derpyderpins
missing everybody
- Sep 19, 2023
- 2,137
I know it's a pointless exercise, but there's something fascinating to me about imagining how different people may react to finding out I killed myself. Beyond my close people, I know my family would be devastated.
But so many others throughout the years.
Old friends, old enemies. People I worked with. People who knew me in passing: in elementary school, middle school, high school. People with whom I had fallouts.
What about my first crush? My longest running unrequited highschool crush? Past girlfriend? Girl I hurt? Girl who hurt me?
What about the friend I had a fight with? The one I talked to again. The one I didn't. The one who was part of my life over a decade ago and probably forgot it all.
What about that friend group? The first guys I chose to be my friends at university, when I had choice in friends. What about roommates? The one I was assigned, the one who mentored me, the one I got saddled with.
What about the people at my favorite bar? Who was really my friend and who was just doing their job or looking to pass time? What about every person in a group I tried to be in, who had thought about inviting me before deciding against it?
What about people whose texts I never got around to responding to? What about the people who never responded to me? Who I never heard from again?
I'm sure plenty of people have not liked me. I know of a bunch that for sure don't/didn't, but I'm sure plenty have rolled their eyes at me, or even hated me from the background. I certainly couldn't blame them.
A lot of people have a good image, though. Hundreds came to my wedding. Sure, most were friends of my parents rather than me directly, but I guess they'd be sad... or would they?
Sad for a few minutes, then move on. That's probably by far the most common.
Or maybe devastated for quite a while. Probably not many. Most people are good at moving on. They'd be sad if I'm ever brought up but otherwise be okay.
"That's so sad, but not surprising. He was messed up."
"Something had to be wrong with him, I knew it."
"He was creepy. honestly it was probably for the better."
"He was a dick. I never thought he was funny, he just wanted attention." "He was so fucking cringe, but still it's sad you hate to see it happen to anyone but yeah he was cringe."
"He was so weird. I guess this explains it."
Maybe "I knew he had issues, but not this bad . . ." or "he always made everything so dramatic. How selfish to do this to his loved ones."
"Why would he do this to us? Couldn't he have kept going? He could have reached out!"
Probably a lot of "who?"
"Oh yeah that guy. idk never thought about him."
"He was like a kid, not a man."
"What a shame, it's because of [political talking point.]"
At least a few would say: "not surprising. He was weak." "Mentally weak. Too lazy." "Just couldn't cut it, that's why we had to fire him." "He was pathetic. He needed external validation and was desperate for it," basically an NPC following society's rules even if he theorized against them.
"He pissed me off so much."
I think about all of it.
It may not make sense or feel like it relates to this post, but I feel so very disconnected. My soul isn't on the same plane as those around me. It feels like whatever energy is supposed to keep my body animated has gone somewhere else. It's not that my limbs feel heavy, it's that they aren't lifted at all. They're just there.
And people keep living their lives. I guess that's why I'm thinking about people. How do they think and see? I don't want to make the mistake of thinking I'm special, but I know they don't think like me. Their brain isn't as much of a pain in the ass.
I guess another thing is that I know how my close people will react, because that's how close people react. The more interesting question is the sum of it. A life. How many feel they were better, worse, or unaffected by my presence? Was separating from me for the best? Was I a negative? Because I've been more of a negative to myself.
But so many others throughout the years.
Old friends, old enemies. People I worked with. People who knew me in passing: in elementary school, middle school, high school. People with whom I had fallouts.
What about my first crush? My longest running unrequited highschool crush? Past girlfriend? Girl I hurt? Girl who hurt me?
What about the friend I had a fight with? The one I talked to again. The one I didn't. The one who was part of my life over a decade ago and probably forgot it all.
What about that friend group? The first guys I chose to be my friends at university, when I had choice in friends. What about roommates? The one I was assigned, the one who mentored me, the one I got saddled with.
What about the people at my favorite bar? Who was really my friend and who was just doing their job or looking to pass time? What about every person in a group I tried to be in, who had thought about inviting me before deciding against it?
What about people whose texts I never got around to responding to? What about the people who never responded to me? Who I never heard from again?
I'm sure plenty of people have not liked me. I know of a bunch that for sure don't/didn't, but I'm sure plenty have rolled their eyes at me, or even hated me from the background. I certainly couldn't blame them.
A lot of people have a good image, though. Hundreds came to my wedding. Sure, most were friends of my parents rather than me directly, but I guess they'd be sad... or would they?
Sad for a few minutes, then move on. That's probably by far the most common.
Or maybe devastated for quite a while. Probably not many. Most people are good at moving on. They'd be sad if I'm ever brought up but otherwise be okay.
"That's so sad, but not surprising. He was messed up."
"Something had to be wrong with him, I knew it."
"He was creepy. honestly it was probably for the better."
"He was a dick. I never thought he was funny, he just wanted attention." "He was so fucking cringe, but still it's sad you hate to see it happen to anyone but yeah he was cringe."
"He was so weird. I guess this explains it."
Maybe "I knew he had issues, but not this bad . . ." or "he always made everything so dramatic. How selfish to do this to his loved ones."
"Why would he do this to us? Couldn't he have kept going? He could have reached out!"
Probably a lot of "who?"
"Oh yeah that guy. idk never thought about him."
"He was like a kid, not a man."
"What a shame, it's because of [political talking point.]"
At least a few would say: "not surprising. He was weak." "Mentally weak. Too lazy." "Just couldn't cut it, that's why we had to fire him." "He was pathetic. He needed external validation and was desperate for it," basically an NPC following society's rules even if he theorized against them.
"He pissed me off so much."
I think about all of it.
It may not make sense or feel like it relates to this post, but I feel so very disconnected. My soul isn't on the same plane as those around me. It feels like whatever energy is supposed to keep my body animated has gone somewhere else. It's not that my limbs feel heavy, it's that they aren't lifted at all. They're just there.
And people keep living their lives. I guess that's why I'm thinking about people. How do they think and see? I don't want to make the mistake of thinking I'm special, but I know they don't think like me. Their brain isn't as much of a pain in the ass.
I guess another thing is that I know how my close people will react, because that's how close people react. The more interesting question is the sum of it. A life. How many feel they were better, worse, or unaffected by my presence? Was separating from me for the best? Was I a negative? Because I've been more of a negative to myself.
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