tiredcat
tired
- Nov 6, 2023
- 42
i'm unsure of why i registered for this site. for the reasoning on the registration page i put something like "meeting people who think like me" but i hesitated for a while
i heard about this site from tantacrul's video a month or so back. i had been interested in it ever since i just never mustered up the courage to actually go ahead and look through it. today was the day i decided to though.
i have been "trying" to get a job for the past few months since i graduated. i spent most of my senior year at home due to my mental health and hospitalization, barely completing any work that was given for me. my school and teachers were fortunately very forgiving and i was able to graduate with the help of some summer school, but it didn't get rid of the constant blanket of thoughts covering my mind, me knowing that no matter how hard i try, no matter what i do i cant get out of this. this is who i am. this is who i've been since i was just a kid. i am ill and i will never be able to achieve the things i wish i could do in my life. travel, drive, go on mundane dates with my boyfriend whenever i want without having to ask for money from my mom and feeling guilty about it.
which brings me back to the job thing.
today i had finally got to start working online. i was really happy about it, and everyone around me was happy for me too. jobs had always been such a trigger to even talk about but getting one and knowing i'll be able to do more things kind of made me think a little more positive. like something was actually worth it. but i couldnt figure out how to do anything. every task i did i wasnt accurate enough, and the main job i applied for ending up being so much more confusing than i thought. i know this is on me, but after 2 hours of trying to figure out what the hell to do i just cried. i cried and ended up here. the feelings are much less intense from how they were a few hours ago, in fact, i was ready to leave, but considering the only lethal thing i have in this apartment are knives (my mom threw away all the medication) i couldnt and still cant do much. i don't have money to get what i would need for a painless suicide (which is preferred) or to even go somewhere to be alone and starve. i thought this was finally going to give me something new. that my perspective of myself might change.
in all honestly i love life. life is beautiful. and i wish i could enjoy it the way other people to. the problem is within myself. i hate every little thing about me, to my appearance to the way i behave and think. i can't see myself achieving the things i want to do in my life. i don't think i can, or am even capable of doing it. i've been like this for years, been on so much medication, gone to therapy, everything. but there's nothing other than the literally impossiblity of me actually being able to commit that's keeping me here. also the fact that this feeling isnt constant but rather randomly overtakes me every 2 weeks or so. i feel okay for sometime, maybe even happy, but then a wave hits and i go from being almost euphoric sometimes to wanting to put a bullet through my head. (im unsure of what's even wrong with me despite my all my diagonosis.)
i don't want to be here. i wasnt built to live in a world like this. i cant communicate with people, even online without feeling anxious. i can't socialize with my family like they do each other. i let my education go when junior year hit so i doubt im as smart as i was before. i feel stupid and utterly useless. there's much more to this feeling other than not being able to have money though. issues including family, sa, past relationships that haunt me, weed and nicotine dependence, etc. i'm not even sure of what i'm gaining by posting this here since talking about it is pointless in the state i'm in but i will anyways.
if you read this far thank you for listening.
-tiredcat
i heard about this site from tantacrul's video a month or so back. i had been interested in it ever since i just never mustered up the courage to actually go ahead and look through it. today was the day i decided to though.
i have been "trying" to get a job for the past few months since i graduated. i spent most of my senior year at home due to my mental health and hospitalization, barely completing any work that was given for me. my school and teachers were fortunately very forgiving and i was able to graduate with the help of some summer school, but it didn't get rid of the constant blanket of thoughts covering my mind, me knowing that no matter how hard i try, no matter what i do i cant get out of this. this is who i am. this is who i've been since i was just a kid. i am ill and i will never be able to achieve the things i wish i could do in my life. travel, drive, go on mundane dates with my boyfriend whenever i want without having to ask for money from my mom and feeling guilty about it.
which brings me back to the job thing.
today i had finally got to start working online. i was really happy about it, and everyone around me was happy for me too. jobs had always been such a trigger to even talk about but getting one and knowing i'll be able to do more things kind of made me think a little more positive. like something was actually worth it. but i couldnt figure out how to do anything. every task i did i wasnt accurate enough, and the main job i applied for ending up being so much more confusing than i thought. i know this is on me, but after 2 hours of trying to figure out what the hell to do i just cried. i cried and ended up here. the feelings are much less intense from how they were a few hours ago, in fact, i was ready to leave, but considering the only lethal thing i have in this apartment are knives (my mom threw away all the medication) i couldnt and still cant do much. i don't have money to get what i would need for a painless suicide (which is preferred) or to even go somewhere to be alone and starve. i thought this was finally going to give me something new. that my perspective of myself might change.
in all honestly i love life. life is beautiful. and i wish i could enjoy it the way other people to. the problem is within myself. i hate every little thing about me, to my appearance to the way i behave and think. i can't see myself achieving the things i want to do in my life. i don't think i can, or am even capable of doing it. i've been like this for years, been on so much medication, gone to therapy, everything. but there's nothing other than the literally impossiblity of me actually being able to commit that's keeping me here. also the fact that this feeling isnt constant but rather randomly overtakes me every 2 weeks or so. i feel okay for sometime, maybe even happy, but then a wave hits and i go from being almost euphoric sometimes to wanting to put a bullet through my head. (im unsure of what's even wrong with me despite my all my diagonosis.)
i don't want to be here. i wasnt built to live in a world like this. i cant communicate with people, even online without feeling anxious. i can't socialize with my family like they do each other. i let my education go when junior year hit so i doubt im as smart as i was before. i feel stupid and utterly useless. there's much more to this feeling other than not being able to have money though. issues including family, sa, past relationships that haunt me, weed and nicotine dependence, etc. i'm not even sure of what i'm gaining by posting this here since talking about it is pointless in the state i'm in but i will anyways.
if you read this far thank you for listening.
-tiredcat
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