I can't help but wonder if...

[DefinitelyReady]

Respectfully, I can't help but wonder: are most of us who chronically want to Ctb and/or do actually Ctb, does this mean we are just, weak...??

Is it that simple/easy? Whether we're predisposed to be, taught to be, forced by influence and/or environment, or the "perfect storm," are some of us just less resilient to our own circumstances because we're ultimately weak? Survival of the fittest? Diseased brains just dying off naturally? You technically win nothing by getting to the end of your natural life, you just want to, or just end up doing so. So what does "strength" even mean?

We all see the world differently, and for myself, me choosing to Ctb always seems to come back to me, fractioning my reasons down, to simply being weak, as my "prime" reason.
Ironically that was always my one of my greatest two fears growing up: being ignorant, and being weak. Colossal fail to both

 

[stupidhuman]

Honestly ? I think so.
At least from a biological/ evolutionary point of view.

Being mentally resilient is a trait that leads to increased chances of survival. If you kill yourself your resilience wasn't "strong enough" I guess.

That doesn't imply that peoples problems are not real or so. People have it hard.
It's just a fact that if you can not cope with certain challenges in life and decide to CTB you're not fit to live in *these* circumstances you're in.

There's a chance that another person with another brain living your live wouldn't CTB but find a way to cope that's not CTB.

I've seen videos of people disabled to a point you couldn't imagine and they continue to live. Like truly truly horrific things happened to them. Looking at them sparks my suicidality.

Also you could debate whether your question is more about fit/unfit and not weak/strong.
The latter is kinda more subjective and harder to discuss or find the ultimate truth.

But at the end why would it matter to you if u want to leave anyways ?

 

[endofline2010]

Respectfully, I can't help but wonder: are most of us who chronically want to Ctb and/or do actually Ctb, does this mean we are just, weak...??

Is it that simple/easy? Whether we're predisposed to be, taught to be, forced by influence and/or environment, or the "perfect storm," are some of us just less resilient to our own circumstances because we're ultimately weak? Survival of the fittest? Diseased brains just dying off naturally? You technically win nothing by getting to the end of your natural life, you just want to, or just end up doing so. So what does "strength" even mean?

We all see the world differently, and for myself, me choosing to Ctb always seems to come back to me, fractioning my reasons down, to simply being weak, as my "prime" reason.
Ironically that was always my one of my greatest two fears growing up: being ignorant, and being weak. Colossal fail to both

I guess it depends on your definition of weakness. While CTB may be the easiest path for us, vs suffering mentally, physically, or circumstantially, it's still not easy for most people.

As far as chronic depression being a mental illness - maybe it is, or maybe it's a perfectly natural reaction to what someone is going through.

You are right about not 'winning' anything by ending your life. I don't think any of us feel that way. It's more about cutting our losses.

In the end, you have to judge yourself. I don't think anyone on here is weak. I may not agree with everyone's reason for choosing to ctb, but it's also not my decision to make.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Honestly ? I think so.
At least from a biological/ evolutionary point of view.

Being mentally resilient is a trait that leads to increased chances of survival. If you kill yourself your resilience wasn't "strong enough" I guess.

That doesn't imply that peoples problems are not real or so. People have it hard.
It's just a fact that if you can not cope with certain challenges in life and decide to CTB you're not fit to live in *these* circumstances you're in.

There's a chance that another person with another brain living your live wouldn't CTB but find a way to cope that's not CTB.

I've seen videos of people disabled to a point you couldn't imagine and they continue to live. Like truly truly horrific things happened to them. Looking at them sparks my suicidality.

Also you could debate whether your question is more about fit/unfit and not weak/strong.
The latter is kinda more subjective and harder to discuss or find the ultimate truth.

But at the end why would it matter to you if u want to leave anyways ?

Interesting you mention that because as far as physical fears I had growing up, I strangely knew at a very younge age that nothing better happen to me that leaves me not having full use of my limbs as I would NOT be able to handle that, at all... So I at least didn't take my agility/abilities for granted.

I am at the end; and I ask because I can't even will myself to do the shit I need to in order to Ctb, so I'm just left hating myself and am just left with my thoughts. It affects my family. I currently can't even get my ass to the appt to get approval for anxiety medication so that I can have a chance at starting the Ctb process. It matters because I currently have to do ridiculous therapy in order to get meds. Started a new therapist today. Sucked. Everyday is such bullshit and has been most of my life, so I wonder, am I just fucking weak? Simple as that. I create my own obstacles, but they just EXIST to me, so it's hard to say self-created when they're not intentional. My last therapist was a passive-aggressive asshole who might as well of told me that I should just kms, because nothing is going to change.

I know others given my opportunities in my life would have taken a different route so that's not a new concept to me at least. So that just leaves me to compare myself with people. "Why did this have to happen? Why haven't I been able to Ctb yet?" Since I'm "stuck" rn with myself, these questions just arrive and it all falls back to "weakness." I thought different minds would have different answers and it'd make me feel a tad better?

When I do Ctb, I don't want my family, especially my mom, to feel pain and carry guilt, so I'm trying to think of what kinds of answers to give to her that carry weight so she has a chance at knowing it wasn't her fault, and that there's nothing she could have done.

I'm embarrassed and take shame in Ctb in regards to how my mother will feel. I'm not content with my decision, as in not at peace with it, even though I am because I know I have no chance at living. The guilt of it. If you can understand that. Most people here don't gaf what their parents will think or feel because they hate them. That's not true for me. Yes this will allow me to finally be at peace, but at what cost? I'm not at peace with hurting her in the greatest way I ever could... so I guess I'm just looking for solace in my misery of being "stuck" in my misery.

Shit doesn't go just to the wind because I choose to end it.
Hth

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've definitely thought I was weak in the past. Especially when it comes to trying to cope in social situations. I suppose it mattered to me when I still wanted to try and be a part of this world, or at least get by in it.

I think a lot of us have got to a point where we want to reject this world though. Maybe because we feel too weak to fit in to it. Maybe it is a more petty snub of something we don't feel good enough for.

I'm not so sure though... Do we even want to be the type of person who does well in this world?!! As for the people who've probably bullied us- do we want to be like them? Likely some of them are narcissists and sociopaths. Why would we aspire to be like that? Not to say that's the only way to survive in this world but, I expect they do do well. Why would we want to be part of a system that rewards that kind of behaviour?

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I've definitely thought I was weak in the past. Especially when it comes to trying to cope in social situations. I suppose it mattered to me when I still wanted to try and be a part of this world, or at least get by in it.

I think a lot of us have got to a point where we want to reject this world though. Maybe because we feel too weak to fit in to it. Maybe it is a more petty snub of something we don't feel good enough for.

I'm not so sure though... Do we even want to be the type of person who does well in this world?!! As for the people who've probably bullied us- do we want to be like them? Likely some of them are narcissists and sociopaths. Why would we aspire to be like that? Not to say that's the only way to survive in this world but, I expect they do do well. Why would we want to be part of a system that rewards that kind of behaviour?

Well when I was a teen, back when I'd allow myself to "dream" or think of my future, I had envisioned studying forever so I'd know as much as I could, having a lot of good friends for adventures and a smaller close circle of best friends to live everyday life with, a job that I actually enjoyed where I could be creative and kept me comfortable financially, having my immediate family along the way, a dreamboat of a bf, animals, and many successful milestones, among many other things. I never imagined I would be this inept, executively dysfunctional hermit, among many other things...

When I did "do the social thing" I was pretty decent at it and it was just the beginning. I never cared about having to compete with jerkoffs like in school. Those days were over. But now there's an even bigger market to compare yourself and keep up with. It's simply too big that my ocd can't keep up with; and as a perfectionist, it's all or nothing. I never learned balance or acceptance. That was never good enough. So I essentially unintentionally chose nothing.

Point being we all have our "overall outlook" of things we perceive as challenges. Defeating other people wasn't necessarily the problem for me; it was always beating myself :/

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I guess it depends on your definition of weakness. While CTB may be the easiest path for us, vs suffering mentally, physically, or circumstantially, it's still not easy for most people.

As far as chronic depression being a mental illness - maybe it is, or maybe it's a perfectly natural reaction to what someone is going through.

You are right about not 'winning' anything by ending your life. I don't think any of us feel that way. It's more about cutting our losses.

In the end, you have to judge yourself. I don't think anyone on here is weak. I may not agree with everyone's reason for choosing to ctb, but it's also not my decision to make.

Interesting.
I suppose I'm seeking to undermine my thinking that it does make me weak for ctb'ing, and would in the same vain of thinking for most others.

I've thought of a few of these points, but the way you speak of it (I think more kindly than I ever could.) makes it seem that it's possible it's not as simply to call the decision to Ctb "just weak." It's such bullshit that I never get thought out answers like these from therapists who are supposed to be specialists compared to regular people regarding the psyche. You get what you pay for I suppose.

Does it read that we don't technically win by ending it? I meant the opposite actually :/
Not winning anything technically by living out your life through a natural death. Not that that's a reason to Ctb.

I honestly wish I had a truthful opinion of if I'm just weak but I can't seem to get that from any therapist, which is pathetic to me. Thought I could get it here.

"Cutting our losses" is something I haven't heard it being described as. I almost added that included in the exceptions were people who rationalized a logistical value to their life not as not being worth the trouble to live. The math of their life just literally not adding up and not foreseeable to change.