Discussion I cant imagine myself here in 5 years

[sami.v]

Every year that passes is even worse than the last, and I'm not talking about my life circumstances but how I feel. There is an increasing pain I'm my chest that doesn't dissappear. I have become a horrible person, I hate my personality so much. But I hate even more that my family and my life experiences had led me to who am I today. Everyday I wonder, 'could my life been better if...'

I can't see myself here in 5 years. I'm currently in college, and I don't hate it but I don't see myself working in the future, neither being unemployed (because I hate being a nuisance) or living at my parent's house. Every option sounds horrible.

I spend my days studying a lot and sleeping 2-3 hours a day. It's been like this the last 3 years. I can't say that I hate that, I mean... I have no time to think, I just have to concentrate in each day, thinking about the next exam, the next thing that I have to read. The problem is when all that stops. The last holidays were horrible, I couldn't stand myself. Everyday was a torture.

Now, I'm at the beginning of my holidays. I fear that I can't stand it again, I don't want to feel bad again. And trust me, I tried seeking profesional help but it seems that the public system it's just shit. I have been with a psychologist some years ago and he recommended me to 'seek help in God'. That was the moment I left, crying a lot.

My house is a mess, my brother is a complete lunatic. He has psychotic breaks often. He went from a 6 years long depression to some kind of schizoid disorder.

I feel so lost, so disappointed with everything, I just want to feel OK. Just that...

Idk I want hope.

What is your experience feeling all this? Did a psychologist or meds help you? Did it better moving from your parent's house? I don't have enough money for a psychologist but maybe I can save some. It just that my bad experience doesn't helps.

 

[UtopianSoliloquies]

I'm currently in college, and I don't hate it but I don't see myself working in the future, neither being unemployed (because I hate being a nuisance) or living at my parent's house. Every option sounds horrible.

I really feel this part because I'm also in university right now and I just can't imagine myself being happy with any job in the future. My family owns some properties and stuff so I could technically survive fine but I would rather die than be a parasite that lives off of others' paychecks through rent-seeking. In my situation, I do try to get enough sleep and eat three meals a day but I can't say it has helped. Working out didn't help either. I just feel awful no matter what I do and I can imagine no end other than suicide. I live in Canada and our public mental healthcare also absolutely sucks and has been sacked. I cannot afford private therapy myself and am too ashamed to ask my parents for help. I remember medication helped me through high school, but I hardly have the motivation to want to be better now.

I don't want to tell you your business but it really does sound like you want to feel better, in which case I do think it would be a good call to seek out a good therapist and maybe be evaluated for medication and whatnot. My university's student union provides us with health insurance and covers a couple thousand dollars in mental health care. Do you know if your school has anything similar? Maybe look into therapy that operates on a sliding scale for payment?

I wish you the best of luck. Wanting to get better is not an easy thing but it's just as valid and reasonable as deciding to CTB.

 

[sami.v]

I really feel this part because I'm also in university right now and I just can't imagine myself being happy with any job in the future. My family owns some properties and stuff so I could technically survive fine but I would rather die than be a parasite that lives off of others' paychecks through rent-seeking. In my situation, I do try to get enough sleep and eat three meals a day but I can't say it has helped. Working out didn't help either. I just feel awful no matter what I do and I can imagine no end other than suicide. I live in Canada and our public mental healthcare also absolutely sucks and has been sacked. I cannot afford private therapy myself and am too ashamed to ask my parents for help. I remember medication helped me through high school, but I hardly have the motivation to want to be better now.

I don't want to tell you your business but it really does sound like you want to feel better, in which case I do think it would be a good call to seek out a good therapist and maybe be evaluated for medication and whatnot. My university's student union provides us with health insurance and covers a couple thousand dollars in mental health care. Do you know if your school has anything similar? Maybe look into therapy that operates on a sliding scale for payment?

I wish you the best of luck. Wanting to get better is not an easy thing but it's just as valid and reasonable as deciding to CTB.

I feel exactly the same. Being a parasite of my family is not even an option, it would just make me more unhappy. About the health insurance... I wish my institute have something like that. The only option that I have is to pay for something myself, my parents don't have any money and 'don't believe in such things'. I felt so horrible with that psycologist form years ago that I'm afraid of feeling the same too. I wish everything could be easier. Still, I can insist on a psychologist from my insurance but she never answered me, because she is overworked. I guess I can try ask her again

 

[silentnights56]

Every year that passes is even worse than the last, and I'm not talking about my life circumstances but how I feel. There is an increasing pain I'm my chest that doesn't dissappear. I have become a horrible person, I hate my personality so much. But I hate even more that my family and my life experiences had led me to who am I today. Everyday I wonder, 'could my life been better if...'

I can't see myself here in 5 years. I'm currently in college, and I don't hate it but I don't see myself working in the future, neither being unemployed (because I hate being a nuisance) or living at my parent's house. Every option sounds horrible.

I spend my days studying a lot and sleeping 2-3 hours a day. It's been like this the last 3 years. I can't say that I hate that, I mean... I have no time to think, I just have to concentrate in each day, thinking about the next exam, the next thing that I have to read. The problem is when all that stops. The last holidays were horrible, I couldn't stand myself. Everyday was a torture.

Now, I'm at the beginning of my holidays. I fear that I can't stand it again, I don't want to feel bad again. And trust me, I tried seeking profesional help but it seems that the public system it's just shit. I have been with a psychologist some years ago and he recommended me to 'seek help in God'. That was the moment I left, crying a lot.

My house is a mess, my brother is a complete lunatic. He has psychotic breaks often. He went from a 6 years long depression to some kind of schizoid disorder.

I feel so lost, so disappointed with everything, I just want to feel OK. Just that...

Idk I want hope.

What is your experience feeling all this? Did a psychologist or meds help you? Did it better moving from your parent's house? I don't have enough money for a psychologist but maybe I can save some. It just that my bad experience doesn't helps.

Damn...I hate work and I also hate relying on others. Relate