I can’t stand my own company

[voidoid]

I've been thinking about headspace a lot lately. Wondering how other people manage to feel ok and go about doing their errands every day. I look at my surroundings and watch people making funny or poignant observations in real life or via social media. I just don't know what that's like. I can't stand my own company and need constant external stimulation so I don't have to be left with my own thoughts even now when I no longer suffer from anxiety or depression. It's been like this since I was a child. Can anyone relate?

 

[WaitingP]

I hate being in my own company. I find it awful and everyday tasks are so hard yet so easy to some.

 

[Donewitheverything]

Same. I always say and do some dumb shit. I would love to just get away from myself, but I can't... Guess that's why I always play video games or engage in other forms of escapism just so I don't have to think about myself... I really do hate myself 100%.

 

[soda_pressed]

I hate being in my own company, but have no idea how to keep friends, and I'm pretty sure everyone hates me.
Social media is the worst - it's horrible seeing everyone else

 

[voidoid]

I've been trying to chart exactly what's wrong with the way I think when I'm alone and think I've pretty much nailed it. Trying to change takes a lot of energy. I'm sure some people can do it. I wish there was more focus growing up on how to be self-sufficient and be on your own – I think for some, like me, it's a skill that needs to be learned.

 

[Empty Smile]

I hate my own company as well. Sometimes I get into an argument with myself, but can never figure out which side of me won the argument.

I tend to try to drown myself out by watching TV, sleep, or drink.

If I feel like I need to be around people, I come here, which is quite often. I don't know any of you personally, but I'd rather be here than sitting in front of a bunch of people.

 

[Onomotopoeia]

Given how similar my mindset seems to be in a lot of areas with people from this site i always find it strange that things like this do not resonate with me.

I'm perfectly comfortable with who I am it's everyone else that makes me uncomfortable. Now I do relate to needing external stimuli I do that literally all the time. My thoughts are dangerous but not because I don't like me I just dont like the empty that surrounds my life.

So I can be quite content in my own company on a good day, and even on a bad its always something external thats bothering me.

 

[Retched]

I can't stand myself. And it seems more often than not, I'm by myself. At work it's me locked away in my brain painfully staring out of vapid, vacant eyes.

 

[Dead beat dad]

I've been thinking about headspace a lot lately. Wondering how other people manage to feel ok and go about doing their errands every day. I look at my surroundings and watch people making funny or poignant observations in real life or via social media. I just don't know what that's like. I can't stand my own company and need constant external stimulation so I don't have to be left with my own thoughts even now when I no longer suffer from anxiety or depression. It's been like this since I was a child. Can anyone relate?

I can relate, sort of. I hate myself (a common theme here, and for your pain brothers and sisters I know it and hope we can find a light somehow).
However...
I hate a lot about the world too, and often find it wants to pull me in all directions, directions I don't want to go but can't resist (need to keep a roof over my head, mustn't starve to death, too stupid to act more sensibly)... This is also supported by the fact that there are a lot of inconsiderate mother fuckers out there too that I hate, not as much as me but I hate them too (look up Ian Huntley or Ian Watkins or those cunts what killed Jamie Bulger).
Anyway I figure it's better the devil you know.
Peace friends.

DBD

 

[JadedGray]

Neither can I, which is why I don't expect anyone else to. I isolate myself so I won't have to be around others and they won't have to be around me.

 

[Final Escape]

Neither can I, which is why I don't expect anyone else to. I isolate myself so I won't have to be around others and they won't have to be around me.

 

[Alchemist]

I hate being in my own company, but have no idea how to keep friends, and I'm pretty sure everyone hates me.
Social media is the worst - it's horrible seeing everyone else

I'm also on the club of hating me, like most people who have the displeasure of meeting me. And it's true, social media it's the worst. It only shows you how other are having a good time why we can't have that in our lives.

 

[JadedGray]

Thank you :)

 

[Final Escape]

Thank you :)

I feel the same way a lot and lately I slipped back into it. Isolating myself.

 

[Alchemist]

I feel the same way a lot and lately I slipped back into it. Isolating myself.

Maybe is something in the air. I feel the same, as if everyone finds me disgusting and repulsive.

 

[JadedGray]

I feel the same way a lot and lately I slipped back into it. Isolating myself.

Maybe is something in the air. I feel the same, as if everyone finds me disgusting and repulsive.

I sympathize. :(

Unfortunately both situations, whether being around others or being in complete isolation lead to the same end result, feeling alone and unhappy when you don't like your own company. People pick up on that. They try and say that it's all in your head and that you only feel people perceive you that way because that's how you see yourself and that's the way you carry yourself, but how else are you suppose to look when you feel this way. Instead of being sympathetic when they see how unhappy someone looks they react with revulsion and they push you away. It just encourages a person to isolate themselves even more when they see the reaction they get from others.

 

[Alchemist]

I sympathize. :(

Unfortunately both situations, whether being around others or being in complete isolation lead to the same end result, feeling alone and unhappy when you don't like your own company. People pick up on that. They try and say that it's all in your head and that you only feel people perceive you that way because that's how you see yourself and that's the way you carry yourself, but how else are you suppose to look when you feel this way. Instead of being sympathetic when they see how unhappy someone looks they react with revulsion and they push you away. It just encourages a person to isolate themselves even more when they see the reaction they get from others.

I know, it's basically a cycle that becomes near impossible to break. As soon as I try to socialize with someone I I start to imagine what they think of me and the I push them away.

 

[JadedGray]

I know, it's basically a cycle that becomes near impossible to break. As soon as I try to socialize with someone I I start to imagine what they think of me and the I push them away.

Yes, it causes less pain to reject them before they reject you. This is what I've done my whole life. Looking back I regret it now even if it meant feeling more pain, at least I would have experienced some happiness to balance it out. In the end I could have at least had some life experiences instead of rotting away in my room.

 

[Alchemist]

Yes, it causes less pain to reject them before they reject you. This is what I've done my whole life. Looking back I regret it now even if it meant feeling more pain, at least I would have experienced some happiness to balance it out. In the end I could have at least had some life experiences instead of rotting away in my room.

Sounds like my life. I don't remember being normal ever and I know everyone finds me weird thanks to my boss.

 

[JadedGray]

Sounds like my life. I don't remember being normal ever and I know everyone finds me weird thanks to my boss.

For me it was teachers, but they just prepared me for what life with a boss would have been like from the sounds of it. I guess that was one of the only benefits of being a lifelong NEET.

 

[Alchemist]

For me it was teachers, but they just prepared me for what life with a boss would have been like from the sounds of it. I guess that was one of the only benefits of being a lifelong NEET.

I wish I could have had been at least that, but if I want to do anything, even ctb, I need money, so I have to endure being mediocre at a job where no one likes me while I pretend to be somewhat normal.

 

[JadedGray]

I wish I could have had been at least that, but if I want to do anything, even ctb, I need money, so I have to endure being mediocre at a job where no one likes me while I pretend to be somewhat normal.

Being a wage slave sucks especially if your boss and co-workers are jerks, but a NEET is even worse. I feel like a child still living at home with no responsibilities or source of income other than receiving disability payments. Living like this gets tedious and boring after a while. I envy the fact that you can pretend to be normal. I'm too far gone for that.

 

[Alchemist]

Being a wage slave sucks especially if your boss and co-workers are jerks, but a NEET is even worse. I feel like a child still living at home with no responsibilities or source of income other than receiving disability payments. Living like this gets tedious and boring after a while. I envy the fact that you can pretend to be normal. I'm too far gone for that.

I feel the same even with a job, I know I would barely survive in my own. And there's a bit of difference between pretending and being successful at it. It was a bit easier back at my previous job, but I knew it was an illusion after some left and after I quit and everyone stopped talking to me.

 

[JadedGray]

I feel the same even with a job, I know I would barely survive in my own. And there's a bit of difference between pretending and being successful at it. It was a bit easier back at my previous job, but I knew it was an illusion after some left and after I quit and everyone stopped talking to me.

Some people claim that if you're working, you'll be too busy focusing on that to be consumed by your thoughts of depression and wanting to CTB even if it's only for a few hours. If it's any consolation, at least we live in a time where people are too busy looking down at their phones most of the time, to even notice who appears normal. I don't even know what's considered normal social skills anymore. That's actually one thing I'm relieved about when I do go outside. It's the closest I'll ever get to my lifelong dream of being a wallflower.

 

[Alchemist]

Some people claim that if you're working, you'll be too busy focusing on that to be consumed by your thoughts of depression and wanting to CTB even if it's only for a few hours. If it's any consolation, at least we live in a time where people are too busy looking down at their phones most of the time, to even notice who appears normal. I don't even know what's considered normal social skills anymore. That's actually one thing I'm relieved about when I do go outside. It's the closest I'll ever get to my lifelong dream of being a wallflower.

I was invisible even before phones had another use besides playing snake. And I'd say it's true, but honestly the stress of working and dealing with people makes me want to die even more.

 

[JadedGray]

I was invisible even before phones had another use besides playing snake. And I'd say it's true, but honestly the stress of working and dealing with people makes me want to die even more.

Dealing with people everyday would make me want to die more too, unless it was just a small group of friends. That's why people who work in customer service seem like the most miserable people. I would wager that people who live out in remote rural areas are far happier than people stuck in the busy cities.

 

[Alchemist]

Dealing with people everyday would make me want to die more too, unless it was just a small group of friends. That's why people who work in customer service seem like the most miserable people. I would wager that people who live out in remote rural areas are far happier than people stuck in the busy cities.

I'm sure they are, at least in other countries that isn't mine. If I had the chance to have a perfect life it would probably be like Stardew Valley.

 

[JadedGray]

I'm sure they are, at least in other countries that isn't mine. If I had the chance to have a perfect life it would probably be like Stardew Valley.

That would be a worthwhile simulation compared to this lousy one.

 

[Alchemist]

That would be a worthwhile simulation compared to this lousy one.

At least it would be something better than being miserable and mediocre in this world.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Dealing with people everyday would make me want to die more too, unless it was just a small group of friends. That's why people who work in customer service seem like the most miserable people. I would wager that people who live out in remote rural areas are far happier than people stuck in the busy cities.

Having worked in customer service I can definitely say in my experience that was true. It was the most stressful soul sucking job possible. Having that job on top of the trauma I experienced at the time lead to a massive break down for me. I am now a NEET in my late 20s have not worked in years after my breakdown. Currently looking for a non customer related job but I don't know why I'll just be miserable no matter what I do...my thoughts always come back to ctb.

If I could say I still have a dream left living way out in a rural area away from everyone and civilization would be it.