Depressed_hammerhea
New Member
- Sep 14, 2023
- 2
i can't live with what happened anymore
my life leading up to the age of fifteen was by no means easy, my dad was physically and emotionally abusive and i dealt with a lot of bullying, but it was the care home i moved to shortly after my fifteenth birthday that was the beginning of the end for me. I had been out of school for a couple years and diagnosed with ASD, so after a legal battle and an EHCP i continued my education 3 hours away from my home.
I was placed on a house with 4 other students, one of whom was a boy called Ethan, his room was down the hall from mine. He asked me out in a mcdonald's after a trip. I didn't exactly like him or feel attracted to him, but in the family reinforced belief that I was innately unloveable, I accepted, in the belief that no one else would ever want me.
He came to my room that night, and I felt comfortable and happy. We talked and chatted about our lives and the world, and it would continue to happen for the next two weeks.
All was good until the staff pulled up the relationship agreement for students who dated in the home, and I learnt that being in each others rooms was not allowed. And that breaking said rules could result in us permanently losing our placements at the school
Learning this I told him I wanted it to stop, however he insisted that it would be ok, and we wouldn't be caught, so i gave in.
So the nightly visits continued. It took him a few days to convince me to hug him, and two weeks to convince me to kiss him.
This continued for months, and as it got worse and worse, and he convinced me to do more things and began to force himself upon me, i quickly became completely stuck.
If i refused to let him in my room he would sit there for hours until I let him in out of the stress that someone would find him there. He would message me and threaten me, telling me to let him the fuck in my room, and guilt trip me, telling me about his fake friends who had died in stabbings, and how he needed to see me to cope.
I'd say no and he'd say there needed to be a reason - but no reason ever sufficed.
The first rape happened the end of January that school year. It resulted in a pregnancy and miscarriage that i suffered through all by myself. Keep in mind i was 15 at the time. The last rape happened on 8th of March, and there is no way i'll ever be able to count how many times he raped me because i have little to no memory of that time of my life. All I know is it was a lot, and it happened every night from the end of February to 8th march.
The only reason i managed to escape was my discovery of the sext messages he had sent to a 12 year old at the school.
The aftermath was horrible. I made two police interviews and suffered with nightly flashbacks, both physical and mental. I still to this day get them most days a week, and i can't see that ever leaving me.
What gave me my second lease of life was the relationship i got into summer 2022. We had been friends for a long time beforehand and he helped me through everything. The love he had for me was pure and i loved him with all my heart. And i truly believed he was my future. We dated for 10 months and i pushed him away with my attachments and my emerging BPD, developed as a result of my childhood and recent traumas. He was the most beautiful and thoughtful person i'd ever met, and now i see him in person and he walks right by me like i never meant a thing to him. I have turned to alcohol and drugs and relapsed on self harm to cope, but it isn't enough. nothing will ever be enough.
I need to die, it is only fair and it is the only way I'm going to escape what has happened. I have attempted hanging twice in my life but never managed to succeed, i need help with how i can do this, the pain i am in is unliveable and i need help finding a humane and successful way to die.
my life leading up to the age of fifteen was by no means easy, my dad was physically and emotionally abusive and i dealt with a lot of bullying, but it was the care home i moved to shortly after my fifteenth birthday that was the beginning of the end for me. I had been out of school for a couple years and diagnosed with ASD, so after a legal battle and an EHCP i continued my education 3 hours away from my home.
I was placed on a house with 4 other students, one of whom was a boy called Ethan, his room was down the hall from mine. He asked me out in a mcdonald's after a trip. I didn't exactly like him or feel attracted to him, but in the family reinforced belief that I was innately unloveable, I accepted, in the belief that no one else would ever want me.
He came to my room that night, and I felt comfortable and happy. We talked and chatted about our lives and the world, and it would continue to happen for the next two weeks.
All was good until the staff pulled up the relationship agreement for students who dated in the home, and I learnt that being in each others rooms was not allowed. And that breaking said rules could result in us permanently losing our placements at the school
Learning this I told him I wanted it to stop, however he insisted that it would be ok, and we wouldn't be caught, so i gave in.
So the nightly visits continued. It took him a few days to convince me to hug him, and two weeks to convince me to kiss him.
This continued for months, and as it got worse and worse, and he convinced me to do more things and began to force himself upon me, i quickly became completely stuck.
If i refused to let him in my room he would sit there for hours until I let him in out of the stress that someone would find him there. He would message me and threaten me, telling me to let him the fuck in my room, and guilt trip me, telling me about his fake friends who had died in stabbings, and how he needed to see me to cope.
I'd say no and he'd say there needed to be a reason - but no reason ever sufficed.
The first rape happened the end of January that school year. It resulted in a pregnancy and miscarriage that i suffered through all by myself. Keep in mind i was 15 at the time. The last rape happened on 8th of March, and there is no way i'll ever be able to count how many times he raped me because i have little to no memory of that time of my life. All I know is it was a lot, and it happened every night from the end of February to 8th march.
The only reason i managed to escape was my discovery of the sext messages he had sent to a 12 year old at the school.
The aftermath was horrible. I made two police interviews and suffered with nightly flashbacks, both physical and mental. I still to this day get them most days a week, and i can't see that ever leaving me.
What gave me my second lease of life was the relationship i got into summer 2022. We had been friends for a long time beforehand and he helped me through everything. The love he had for me was pure and i loved him with all my heart. And i truly believed he was my future. We dated for 10 months and i pushed him away with my attachments and my emerging BPD, developed as a result of my childhood and recent traumas. He was the most beautiful and thoughtful person i'd ever met, and now i see him in person and he walks right by me like i never meant a thing to him. I have turned to alcohol and drugs and relapsed on self harm to cope, but it isn't enough. nothing will ever be enough.
I need to die, it is only fair and it is the only way I'm going to escape what has happened. I have attempted hanging twice in my life but never managed to succeed, i need help with how i can do this, the pain i am in is unliveable and i need help finding a humane and successful way to die.
