I can't stand another day putting on the fake mask

[nonamegirl]

In 1 hour I have to go to work, and I can't stand the thought :( I can't stand another day of putting on a fake mask, I can't stand being witness to other people who led normal joyful lives. I can't stand people who want to chat about life in a normal way, like "oh the sun is out today, isnt it nice" NO, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT MEANINGLESS STUFF!! It tearing me apart.......today I soooo wish I had the guts to just hang myself right now.

I guess I just need a hug and some understanding.

 

[Shinbu]

I put on a mask for my mom, and my brothers. I understand how you feel.

 

[nonamegirl]

I put on a mask for my mom, and my brothers. I understand how you feel.

I also put it on for my family, and I'M SICK TO DEATH ABOUT IT!! :( I don't want to do this anymore.

 

[Inferdan]

You definitely have my understanding. Everyone knows I'm sad, but not the depth of it, so I'm allowed to have it a little off, but it is definitely painful. Someone once pointed out how nice the grass felt, looking at me as if expecting a response, and I gathered up all could to bend down, feel it with my hands, and say with the most pleasant voice, yes, it feels so soft. It gets hard at times, and the will to keep going is slowly slipping, and it hurts more to keep it on. I know what you mean; masks are hurtful, but sadly necessary. There's the hug you wanted, too.

 

[nonamegirl]

People expect you to continue fighting and figting and fighting and fighting and fighting........

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ASK OF US!! I am loosing the fight

 

[Thereisnothing]

I have always been known for the girl/woman who is always smiling happy and able to deal with life. I for the most have lived the Clowns smile. I been fighting since ages 6 am 45 now. Right now, since before Christmas when the last of my world 'went'..........just dislike facing the next second.I guess have faught all these years ad grown in strength considerably with all I have been through and had to hold head high and cope. There have been great and lovely times along the way of course..................now just wish to go to peace. Here are big hugs from me (((((((((((((((((((((((nonamegirl))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) xx

 

[Conker]

When every single breath is forced..

 

[Nnana]

You'd be surprised at how many people put on fake masks. Life is shitty for almost everyone. Some just delude themselves to keep living.

 

[nonamegirl]

You'd be surprised at how many people put on fake masks. Life is shitty for almost everyone. Some just delude themselves to keep living.

I don't know man......My collegues seem generally happy with life, they have another look in their eyes then me........I look myself in the mirror and my eyes seem dead and lifeless but nobody sees me, the true me......my soul, they just see the surface which has the fake mask on :(

 

[faust]

I am sending you a very warm hug, like we were friends for ages and after year of not seeing each other we are meeting again
Well that's a true story about masks. Every time I talk about CTB in real life I have to change the subject after 5-10 minutes because one is starting talking about how our brain works and that is not my decision if I will CTB. I like listening when he is talking about such things but not in such a context. Another will eventually make me feel guilty and tell how life is beautiful and that we should be strong. Same. Have to change the subject almost immediately. Only here I can tell how I really feel and if not this forum I would remain unheard till I die. In the country I live it is used to ask 'how are you'. Well, there are so many words like beautiful, impressive, fine, perfect, great, but nothing can be applied to my condition, so I just say good, thanks. There are some countries where sometimes it is not typical to ask how the person is going on so you may get a 1-hour talk about vane existence and the life story. But that is a different question. The thing is that everything starts from this 'how are you'. If a person is smiling and you see he/she is in a good mood, you do not want to let him/her down, so the thing that follows is talking about weather and how the birds sing. They start talking about how they travel, how they are happy with their couples. And you are just listening and feeling why you can't live a happy life like others. I want to trigger my CTB feelings, I always check Instagram. Everything has everything...except for me. And in such an environment you wear masks to avoid judgement/misunderstandings. Do you wear masks because you don't want to feel somebody feel guilty and avoid any misunderstandings? Sending you a hug again
Oh, so many mistakes, sorry..
*If I want to trigger
*Everybody has everything

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Damn the title is exactly how I feel right now I just want to tell my psychiatrist and family in a rational way why I have to die it´s getting harder and harder to keep the mask of illusion on I just can´t take it anymore meanwhile I got absolutely nothing to do all day every day is the same old boring as shit day because of apathy, I have lived a full life and experienced everything I feel is important I just want out but the guilt of not wanting to ruin my parents lives gets in my way.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

the mask is a bitch, but needs much if it means we survive in this world of hell!

 

[nonamegirl]

I am sending you a very warm hug, like we were friends for ages and after year of not seeing each other we are meeting again
Well that's a true story about masks. Every time I talk about CTB in real life I have to change the subject after 5-10 minutes because one is starting talking about how our brain works and that is not my decision if I will CTB. I like listening when he is talking about such things but not in such a context. Another will eventually make me feel guilty and tell how life is beautiful and that we should be strong. Same. Have to change the subject almost immediately. Only here I can tell how I really feel and if not this forum I would remain unheard till I die. In the country I live it is used to ask 'how are you'. Well, there are so many words like beautiful, impressive, fine, perfect, great, but nothing can be applied to my condition, so I just say good, thanks. There are some countries where sometimes it is not typical to ask how the person is going on so you may get a 1-hour talk about vane existence and the life story. But that is a different question. The thing is that everything starts from this 'how are you'. If a person is smiling and you see he/she is in a good mood, you do not want to let him/her down, so the thing that follows is talking about weather and how the birds sing. They start talking about how they travel, how they are happy with their couples. And you are just listening and feeling why you can't live a happy life like others. I want to trigger my CTB feelings, I always check Instagram. Everything has everything...except for me. And in such an environment you wear masks to avoid judgement/misunderstandings. Do you wear masks because you don't want to feel somebody feel guilty and avoid any misunderstandings? Sending you a hug again
Oh, so many mistakes, sorry..
*If I want to trigger
*Everybody has everything

I have always been a "good" girl and it has been important to me to treat people as nicely as possible, better then I treat myself so I put on a mask cause I don't want to bother people and make them sad. I don't know if that makes sense. Plus sometimes when the mask do crack a bit, people don't know how to react and they give me this sad look like I'm the most pathetic being in the universe and tell me trivial things like "I hope you will soon feel better" and honestly I can't stand that.

I thank you all for being so understanding and for the hugs. It went okay at work........better then I expected.......but I still feel like dying or just sleeping my day away:/

 

[Jean4]

Understand 100 percent. One of the main reasons I want to CTB. I am in the music business. The world sees an illusion. It's all fake. They will only know the truth and wonder why after they read about my suicide. People will be clueless. To the world, I have a life people dream of. If only they knew.

Im on day 3 of insomnia. Time to go smile at the world and let the public think everything is fine and dandy.

 

[Apathy79]

I have always been a "good" girl and it has been important to me to treat people as nicely as possible, better then I treat myself so I put on a mask cause I don't want to bother people and make them sad. I don't know if that makes sense. Plus sometimes when the mask do crack a bit, people don't know how to react and they give me this sad look like I'm the most pathetic being in the universe and tell me trivial things like "I hope you will soon feel better" and honestly I can't stand that.

I thank you all for being so understanding and for the hugs. It went okay at work........better then I expected.......but I still feel like dying or just sleeping my day away:/

Out of interest, what sort of reaction makes it a positive experience?

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I can't stand too. I wish everyday was my last day.

 

[nonamegirl]

Out of interest, what sort of reaction makes it a positive experience?

I'm not sure I understand your quoestion sorry. If you mean what reaction from others when my mask cracks and they see at least some of my suffering.......I guess some validation, that they ackknowledge that my feelings are valid and they agree with me that life can be really painful and unfair for some of us.

+ I hate how I am fighting an insane inner battle every day and I don't get the slightest bit of aknowledgement from others on it......some compliments on it........some recognition. It's like having a 24/7 job where the boss don't ackknowledge any of your hard work........nothing........it gets tiring after a while. At some point you just stop trying.

 

[TAW122]

I feel the same way too, I had to put on a mask for family, people in public, and what not. I always wish to die and wished I didn't need to put on that mask, but I'm only putting on 'the mask' because I don't want to raise alarms, red flags, not because I like to nor genuinely happy.

Understand 100 percent. One of the main reasons I want to CTB. I am in the music business. The world sees an illusion. It's all fake. They will only know the truth and wonder why after they read about my suicide. People will be clueless. To the world, I have a life people dream of. If only they knew.

Im on day 3 of insomnia. Time to go smile at the world and let the public think everything is fine and dandy.

Yeah I feel like CTB is also the best course of action for me. Temporary fleeting moments of joy and pleasure are not worth the sheer amounts of suffering and shitty situations for me. Even though I may be young relative to some people around (I'm age 29), but I seen enough and experienced enough to know that I'd rather not stick around for decades to come.

Also since you mentioned that you are in the music biz, yeah it's tough too. I do play an instrument and my worsening anxiety and focus/concentration issues are fucking me up badly to the point where I can't do what I intend to do, a shadow of my former self, and what not (I have a longer story but don't wish to share it yet -- will be when I get closer to CTB'ing, since I don't want to risk revealing too much at this point.).

 

[waterbottleman]

In 1 hour I have to go to work, and I can't stand the thought :( I can't stand another day of putting on a fake mask, I can't stand being witness to other people who led normal joyful lives. I can't stand people who want to chat about life in a normal way, like "oh the sun is out today, isnt it nice" NO, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT MEANINGLESS STUFF!! It tearing me apart.......today I soooo wish I had the guts to just hang myself right now.

I guess I just need a hug and some understanding.

Oh god I sympathize, office chit chat and small talk is so boring and pointless.

I hate how we have to spend 8 hours a day with coworkers and by societal rules we aren't allowed to truly express ourselves with these people who we spend so much of our lives with.

 

[Apathy79]

I'm not sure I understand your quoestion sorry. If you mean what reaction from others when my mask cracks and they see at least some of my suffering.......I guess some validation, that they ackknowledge that my feelings are valid and they agree with me that life can be really painful and unfair for some of us.

+ I hate how I am fighting an insane inner battle every day and I don't get the slightest bit of aknowledgement from others on it......some compliments on it........some recognition. It's like having a 24/7 job where the boss don't ackknowledge any of your hard work........nothing........it gets tiring after a while. At some point you just stop trying.

Yeah that's what I was getting at. I'm just trying to put myself in your coworkers shoes so I can react the right way when I sense someone is putting on the mask for similar reasons. If I'm understanding right, playing with the mask personality rather than the real personality isn't a good approach. Nor is giving basic platitudes like hoping things get better without really trying to understand. You're really just looking for someone to listen, try to understand and empathise. But with the mask you put on, they also really need to initiate that process and ask the right questions, otherwise the mask is all they get. Am I hitting the ballpark here or way off?

 

[waterbottleman]

Life blows.

Seriously this place called "reality" sucks major ass.

 

[LittleJem]

A big hug from me. I know how you feel. There are definitely lots of people wearing masks - you are not alone - and you have all our support

 

[Razor's Edge]

I have to wear a mask everyday as well.
And my mask of Sanity is slipping!

Everywhere I have to go I always try to be nice and friendly and not give anyone the ability to see my suffering.
It's getting really hard to always pretend.

CTB is almost all I think about anymore.
It's like everything around me, that I used to actually see, has all turned to shit!
I don't really care about anything anymore.

Hell...even during smoking weed with friends or watching porn even...all I can think about is CTB. It's maddening!

 

[nonamegirl]

Oh god I sympathize, office chit chat and small talk is so boring and pointless.

I hate how we have to spend 8 hours a day with coworkers and by societal rules we aren't allowed to truly express ourselves with these people who we spend so much of our lives with.

I'm at least somewhat lucky in that I only have to work max 3 hours a day, as I am on partial disability which is possible in my country.

Yeah that's what I was getting at. I'm just trying to put myself in your coworkers shoes so I can react the right way when I sense someone is putting on the mask for similar reasons. If I'm understanding right, playing with the mask personality rather than the real personality isn't a good approach. Nor is giving basic platitudes like hoping things get better without really trying to understand. You're really just looking for someone to listen, try to understand and empathise. But with the mask you put on, they also really need to initiate that process and ask the right questions, otherwise the mask is all they get. Am I hitting the ballpark here or way off?

I am not sure I follow, even though the highlighted sentence is true.......sorry, my head is a mess right now.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Ah the mask. I've been wearing that mask all my adult life. It's exhausting and it doesn't get any easier. You do it to make it easier for other people but they can often subconsciously see through it. Like when someone asks you how they are and the only acceptable answer is 'fine'.
I don't really have any advice ad I'm in a similar situation with my family but you have my sympathy. At least you can drop the mask here.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Ive been thinking about this thread since I posted, and its made me realise again how selfish society is, we have to hide our true feelings, for many reasons, but overall not to offend others, not to upset others, not to cause problems,
We shy away from our true selves to ensure others are happy,
When I really think about it, this is such bullshit, it really is. People suck, I get told all the time to think of others, then on the other hand told to put myself first, yet the undertones are such as to not offend others. Surely this is a contradiction, esp when they tell me to stop putting on the mask and be true to myself?

How can we be true people, and let the mask go, when, when we do we are slated and judged? My mask thank fuck is one of strength and enables me to get through daily, BUT why should I have to scarfice my own well being so not to offend others?
they say suicide is selfish but is it truly, when those on this path are the ones hiding the true pain?

 

[nonamegirl]

Ive been thinking about this thread since I posted, and its made me realise again how selfish society is, we have to hide our true feelings, for many reasons, but overall not to offend others, not to upset others, not to cause problems,
We shy away from our true selves to ensure others are happy,
When I really think about it, this is such bullshit, it really is. People suck, I get told all the time to think of others, then on the other hand told to put myself first, yet the undertones are such as to not offend others. Surely this is a contradiction, esp when they tell me to stop putting on the mask and be true to myself?

How can we be true people, and let the mask go, when, when we do we are slated and judged? My mask thank fuck is one of strength and enables me to get through daily, BUT why should I have to scarfice my own well being so not to offend others?
they say suicide is selfish but is it truly, when those on this path are the ones hiding the true pain?

Very true and I have had similar thoughts today. The double standard in many people is sickening!!......

For instance when people hear of somebody who has killed themselves they almost always say: why didnt she/he say something, why didnt she/she reveal their pain, well guess what......CAUSE IT IS EFFING FROWNED UPON BY OTHERS!! The minute you try to unveil your suffering people are quick to say things like: it will get better and maybe a few more trivial stuff, and it's easy to tell they don't want to deal with this, and then they quickly turn their attention away from you onto something else.......

people need to f****** realize that they are not making room for the suffering souls in this world........they would rather it is sweept under the rug........not to be seen. And as long as thats the attitude the suicides will keep on pilling up.

But survival of the "fittest" I guess.....

 

[Midnight]

Me too @nonamegirl me too. Sometimes the mask slides down a bit and then i act cold and uninterested and coworkers are quick to say "the fuck is his problem?" oh if only they knew what goes in our minds or how hard it is to keep functioning altogether in this society with our state of mind. Ignorance is bliss for those people therefore i keep everything in my thoughts to myself.

Ah the mask. I've been wearing that mask all my adult life. It's exhausting and it doesn't get any easier. You do it to make it easier for other people but they can often subconsciously see through it. Like when someone asks you how they are and the only acceptable answer is 'fine'.
I don't really have any advice ad I'm in a similar situation with my family but you have my sympathy. At least you can drop the mask here.

I'm exactly the same. I've known nothing else in adult life. The mask stay's on everywhere except here and if not the mask then it's the wall behind it hiding my thought and feelings.

You know i had an experience the other day in this regard. A girl asked how i was and i reply'ed the usual "i'm ok .. and you" this repeated itself 2 times because she wanted a better answers and it ended up in a smile / giggle on her part. Then she was looking in my eyes for a short while and i noticed from her facial expression/ her eyes she was trying to see through (in a matter of speech). I asked "what do you see?" And she replied with "a wall.. a wall inside you" .. gotta say that caught me off guard and i had to act quickly and brush it off/change the subject. This girl is quite smart i must say i actually very luch enjoyed that moment as odd as it may sound.

Anyway it's rare for someone to actually see the wall behind the mask ... But this wall inside my mind will never fail .. here is the only place i can let others see behind it. But irl it will not happen.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

this.......

 

[magic6326884]

this.......

Thank you so much for posting this, @Soulless_Angel. And thank you to everyone in this community. It's amazing to have a space where we can be honest and authentic and seen.