I am a lost cause.
I was severely abused my entire life until earlier this year. I was molested by priests as a kid, experienced emotional abuse at the hands of my parents. I started self harming at two and started suicide attempts at 6. My mother foisted me on the eventual father of my son when I was 20. He was emotionally, financially, and physically abused.
I left him and went to my most recent ex and his family, who emotionally abused me and kind of almost murdered me. His family is heavily involved in organized crime and he and his wife (poly) would say they could kill me and they would get away with it because he knows exactly how to hide bodies. They acted like they were joking and said I was being too sensitive by being upset about it. He asked me if I would see him differently if he told me he had killed someone. I went to LA with him to visit his family, and he took me to the mountains and pointed out the spots where he and his dad would get rid of bodies. During sex he would choke me right up until I blacked out and acted like it was an accident. After a weird misunderstanding, his wife's partner said that I wasn't welcome in her house, and two weeks later bought a gun to protect the family.
Last year I lost custody of my son to his father after suing me, citing my mental health. I couldn't afford an attorney for the trial and I was screwed from the start of the whole ordeal. I went from being a stay at home mom to seeing my son every other weekend at my parents house. Shortly after I had a mental health crisis resulting in two psych hospitalizations. My ex was in touch with the father of my son and my mother throughout this whole ordeal and made me out to be much more unstable than I was. He wouldn't let me in his house during the week, made me change my address to where I'm living now. He made me get my own car insurance and get the van of theirs I was driving in my name. They took my house key and in no uncertain terms said that I was not to be in their house during the week, and they would talk about the gun they had all the time.
It's too much. I have extremely severe PTSD that I've been trying to work on in therapy but I'm in exactly the same place I've always been. I have hurt everybody I have ever cared about. I can't work. I can't do anything. There is so much trauma to work through that I have no idea where to even start. I have been on so many different medications for my depression and anxiety but it hasn't helped at all. Nothing helps. Nothing has ever helped. I should never have been born. I have done nothing but ruin every single thing in my life and I can't bring any more pain to the people in my life. I have nothing. I am a black hole of misery and suffering, and I bring everybody down with me. Every single person in my life will be better off without me. I have lost everything. I was right to attempt when I was six and I wish so much that I had known how to do it to prevent all this hurt and pain I have brought to the world.
I can't do this. I can't do this. I have suffered so much. Everybody has suffered so much knowing me. I'm done. I'm done with it all. The only thing I have left to do is to figure out how to get SN with no income. This decision is the only thing that has brought me peace in a long time.
I was severely abused my entire life until earlier this year. I was molested by priests as a kid, experienced emotional abuse at the hands of my parents. I started self harming at two and started suicide attempts at 6. My mother foisted me on the eventual father of my son when I was 20. He was emotionally, financially, and physically abused.
I left him and went to my most recent ex and his family, who emotionally abused me and kind of almost murdered me. His family is heavily involved in organized crime and he and his wife (poly) would say they could kill me and they would get away with it because he knows exactly how to hide bodies. They acted like they were joking and said I was being too sensitive by being upset about it. He asked me if I would see him differently if he told me he had killed someone. I went to LA with him to visit his family, and he took me to the mountains and pointed out the spots where he and his dad would get rid of bodies. During sex he would choke me right up until I blacked out and acted like it was an accident. After a weird misunderstanding, his wife's partner said that I wasn't welcome in her house, and two weeks later bought a gun to protect the family.
Last year I lost custody of my son to his father after suing me, citing my mental health. I couldn't afford an attorney for the trial and I was screwed from the start of the whole ordeal. I went from being a stay at home mom to seeing my son every other weekend at my parents house. Shortly after I had a mental health crisis resulting in two psych hospitalizations. My ex was in touch with the father of my son and my mother throughout this whole ordeal and made me out to be much more unstable than I was. He wouldn't let me in his house during the week, made me change my address to where I'm living now. He made me get my own car insurance and get the van of theirs I was driving in my name. They took my house key and in no uncertain terms said that I was not to be in their house during the week, and they would talk about the gun they had all the time.
It's too much. I have extremely severe PTSD that I've been trying to work on in therapy but I'm in exactly the same place I've always been. I have hurt everybody I have ever cared about. I can't work. I can't do anything. There is so much trauma to work through that I have no idea where to even start. I have been on so many different medications for my depression and anxiety but it hasn't helped at all. Nothing helps. Nothing has ever helped. I should never have been born. I have done nothing but ruin every single thing in my life and I can't bring any more pain to the people in my life. I have nothing. I am a black hole of misery and suffering, and I bring everybody down with me. Every single person in my life will be better off without me. I have lost everything. I was right to attempt when I was six and I wish so much that I had known how to do it to prevent all this hurt and pain I have brought to the world.
I can't do this. I can't do this. I have suffered so much. Everybody has suffered so much knowing me. I'm done. I'm done with it all. The only thing I have left to do is to figure out how to get SN with no income. This decision is the only thing that has brought me peace in a long time.
