mythofsisyphus
Member
- Jul 6, 2024
- 24
I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to manage incredibly painful feelings of nostalgia and reminiscing?
Over the course of a year I've lost a relationship after finding out my ex was cheating on me. This might not sound too traumatic, but it truly destroyed me. We were living together, had a little puppy... basically all I'd ever hoped for in life. The relationship wasn't perfect, I had doubts etc., but in some ways it didn't matter because I felt fully accepted, something I've craved and not felt deserving of my whole life. Finding out the truth truly shattered my worlds into a million pieces.
But I tried to put myself back together, to carry on and focus on my career (I was in a job I'd worked my whole life for) and trying to find happiness and fulfilment on my own.
Then I stopped taking antidepressants and a few months later got struck with horrendous protracted withdrawals.. akathisia, insomnia, unrelenting anxiety and flashbacks. So I reinstated a small dose and am now suffering from either PSSD or PFS. Basically, I've lost all sexual functioning (I'm male), I experience no emotions, have widespread muscle wastage and body pain, loose and dry skin and extreme cognitive difficulties and pretty much constant depersonalization/derealisation. It's impossible to know, but it's likely this is going to be permanent or at least extremely long lasting (years to decades).
It just feels impossible to not get caught up in reminiscing and ruminating on the past and all that I've lost. What's the point in doing mindfulness to stay in the present when the present is horrendous... where I'm loosing my dream career, where I don't feel real, where I can't feel love or joy, where my genitals and body are wasting away. How am I supposed to find meaning and purpose in these circumstances?
I beat myself up because I know the rumination and nostalgia etc. are making things worse. I know spending my time scrolling on this website is going to be making this worse. But also, it feels like it makes complete sense I'd do these things. It feels like I had my heart ripped out after my ex and then my entire mind collapsed, and I'm frozen, completely unable to move forward and heal. I try to go for walks, I try to see friends, I try to do some work... but I feel nothing, I feel totally disconnected, my mind is a blurry and confused mess that I don't recognise. Every single thing I used to enjoy and that used to soothe me is now tainted and brings up awful feelings of the past, and how amazing these things were in comparison to now. It sickens me how much I took for granted.
How do I accept this? How do I find peace in this?
Over the course of a year I've lost a relationship after finding out my ex was cheating on me. This might not sound too traumatic, but it truly destroyed me. We were living together, had a little puppy... basically all I'd ever hoped for in life. The relationship wasn't perfect, I had doubts etc., but in some ways it didn't matter because I felt fully accepted, something I've craved and not felt deserving of my whole life. Finding out the truth truly shattered my worlds into a million pieces.
But I tried to put myself back together, to carry on and focus on my career (I was in a job I'd worked my whole life for) and trying to find happiness and fulfilment on my own.
Then I stopped taking antidepressants and a few months later got struck with horrendous protracted withdrawals.. akathisia, insomnia, unrelenting anxiety and flashbacks. So I reinstated a small dose and am now suffering from either PSSD or PFS. Basically, I've lost all sexual functioning (I'm male), I experience no emotions, have widespread muscle wastage and body pain, loose and dry skin and extreme cognitive difficulties and pretty much constant depersonalization/derealisation. It's impossible to know, but it's likely this is going to be permanent or at least extremely long lasting (years to decades).
It just feels impossible to not get caught up in reminiscing and ruminating on the past and all that I've lost. What's the point in doing mindfulness to stay in the present when the present is horrendous... where I'm loosing my dream career, where I don't feel real, where I can't feel love or joy, where my genitals and body are wasting away. How am I supposed to find meaning and purpose in these circumstances?
I beat myself up because I know the rumination and nostalgia etc. are making things worse. I know spending my time scrolling on this website is going to be making this worse. But also, it feels like it makes complete sense I'd do these things. It feels like I had my heart ripped out after my ex and then my entire mind collapsed, and I'm frozen, completely unable to move forward and heal. I try to go for walks, I try to see friends, I try to do some work... but I feel nothing, I feel totally disconnected, my mind is a blurry and confused mess that I don't recognise. Every single thing I used to enjoy and that used to soothe me is now tainted and brings up awful feelings of the past, and how amazing these things were in comparison to now. It sickens me how much I took for granted.
How do I accept this? How do I find peace in this?
