Help i cant stand living anymore, but i dont want to let my family down, really lost and not sure how to deal with this

[kosameAmagai]

so to put into context im 22M and i have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since i was a teenager, it has gotten much worse in the past 4 years to the point were i would do nothing but sleep all day, i havent talked to anyone irl in like 5-6 years, i dont have a job or anything and im completely dependent on my parents, i ve went to therapy multiple times, hopped between many meds and not a single one ever worked, i always go back to this horrible state in which i cant find pleasure/meaning on anything.
i know im a complete loser and a burden to my parents for not helping with anything and just giving more expenses and disappointment to them, the thing is they really do care about me and have been trying to help me as much as they could, BUT I JUST CANT im completely helpless and no matter how much i try to find meaning and joy in life i just end up in the same place that i was before, contemplating suicide everyday, they are basically the only thing stopping me from doing it since i cant even imagine how bad they would feel after losing someone that they love so much and have been trying to help, i really dont know what to do in this situation i dont want to be selfish but every single day as i age it gets worse i see no reason in living and i dont have anyone besides my mom and my dad i just want to convince them that if i ctb it is for the best for both of us but i really dont know how, what would you do in my situation? i dont think i can tolerate it for much longer but at the same time thinking how much pain this would cause on the only people that are there for me(even though im 100% a burden on them) makes me feel sick. how can i approach them about it without hurting themz i just want to disappear from earth like i was never there to begin with ...

 

[Biblom2000]

You are only 22 years old, you can still change your life, with this I do not want to belittle your problem, you say that your parents support you but you think that you are a burden, I do not think that is completely true if they had not already voted you out of their house or something similar.
If you have both of your parents alive, talk to the one you trust the most about what you feel, I think they will understand you and try to help you, I think you should be more open with the only people who love you.

 

[kosameAmagai]

You are only 22 years old, you can still change your life, with this I do not want to belittle your problem, you say that your parents support you but you think that you are a burden, I do not think that is completely true if they had not already voted you out of their house or something similar.
If you have both of your parents alive, talk to the one you trust the most about what you feel, I think they will understand you and try to help you, I think you should be more open with the only people who love you.

i know i can still change i just dont know how and what i even want ..., i became a shut in and stopped leaving my house since i was 16, didnt had any friends on school and basically have 0 life experience, everything that i have experienced was behind a computer screen basically, as to opening up with my parents ive tried a couple times but its really hard since i suffer from level 1 autism and alexithymia making really hard to express my emotions/feelings. i live in a 3rd world country where a blue collar job here barely pays you enough to buy food for the month, i wish i could move out to other country and have friends/relationships like people my age do (and still i wonder if achieving that would bring me any kind of happiness or willness to live) but it just seems almost impossible to achieve since i can barely even leave my house without feeling extremely overwhelmed, everything that i see in social medias seems completely out of reality and artificial i dont know im really bad at expressing myself im sorry :/ i wish i could still find things like playing video games or watching animes/movies/etc enjoyable instead of just wasting all my time away doing nothing

 

[Biblom2000]

Sé que aún puedo cambiar, solo que no sé cómo ni qué quiero... Me encerré en mí mismo y dejé de salir de casa desde que tenía 16 años, no tenía amigos en la escuela y básicamente no tengo experiencia de vida, todo lo que experimenté fue básicamente detrás de una pantalla de computadora, en cuanto a abrirme con mis padres lo he intentado un par de veces, pero es realmente difícil ya que sufro de autismo de nivel 1 y alexitimia, lo que hace que sea muy difícil expresar mis emociones/sentimientos. Vivo en un país del tercer mundo donde un trabajo de obrero aquí apenas te paga lo suficiente para comprar comida para el mes, desearía poder mudarme a otro país y tener amigos/relaciones como la gente de mi edad (y todavía me pregunto si lograr eso me traería algún tipo de felicidad o voluntad de vivir) pero parece casi imposible de lograr ya que apenas puedo salir de mi casa sin sentirme extremadamente abrumado, todo lo que veo en las redes sociales parece completamente fuera de la realidad y artificial, no sé, soy realmente malo expresándome, lo siento :/ Desearía poder seguir encontrando cosas como jugar videojuegos o ver anime/películas/etc. agradables en lugar de simplemente perder todo mi tiempo sin hacer nada

Yo se que es difícil abrirse a las personas, me parece que a todos les es difícil, tengan o no alguna condición, a nadie le gusta que le vean su lado más débil, pero a veces es necesario, no debes compararte con los demás, tú eres tú y eso es lo único que te debe importar, lo siento pero nadie te va a amar genuinamente si tú no te amas primero, si tienes algo que te guste hacer hazlo, ¿no puedes pagar la terapia?

 

[mysteryboy]

I do not mind letting my family down when it comes to living this life. I've seen and experienced enough, it is over for me and they must accept it at this point

 

[soledad.virgen]

i wish i could move out to other country and have friends/relationships like people my age do (and still i wonder if achieving that would bring me any kind of happiness or willness to live) but it just seems almost impossible to achieve since i can barely even leave my house without feeling extremely overwhelmed, everything that i see in social medias seems completely out of reality and artificial i dont know im really bad at expressing myself im sorry :/ i wish i could still find things like playing video games or watching animes/movies/etc enjoyable instead of just wasting all my time away doing nothing

i feel this a lot, im sorry. for the most part for the past four years im also just at home and i find it hard to enjoy things like i used to. i think of myself as a movie person but like, i never watch movies now, im just wasting away and I can't find many distractions. it's a really hard life. im sorry i dont have advice, but i really hope you feel better soon