I CAN'T HANDLE THE REJECTION ANYMORE

[Unattainable666]

I would never feel comfortable telling anyone else this but I believe the people on this site (some) understand how I feel. I totally fucked up recently and landed in a shit show. I allowed myself to get close to someone who used me and dumped me. All I can hear is my mother's voice telling me over and over how ugly, stupid and worthless I am. How I will never find anyone to love me (go figure she was right). She set me up for failure from the first breadth I took. I am now a grown ass woman who has the emotional maturity of a 6 year old. I allow people to hurt me in every way imaginable. The pain I've suffered from years of rejection and abuse have taken their toll. I am now ready to go (I know I've said this before) I've lived long enough to know that my life isnt going to change and I am choosing to not live this way. I cant worry about failing - I will not fail. I will be gone by CHristmas. I hate the holidays I figure this would be appropriate. Since my little girl died my life has changed drastically. It has been a living hell. I want - I need some kind of peace - I was hoping I'd have a heart attack, maybe die from a broken heart anything but it doesn't seem to be that way so I have to take things into my own hands. I'm so relieved to be leaving. Thanks for listening

 

[gbi2]

I kind of had the opposite with people telling me "You'll find someone eventually, you are good looking, kind, and funny" but outside of family and early friends I was socially awkward. I felt that during my clubbing years I needed to meet someone as night clubbing in the House music scene, everyone was a bit odd and awkward and being at those clubs was our release from conforming.

But I knew that as we would all mature (well they would, I wouldn't) and my friends would pair off or meet others, I would be left on my own, unable to socialise and hold an intelligent conversation. So it was now or never for me in my 20's

I turned out to be correct, I'm over 50 now and single. Not that I want to be with anyone now, in fact when I hit my early forties I began feeling I couldn't think about other people now, Growing up with siblings, sharing and considering each other, was the thing that got me taken advantage of in my young adult life as I'd always give rather than take, but now I've gone so far the other way, I cannot even consider what someone else wants out of the day. I do what I want and that's it. I've flatly refused a few attempts by ex work colleagues in recent years to 'meet their friend' because there is no way I could think of another now. I'm unable to even think for myself now too which is why I want to ctb.

So I kind of understand what you are going though. Different situation but same frustration

 

[Unattainable666]

I kind of had the opposite with people telling me "You'll find someone eventually, you are good looking, kind, and funny" but outside of family and early friends I was socially awkward. I felt that during my clubbing years I needed to meet someone as night clubbing in the House music scene, everyone was a bit odd and awkward and being at those clubs was our release from conforming.

But I knew that as we would all mature (well they would, I wouldn't) and my friends would pair off or meet others, I would be left on my own, unable to socialise and hold an intelligent conversation. So it was now or never for me in my 20's

I turned out to be correct, I'm over 50 now and single. Not that I want to be with anyone now, in fact when I hit my early forties I began feeling I couldn't think about other people now, Growing up with siblings, sharing and considering each other, was the thing that got me taken advantage of in my young adult life as I'd always give rather than take, but now I've gone so far the other way, I cannot even consider what someone else wants out of the day. I do what I want and that's it. I've flatly refused a few attempts by ex work colleagues in recent years to 'meet their friend' because there is no way I could think of another now. I'm unable to even think for myself now too which is why I want to ctb.

So I kind of understand what you are going though. Different situation but same frustration

I'm sorry for your pain. I understand. I'm 62. I don't think I'll ever learn to protect myself from the cruelty of other people.