KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,682
Let's face it, if you are disabled or have any health conditions that impede productivity the world at large will treat you like you are lazy and worthless.
I wish this was not the case, but I see it constantly. I am worn out and exhausted. My very existence is burdensome. I know I sound like a broken record but my life only serves to reinforce this realization-unless I am productive, I am not useful to anyone, and I have no value.
I don't want to stamp out anyone's fun or make their lives harder. Thieving joy away from others is the last thing I wanted to do. Yet ever since I got ill, this is how I've been regarded. Nothing but a burden and a dark cloud over the sunny day that is other people's lives.
None of the shiny happy people can understand until they stand in these shoes. No one will know how humiliating and shameful it is when you get left behind at an outing because no one wants to sit and wait around with the overexerted cripple who needs to sit at a bench for a few minutes.
People like to have fun. They enjoy light-heartedness and distractions. If you are the antithesis of radiant positivity then you are society's worst nightmare. It makes you feel like you're a reminder of all the chaos in life, all the things that can go wrong, and they'd rather lock you away, say you're crazy, and pretend you don't exist rather than confront the reality that our existence is built upon the principles of thermodynamics and our universe errs towards the side of unpredictability and entropy.
You can do everything right in life and still end up like me. That is the crucial bit of information the majority likes to ommit. Before I was ill, even with all my trauma, I was trying my damnest to overcome the shit hand I'd been dealt in life. Once your health is gone, you can't get it back, and I've learned this the hard way. Having the flu for two weeks sucks, but it is nothing compared to years of a chronic, incurable illness that never gets any better.
People lie all the time. They lie and say there is hope even if there have been no treatments for your condition in over 40 years. They lie and say you matter, while employers, the government, and the people around you look down at you and say you're unreliable when your illness prohibits you from working the typical 40 hour work week. They lie and say they'll love you always, then kick you to the curb when your life turns into an erroneous nightmare rather than the picture book fairytale expectation of perfect grades, a degree, spouse, 2.5 kids, white picket fence house, and a prosperous career.
To be honest, I am fucking sick of this. It shows how little humans truly understand each other, when people post these mental health awareness mantras on social media, yet talk about how negative people are toxic leeches wanting to besmirch your happiness and how "you can't help someone if they don't want to help themselves xx :)"
The idea that every problem can be solved by the individual is such a cancerous mentality yet it is probably one of the most prevalent dogmas in Western society. You control your thoughts. You control your circumstances. Such bullshit. If I could control my chronic fatigue syndrome, IBS, chronic pain, autism, and ptsd, do you think I would not have already done that?? Keep on saying antidepressants and therapists are a panacea though. Oh, and don't forget to call someone insane if they criticize this broken system of "mental health care" because it helps some people while severely neglecting and hurting others, leading them towards further despair!
My own partner looked me in the eyes and told me that it isn't the people in your life who should care for a disabled person, they should be free to do whatever they want and the obligation should be delegated to society. He also told me that it is not selfish for someone to leave a disabled or ill spouse who is reliant on their partner, because someone's ability to have fun and freedom is more important than their promise to support someone.
Our world is selfish to its core. Don't get me wrong, I can be selfish. Everyone is at some point. If I need help with something, I recognise it is selfish to ask for it, when my disabilities make things impossible. I have tried for years to become a more selfless, empathetic person, and try to be there for others whenever I can, doing favors, providing support, but the world will still see me as a burden no matter what because I ask for more than I can provide to the economy. My university acts belligerent and frustrated because disabled students ask for accommodations. Half the time they don't put subtitles on our lectures when many disabled students including myself have provisions that say they must do this in order for us to properly learn. They don't care. Nothing ever changes.
I know I am a burden. I know it is depressing to be around me because I cannot have a happy and positive attitude due to constantly being in some sort of pain or malaise. Yet, the government won't allow me to end my life in a peaceful way. They force me to live while reminding me at every turn how worthless I am for being sick.
I am tired of being a burden. Others see no problem with how our sick society functions and have no qualms about sticking to the status quo, so they will always label the "defectivd individuals" as the problem and not their hypocritical attidues towards the disabled. As long as people act this way, I see no hope for any sort of societal improvement. I am tired and exhausted. Let me out of this world. I don't want to ruin people's lives anymore by simply existing and hurting.
I wish this was not the case, but I see it constantly. I am worn out and exhausted. My very existence is burdensome. I know I sound like a broken record but my life only serves to reinforce this realization-unless I am productive, I am not useful to anyone, and I have no value.
I don't want to stamp out anyone's fun or make their lives harder. Thieving joy away from others is the last thing I wanted to do. Yet ever since I got ill, this is how I've been regarded. Nothing but a burden and a dark cloud over the sunny day that is other people's lives.
None of the shiny happy people can understand until they stand in these shoes. No one will know how humiliating and shameful it is when you get left behind at an outing because no one wants to sit and wait around with the overexerted cripple who needs to sit at a bench for a few minutes.
People like to have fun. They enjoy light-heartedness and distractions. If you are the antithesis of radiant positivity then you are society's worst nightmare. It makes you feel like you're a reminder of all the chaos in life, all the things that can go wrong, and they'd rather lock you away, say you're crazy, and pretend you don't exist rather than confront the reality that our existence is built upon the principles of thermodynamics and our universe errs towards the side of unpredictability and entropy.
You can do everything right in life and still end up like me. That is the crucial bit of information the majority likes to ommit. Before I was ill, even with all my trauma, I was trying my damnest to overcome the shit hand I'd been dealt in life. Once your health is gone, you can't get it back, and I've learned this the hard way. Having the flu for two weeks sucks, but it is nothing compared to years of a chronic, incurable illness that never gets any better.
People lie all the time. They lie and say there is hope even if there have been no treatments for your condition in over 40 years. They lie and say you matter, while employers, the government, and the people around you look down at you and say you're unreliable when your illness prohibits you from working the typical 40 hour work week. They lie and say they'll love you always, then kick you to the curb when your life turns into an erroneous nightmare rather than the picture book fairytale expectation of perfect grades, a degree, spouse, 2.5 kids, white picket fence house, and a prosperous career.
To be honest, I am fucking sick of this. It shows how little humans truly understand each other, when people post these mental health awareness mantras on social media, yet talk about how negative people are toxic leeches wanting to besmirch your happiness and how "you can't help someone if they don't want to help themselves xx :)"
The idea that every problem can be solved by the individual is such a cancerous mentality yet it is probably one of the most prevalent dogmas in Western society. You control your thoughts. You control your circumstances. Such bullshit. If I could control my chronic fatigue syndrome, IBS, chronic pain, autism, and ptsd, do you think I would not have already done that?? Keep on saying antidepressants and therapists are a panacea though. Oh, and don't forget to call someone insane if they criticize this broken system of "mental health care" because it helps some people while severely neglecting and hurting others, leading them towards further despair!
My own partner looked me in the eyes and told me that it isn't the people in your life who should care for a disabled person, they should be free to do whatever they want and the obligation should be delegated to society. He also told me that it is not selfish for someone to leave a disabled or ill spouse who is reliant on their partner, because someone's ability to have fun and freedom is more important than their promise to support someone.
Our world is selfish to its core. Don't get me wrong, I can be selfish. Everyone is at some point. If I need help with something, I recognise it is selfish to ask for it, when my disabilities make things impossible. I have tried for years to become a more selfless, empathetic person, and try to be there for others whenever I can, doing favors, providing support, but the world will still see me as a burden no matter what because I ask for more than I can provide to the economy. My university acts belligerent and frustrated because disabled students ask for accommodations. Half the time they don't put subtitles on our lectures when many disabled students including myself have provisions that say they must do this in order for us to properly learn. They don't care. Nothing ever changes.
I know I am a burden. I know it is depressing to be around me because I cannot have a happy and positive attitude due to constantly being in some sort of pain or malaise. Yet, the government won't allow me to end my life in a peaceful way. They force me to live while reminding me at every turn how worthless I am for being sick.
I am tired of being a burden. Others see no problem with how our sick society functions and have no qualms about sticking to the status quo, so they will always label the "defectivd individuals" as the problem and not their hypocritical attidues towards the disabled. As long as people act this way, I see no hope for any sort of societal improvement. I am tired and exhausted. Let me out of this world. I don't want to ruin people's lives anymore by simply existing and hurting.
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