Venting I can't go on living like this

[WonderlandsFallen]

I have ruined any chance I had at a happily ever after. I am suicidal but scared.

For reasons I don't wish to delve into, I have completely ruined my life. I'm stuck, jobless, heartbroken by my own actions, fearful, anxiety ridden, and desperate for a change.

I lay in bed everyday, hardly able to manage to leave my room. My hair and teeth are unbrushed, my body is unbathed. I cannot keep living. I am so extremely lost and I'm just being dragged by other people and their decisions for me. And I deserve it. I deserve to not have a choice. I deserve to be in pain. I deserve to be hurt. But when will my debt be paid? When will I feel like I deserve to be happy again? I've destroyed everything and I deserve to die. So why won't death just take me? Why won't my pain stop and why can't I just CTB? I'm so scared of it. I can't manage to S.H. properly. I can't. Even though I want to.

How can I be so addicted to pain and yet so weak? I don't know. Thank you for reading my rambles.

 

[blahblahuser1174]

i feel exactly the same

 

[bleeeeeep]

it's so understandable to be scared. i am too, i hope that is some comfort to you, knowing you're not the only one who craves death but is afraid. you do deserve happiness and i really hope you are able to find it someday. wishing you peace and comfort whatever you decide to do

 

[WonderlandsFallen]

it's so understandable to be scared. i am too, i hope that is some comfort to you, knowing you're not the only one who craves death but is afraid. you do deserve happiness and i really hope you are able to find it someday. wishing you peace and comfort whatever you decide to do

Your pfp made me smile. That show has brought me so much comfort.

 

[chocolatebar]

I'm just being dragged by other people and their decisions for me

This is extremely painful when we realize it. My entire life was living someone else's life.... and I didn't live mine

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be a dreadful feeling when everything is hopeless. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. Living is very painful. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Justsogone]

I totally understand you, I struggle kind of like that every single day and It's a nightmare

 

[G_Man]

I saw this quote today and I think it fits very well with what you said.
"Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die."

 

[little helpers]

How can I be so addicted to pain and yet so weak? I don't know.

cuz weak and powerless is what one feels in addiction.

cuz the pain consumes us but also anchors us. cradles us.

cuz pain is given a meaning, we take meanings out of it. and strangely, it fills our souls and empty hearts.

and know this is the here and now.

thank you for reading my rambles.