ADeadBunny
🪦 July 20th, 2003 - January 8th, 2024
- Nov 19, 2023
- 131
I just need to get the out of my head.
I've posted before about how I wanted to make sure that the others in my life are taken care of before I ctb. I really do want the best for them, but I just can't keep on like this much longer.
For the past 2 hours I've been shaking, hyper ventilating, bawling, and repeating a few sentences to myself over and over again. It was a flashback. An intense one. I already can't remember what caused it, but it hurts. I'll never be able to have a meaningful relationship because of my trauma. I can't trust anyone, but I want to. I want to be able to be vulnerable with someone, but I don't know how. I'm scared people are going to hurt me or I'm going to hurt them.
I'm so tired of this. It makes me sick to know how much it has impacted my life. I just want it to stop. I just want to searing pain to stop, the electric frying sensation in my cerebellum to cease.
I think I'm going to try and make some arrangements to prepare for my attempt tomorrow. I hope to be dead by Sunday. I know that others will suffer because of this and that's just a fact that I've come to terms with. I can't have a clean exit like I wanted. When did my wants ever matter anyway. I'll still do my best to make it manageable. The people I care about don't deserve this pain I'm going to give them. The least I can do is try and make it pass as quickly as possible.
My would've been roommate really doesn't deserve this. She actually has something to live for. She's unbroken. She's special. She's precious. I'm going to leave her in a horrible position. I hope she doesn't follow me. I hope she makes something of herself. I hope she stays safe. I made a horrible mistake reconnecting with her. I should've left her alone and ctb when I was thinking about contacting her. She helped me keep going for a while. She gave me a little bit of hope that things could get better. I now know they can't, but she couldn't have known. She just wanted me to feel better. She's kind. She's a friend. She's more than I deserve. I'll miss her.
I wanted to have a nice day before I do it. I don't think it's going to happen. I'll probably get home from work on Saturday, leave for a while, come back when everyone is either asleep or drunk, make my final preparations, and rest. I'll send a delayed text to my roommate letting her know that she's on her own now. My boss likely won't know I'm dead for at least a week. All of the others I used to hangout with probably won't know for a year, maybe years. I won't be missed. I'm thankful for that.
Thanks for reading if you did. Thanks for putting up with me in my short tenure on this site. I'll post a goodbye before I ctb, but I do want to say that it's been nice.
I wish you all nothing, but peace.
I've posted before about how I wanted to make sure that the others in my life are taken care of before I ctb. I really do want the best for them, but I just can't keep on like this much longer.
For the past 2 hours I've been shaking, hyper ventilating, bawling, and repeating a few sentences to myself over and over again. It was a flashback. An intense one. I already can't remember what caused it, but it hurts. I'll never be able to have a meaningful relationship because of my trauma. I can't trust anyone, but I want to. I want to be able to be vulnerable with someone, but I don't know how. I'm scared people are going to hurt me or I'm going to hurt them.
I'm so tired of this. It makes me sick to know how much it has impacted my life. I just want it to stop. I just want to searing pain to stop, the electric frying sensation in my cerebellum to cease.
I think I'm going to try and make some arrangements to prepare for my attempt tomorrow. I hope to be dead by Sunday. I know that others will suffer because of this and that's just a fact that I've come to terms with. I can't have a clean exit like I wanted. When did my wants ever matter anyway. I'll still do my best to make it manageable. The people I care about don't deserve this pain I'm going to give them. The least I can do is try and make it pass as quickly as possible.
My would've been roommate really doesn't deserve this. She actually has something to live for. She's unbroken. She's special. She's precious. I'm going to leave her in a horrible position. I hope she doesn't follow me. I hope she makes something of herself. I hope she stays safe. I made a horrible mistake reconnecting with her. I should've left her alone and ctb when I was thinking about contacting her. She helped me keep going for a while. She gave me a little bit of hope that things could get better. I now know they can't, but she couldn't have known. She just wanted me to feel better. She's kind. She's a friend. She's more than I deserve. I'll miss her.
I wanted to have a nice day before I do it. I don't think it's going to happen. I'll probably get home from work on Saturday, leave for a while, come back when everyone is either asleep or drunk, make my final preparations, and rest. I'll send a delayed text to my roommate letting her know that she's on her own now. My boss likely won't know I'm dead for at least a week. All of the others I used to hangout with probably won't know for a year, maybe years. I won't be missed. I'm thankful for that.
Thanks for reading if you did. Thanks for putting up with me in my short tenure on this site. I'll post a goodbye before I ctb, but I do want to say that it's been nice.
I wish you all nothing, but peace.
