing doctors for that as well. What should I do on this situation?

I'd get a (tenth?) opinion with other doctors. There must be something to at least alleviate your pain. Not necessarily to sort it out but to make it bearable. That's easier said than done, but can say from my experience. Suicide is always hovering above me even when I'm stable (I have bipolar) but at times, I become absolutely obsessed by suicide, couldn't think of anything else day or night. Last time it happened in a big way, I went completely off the rails and it was really just a matter of opportunity. My psychiatrist put me on (on top of my cocktail of meds) quetiapine, loads of it (800mg). It's made me unbearably fat but it lifted the obsession away. It didn't change the self-destructiveness that is at my very core, but it made my life bearable.

 

[Doemu]

Suicide is irreversible, so i mind meanwhile you are not sure about doing CTB or not, you should not.

I'll CTB but i'm pretty clear about it. If you feel you can try living, you should.

In my point of view, some people are in crisis meanwhile others are perpetual suicidal.

I don't think meanwhile you get doubt, have to follow the path of the perpetual suicidal.

If life becames better to you, CTB is a Big mistake. If not, maybe you was not ready anyway.

Try the recovery section.