I can’t help anyone

[toxicjester]

My gf is never going to be happy with how she looks, and I can't help her with that. She's trans and started transitioning around 4 years ago and according to her, hasn't gotten anywhere with it. While I can see that her body doesn't look like a fucking supermodel body big chest and ass, I think the weight distribution has gotten slightly better, and a lot of the time she can dress herself in a way that hides the shit she doesn't like and gives off the illusion of other features that she otherwise doesn't have. She also does her makeup really well and it honestly baffles me a lot of the time that she thinks she's ugly when I think she looks amazing, but I'm so horrible at articulating my thoughts and can't give her like "concrete proof" that she ends up dismissing me and has admitted to tuning me out sometimes when I try.

Right before I left the room after having another conversation like this that ended in nothing she said "when I come back I'm either gonna look at you to see if you've come up with something better to say, which you won't cause there's nothing you could say that would help me, or I'll just have to pretend that everything is okay again. Just wanted to say that"

Feels horrible that one of the few reasons I'm still around is basically for nothing since I don't do shit for her emotionally, at most I just provide financial support (and that's fucking abysmal cause I work at a fast food place)

 

[M3lancholia]

Please don't be so hard on yourself - you sound very supportive of her. Just let her know how amazing she looks, unfortunately she sounds like she has poor self image and will find it hard to accept what you're saying. But keep complimenting her and hugging her and she may finally accept herself as someone loveable.
You seem kind & are trying your best for her but you need a bit kinder to yourself too

 

[Ash]

Sadly, body dysmorphia can't be healed by kind and supportive words from loved ones, no matter how much we want them to be. Is she getting any kind of support as she transitions or is she going it alone (except for you)?

All I can say is keep being loving and supportive but maybe consider getting professional relationship advice so you can set some boundaries. It's ok for her to question what you've said but not to expect you to have all the answers - that's impossible, even if you were the top psychologist in the world.

Make sure you get time and space for yourself. You're important too and the relationship is supposed to be about both of you. Transitioning is massive and the hormonal adjustments will not be helping things either, so you both need patience, respect for one another and yourselves and maybe some fun? Why did you get together? Can you go back to doing what you did then so it's about the pair of you? Easier said than done, I know. But maybe start small. And we're always here if you need to vent. Don't bottle it up.

(Edited for typos)

 

[EvisceratedJester]

She's likely body dysmorphic and nothing you do will fix that. The problem goes deeper than just needing compliments from others. It's an issue that comes down to her and how she views her own body, not how you or others view her, despite how ot may appear on the surface. Don't beat yourself up over this. You are trying your best to be supportive of her but there isn't much you can do. Body image issues aren't something that can be solved easily through external validation.

You being supportive of her is enough. You don't need to be the one to solve all of her issues.

 

[Linda]

My gf is never going to be happy with how she looks, and I can't help her with that. She's trans and started transitioning around 4 years ago and according to her, hasn't gotten anywhere with it. While I can see that her body doesn't look like a fucking supermodel body big chest and ass, I think the weight distribution has gotten slightly better, and a lot of the time she can dress herself in a way that hides the shit she doesn't like and gives off the illusion of other features that she otherwise doesn't have. She also does her makeup really well and it honestly baffles me a lot of the time that she thinks she's ugly when I think she looks amazing, but I'm so horrible at articulating my thoughts and can't give her like "concrete proof" that she ends up dismissing me and has admitted to tuning me out sometimes when I try.

Right before I left the room after having another conversation like this that ended in nothing she said "when I come back I'm either gonna look at you to see if you've come up with something better to say, which you won't cause there's nothing you could say that would help me, or I'll just have to pretend that everything is okay again. Just wanted to say that"

Feels horrible that one of the few reasons I'm still around is basically for nothing since I don't do shit for her emotionally, at most I just provide financial support (and that's fucking abysmal cause I work at a fast food place)

Transitioning isn't easy, and it may be taking more out of her than you realise.

A trans woman needs to pay careful attention to a lot of things if she wants to pass: clothes, makeup, hairstyle, jewellry, voice, mannerisms, even way of walking. That's a lot to think about, until she gets used to it, and it would not be surprising if she worries that she's not doing everything as well as she needs to. She will also have had the hassle (and a lot of pain if she used electrolysis) of getting rid of unwanted hair, and if she wants any surgery she can expect a lot more hassle and pain.

Just keep supporting her.

If she wants "concrete proof"of how she looks, tell her to go to a bar (or somewhere) full of heterosexual men and count how many of them try to chat her up.

 

[msesis]

I think it's okay to let her feel how she does. You can tell her you think she looks amazing, but it's okay if she feels like she doesn't. That way she doesn't feel like every time she commiserates with you she has to be preached to. It's kind of like when we talk to others about suicide. Sometimes we just want to talk without being lectured.

Happiness makes everyone beautiful, I truly believe this. We can't change what we've got but happiness is so attractive. It's probably not something you should say to her. But you can remind her she's beautiful when she laughs, in a mundane moment when you feel in love, etc. Try to tie her beauty outside of her looks.