Venting I can't reach 30

[eatantz]

I recently turned 18 and I feel like a failure. 12 year old me swore that I would be dead by 18, due to my lack of knowledge on different ctb methods and fear of pain here I am....alive. I'm really grateful to have found this site since its inspired me to keep pursuing my goal of death and my new aim is to die way before 30. I need to build up courage and just do it but apart of me still hopes that I'll have an epiphany or something and find happiness. But I don't really have anything worth living for, I'm struggling with getting good enough grades for uni, I have one friend who wouldn't even know if I died and I'm ugly asf + having autism in a ablest society. Its like world is telling me to off myself.

I like to think I'm not alone but I've never met anyone going through the same things as me...

 

[hermestrimegistus]

Absolutely not alone. When I was 15-16 in my last year of high school I made absolutely no plans for my future because I was banking on being dead before I hit 21. Now I'm 25 and unless some miracle occurs and I can turn my life around and do certain things (basically impossible) I'm planning on being dead before I hit 30. I'm physically gross and I'm not a good person. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. Just a bundle of trauma and regrets. I am an actual failure in every sense of the word

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I feel your pain regarding getting older. I really, really do.

 

[rosenwasser]

You're definitely not alone! I'm autistic as well and was convinced that I'll be dead by 20. I never experienced any kind of love in my whole life so I feel pretty worthless most of the time. Two botched suicide attempts and some years later and I'm 24 and still not dead. I sort of accepted that this "will die by xx years" might not work with SI and the bad availibility of methods so I'm trying to do something with this. I'm in uni now and do actually enjoy it (it's my special interest) but I'm still struggling socially and the feeling that "the world wants me to off myself" definitely hits close to home. This society is not made for someone like me, doesn't need someone like me and they are all very good at showing it. Will I win my recovery arc? Who knows, doesn't feel like it at the moment but I'll just vibe through this until I can't anymore.

I'm not online so often and am more in recovery forums than here but if you want to talk to someone about getting older as an autistic person and the pain that comes with it, feel free to message me.

 

[FuneralCry]

It fills me with dread the thought of suffering until I'm 30, I'm close to turning 23 and it really feels like I've been trapped here for far too long. It really is far too difficult to die, it's cruel how we cannot just easily die in peace but anyway best wishes.

 

[eatantz]

It fills me with dread the thought of suffering until I'm 30, I'm close to turning 23 and it really feels like I've been trapped here for far too long. It really is far too difficult to die, it's cruel how we cannot just easily die in peace but anyway best wishes.

You have such a beautiful way with words, every time I see your comments on the forums I'm marvelled with your ability to express your thoughts [which I always agree with]. I hope that you're able to have a peaceful death and I wish the best for you as well.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I'm older than 30 and life has only become more difficult with age.
I used to cling to the hope of things getting better as regards mental health issues and life is general.
Yet they never did, and have become much worse.
I wish I had terminated my existence when I was younger and saved myself from years of unnecessary suffering.

 

[IWishToDie]

I recently turned 18 and I feel like a failure. 12 year old me swore that I would be dead by 18, due to my lack of knowledge on different ctb methods and fear of pain here I am....alive. I'm really grateful to have found this site since its inspired me to keep pursuing my goal of death and my new aim is to die way before 30. I need to build up courage and just do it but apart of me still hopes that I'll have an epiphany or something and find happiness. But I don't really have anything worth living for, I'm struggling with getting good enough grades for uni, I have one friend who wouldn't even know if I died and I'm ugly asf + having autism in a ablest society. Its like world is telling me to off myself.

I like to think I'm not alone but I've never met anyone going through the same things as me...

I was exactly like you, then I turned 23/24 and my life was great for a year or two. It went downhill way worse than before after that time passed. Hang in there best you can, are you physically disabled? If not, try some meditation and exercise. Good for the soul. Maybe try a blue collar job, also great for the soul. Best of luck, you got plenty time to hit rock bottom (or not).

 

[aslongasiremember]

When I was a teenager I never thought I would make it to 20… then I thought I wouldn't make it till 30… now I am even older and still want to CTB, but I think about it in a less frantic way now. My mental health is pretty crap, I just know why now lol I feel weirdly at peace with hating existence.

 

[The Schizoid]

You're 18 ffs. You don't need anything figured out yet, age 18-30/35 is the time period you're supposed to use to fully discover yourself.

Why would you expect to know what you want to do if you don't even know yourself? You've just come out of childhood where you were more carefree and just did whatever you wanted.

Now it's time to grow up and discover yourself.