I can't process the fact that I'm going to die

[milknife02]

I have the sn. I have a very good idea for a date, the week before march. I have the funds to do so. I have very little si. I feel guilt about my family, sure, but its like I can't grasp that I'm going to die. All of this and I still feel 'anxiety about the future and meaning of my existence'. But it's pointless. I'm out of here at 6 months, max, likely less so why am I laying in bed, wanting to cry from anxiety and paranoia (about everything BUT dying) it seems like the only time I believe it to be true is when I'm talking about it like this. I wish I could always believe it so I wouldn't have to live with this crippling self-consiousness about absolutely everything that is preventing me from even coming close to 'enjoying' the pretty sucky time I have left. Imagine a stage 5 patient, terminally ill, crying over their taxes. It's almost comedic, I want to laugh but I'm suffering. This is like psychological torture. Understanding that you fill find release but not being able to have the security of that truth. I don't even know if any of this makes sense.

 

[Nikitatos]

Everybody dies.

 

[mr.smileysad]

Sounds like you don't really want to die, you just want things to get better.

 

[Trav1989]

Worrying about something you have no control over (nearly everything in regards to life) isn't worth your worry. Living through years, possibly decades of the same maddening existence repeating the same things expecting different results is worth worrying about though.