I can’t live like this

[willitpass]

I'm sitting in my car right now, in the parking lot for somewhere I'm supposed to be in a few minutes. But I can't convince myself to go in. I see no fucking point in doing anything anymore. I can't fucking live like this. It's going to ruin everything I have in my life soon. And I don't know to make myself care. I don't know what to do. I can't carry on like this. I'm sitting here debating driving off and not stopping for hours. It wouldn't take long at all for people to notice my absence and come looking for me. With my mental health history I'd have someone on my ass dragging me to the hospital within a couple days at most once I stop showing up places I'm supposed to be. Part of me is considering calling a hotline not because they'll do anything for me but because I just need to actually talk to a real human about what's going on in my head. I know it would be pointless though. They'd spew some useless platitudes about how strong I am and then I'd have to lie and say I'm not a danger to myself. Part of me just wants to go to the nearest bridge over a river and jump in. I know it wouldn't work though, the bridges aren't high enough and the water isn't fast enough right now. So I'm still sitting in my car, still breaking down, still not knowing what to do.

 

[SVEN]

All I can say is that so many of us have felt just what you're feeling now. You're not alone in your quiet desperation, every good wish.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I understand your frustration. I am so tired I just want to lie down and die.

 

[KillingPain267]

Yeah, a year ago I thought of just travelling to the other side of the globe and just disappearing and starving to death there or find someone to play Russian roulette with.

 

[willitpass]

The only thing keeping me going before was the belief that I would soon be gone. Having now failed four serious attempts in my life I feel completely trapped in this existence with nowhere left to turn for relief. I'm losing my grip on myself without the comfort of knowing I'll be gone soon to keep me sane.
I feel like doing something impulsive. I don't have anything to lose at this point. I can't continue carrying on like everything is fine. I can't just tell someone what is going on either it'll ruin everything. I'm trapped. What the fuck does it matter if I do something stupid anymore.