I can't stand it

[Ｓanctioned Suicide]

I haven't been sober for years now, and honestly at this point I don't even care enough to be, or maybe I never did I'm not even sure. The way I was raised was never able to hurt me, I never cared what I was surrounded by, and I never cared about any of my family, the people I truly cared for I always drove away for some reason, and I honestly think it's because I'm not able to care about people, so when I do I care way too much and I just feel a need to let that person know how I feel always. It's like that's the only joy I can find in life, is the company of the people I care about, even if they hate me their company seems to take all of the pain away, I'm a very weird person I think. I'm just typing my thoughts because maybe after I'm gone people can analyze the thought patterns of someone who's severely fucked. Now that everyones gone it's pretty much all over, and it isn't the loss of someone that drove me to this, there's a lot more to it than that, I've made the decision that my life overall is not worth living, hell I'm in opioid withdraw half of the time in literal physical pain anyways, but my mind is a bit darker than the average too, most people growing up don't fantasize about killing people or animals with their friends, although I never really cared enough about it to go through with it, it was more my best friend who had those interests, I never could see a reason too without any personal gain or satisfaction, I guess it was more to prepare myself for the ability to screw people over in life, I always thought I would do something massive like take over a country or distribute drugs on a massive scale, but as life went on I saw less and less satisfaction in things including money, so I'm just at a point where even large sums of it don't amount to piss, as long as I can afford opioids to keep myself asleep 90% of the time it doesn't matter to me, I just want to be unconscious, like asleep, or like actual nothingness whatever that may be. I feel like I sound crazy, but in my mind I'm 100% rational, maybe it's because I just can't understand the world the way other people do. Like, I can't understand their ideas and ideologies or even where they're coming from with thoughts on things like murder of stealing. I'm a fucking mess though I know that much at least.

 

[dialogos]

I'm no expert but you're showing anhedonia which is just a symptom of many neurological illnesses. Have you tried going to a neurologist or psychiatrist who specializes in conditions like yours? There are some like you in the forums. You're here coz you're very uncomfortable with what you're going thru. I fear that most of us dont have the expertise to help so get doctors first but we can keep you company
Edit: BTW long term use of opoids can have side effects like that or worsen pre existing conditions. Pls get expert help who really care about your wellbeing

 

[Ｓanctioned Suicide]

I'm no expert but you're showing anhedonia which is just a symptom of many neurological illnesses. Have you tried going to a neurologist or psychiatrist who specializes in conditions like yours? There are some like you in the forums. You're here coz you're very uncomfortable with what you're going thru. I fear that most of us dont have the expertise to help so get doctors first but we can keep you company
Edit: BTW long term use of opoids can have side effects like that or worsen pre existing conditions. Pls get expert help who really care about your wellbeing

The problem is I was like that far before I ever started using drugs, and I have seen a few people, but I've watched my friends go through similar things and take the meds they're given for depression or schizophrenia and hate things even more so I've kind of kept myself away, well more manipulated my way out of those situations.. Like, every time I've been placed in psychiatric care like mental hospitals or whatever I always manipulate my way out and it seems to work, idk I also hate places like that, and therapy and all of it I just feel like there's no chance in it helping or having any effect

 

[dialogos]

The problem is I was like that far before I ever started using drugs, and I have seen a few people, but I've watched my friends go through similar things and take the meds they're given for depression or schizophrenia and hate things even more so I've kind of kept myself away, well more manipulated my way out of those situations.. Like, every time I've been placed in psychiatric care like mental hospitals or whatever I always manipulate my way out and it seems to work, idk I also hate places like that, and therapy and all of it I just feel like there's no chance in it helping or having any effect

My mother who has dementia was treated by a neurologist. She had attendant psychosis, memory loss, paranoia, manic temper etc she was given low doses of memantine 10mgs 2x daily, duloxitine 30mgs and quetapine 10mgs. It was almost miraculous how she recovered.
Your friends won't get into a psych ward unless something extreme happened.
Your case is quite mild, therapy is not supposed to be traumatic.
At least in therapy, someone will commit to listen to you, and may have a working solution for your case