Venting I Can't Function (chronic pain hyperacusis)

[GyreOfAsh]

Invisible suffering is treated as an inconvenience & viewed as shameful weakness. If wounds do not bleed where others can see them, they do not exist. And if your pain does not resemble theirs, they will shame you for it. Our peace is limited by their mental capacity or incentive to extrapolate beyond themselves. Our pain asks too much of the average human mind. If you do not meet the many especially unspoken standards, you will be corrected, shamed, pressured, etc. And even though motivation without foundation is delusion, their desires will still be forced onto you. They will attempt to mold you into something that functions more conveniently within their system. Even if it breaks yours.

I have a condition called "Hyperacusis" which is defined as an intolerance to everyday sounds. I can hear just as well as the average person, but my pain threshold is significantly lower. The average persons discomfort/pain from sound starts at ~85-90db while mine starts at ~45-50db. Sound is logarithmic so this is about a 10k-30,000-fold difference in magnitude.

Here's a small chart that describes different sounds & my perception of them vs the average person:


pain concept: a microwave beep to me is what a smoke alarm beep is to the average person, a smoke alarm beep to me is what a high-output industrial emergency alarm is to the average person, a high-output industrial emergency alarm to me is what a large military explosion is to the average person, etc.

It's not an exact 1:1 comparison but it's pretty close. The flaw is that it's like comparing the resilience of skin above a wound above a fracture (that both never fully heal) to the skin above the absence of a wound or fracture...

And though the immediate nociceptive pain response is bad, it still isn't even the worst of it. I can be pretty resilient to immediate & brief pain. But with this condition, it never stays brief. It spreads into prolonged internal chaos. My nervous system works in tandem with my brain to create even more debilitating pain & stress via neurosensory fatigue, autonomic hyperarousal, central auditory gain dysregulation, etc. This has the same negative impact that any extremely high stress state does on any body. Homeostasis capabilities are weakened. My nervous system struggles to regulate itself under conditions that others themselves routinely barely notice.

Many are able to establish their lives before they experience a significant amount of chronic pain. I've had debilitating chronic pain from hyperacusis & nervous system related issues ever since I was an early teenager. It's why I dropped out of high school at age 16. It's why I've preferred isolation for the last 10 years. It's why I've slowly drifted away from general socializing. It's why my view on life is dimming. Hyperacusis did not enter my identity, it formed it. Before I could choose to become someone, I became someone in pain.

If they even acknowledge it, many in life don't truly understand or respect this. They never will. Not when it's needed the most. Not even those closest to me.
And that's exactly why I'm here. This world wasn't built for people like me. I recognize that now more than ever. I'm defective. Destined to be constantly misunderstood. Destined to constantly suffer. I've been shown time & time again that I cannot truly rely on anyone to reduce my suffering & yet this condition is one that only becomes tolerable when there is someone to heavily rely on. Quiet environments reduce the pain and allow my nervous system to regulate. But isolation is not thriving. It is containment. There is no bright or worthwhile future in isolation. And yet, I cannot cope without it.


^warning flashing elements

 

[RiftbornVeil]

Invisible suffering is treated as an inconvenience & viewed as shameful weakness. If wounds do not bleed where others can see them, they do not exist. And if your pain does not resemble theirs, they will shame you for it. Our peace is limited by their mental capacity or incentive to extrapolate beyond themselves. Our pain asks too much of the average human mind. If you do not meet the many especially unspoken standards, you will be corrected, shamed, pressured, etc. And even though motivation without foundation is delusion, their desires will still be forced onto you. They will attempt to mold you into something that functions more conveniently within their system. Even if it breaks yours.

I have a condition called "Hyperacusis" which is defined as an intolerance to everyday sounds. I can hear just as well as the average person, but my pain threshold is significantly lower. The average persons discomfort/pain from sound starts at ~85-90db while mine starts at ~45-50db. Sound is logarithmic so this is about a 10k-30,000-fold difference in magnitude.

Here's a small chart that describes different sounds & my perception of them vs the average person:

View attachment 195253
pain concept: a microwave beep to me is what a smoke alarm beep is to the average person, a smoke alarm beep to me is what a high-output industrial emergency alarm is to the average person, a high-output industrial emergency alarm to me is what a large military explosion is to the average person, etc.

It's not an exact 1:1 comparison but it's pretty close. The flaw is that it's like comparing the resilience of skin above a wound above a fracture (that both never fully heal) to the skin above the absence of a wound or fracture...

And though the immediate nociceptive pain response is bad, it still isn't even the worst of it. I can be pretty resilient to immediate & brief pain. But with this condition, it never stays brief. It spreads into prolonged internal chaos. My nervous system works in tandem with my brain to create even more debilitating pain & stress via neurosensory fatigue, autonomic hyperarousal, central auditory gain dysregulation, etc. This has the same negative impact that any extremely high stress state does on any body. Homeostasis capabilities are weakened. My nervous system struggles to regulate itself under conditions that others themselves routinely barely notice.

Many are able to establish their lives before they experience a significant amount of chronic pain. I've had debilitating chronic pain from hyperacusis & nervous system related issues ever since I was an early teenager. It's why I dropped out of high school at age 16. It's why I've preferred isolation for the last 10 years. It's why I've slowly drifted away from general socializing. It's why my view on life is dimming. Hyperacusis did not enter my identity, it formed it. Before I could choose to become someone, I became someone in pain.

If they even acknowledge it, many in life don't truly understand or respect this. They never will. Not when it's needed the most. Not even those closest to me.
And that's exactly why I'm here. This world wasn't built for people like me. I recognize that now more than ever. I'm defective. Destined to be constantly misunderstood. Destined to constantly suffer. I've been shown time & time again that I cannot truly rely on anyone to reduce my suffering & yet this condition is one that only becomes tolerable when there is someone to heavily rely on. Quiet environments reduce the pain and allow my nervous system to regulate. But isolation is not thriving. It is containment. There is no bright or worthwhile future in isolation. And yet, I cannot cope without it.

I am so sorry you're struggling by this condition. We don't get to choose the cards we're dealt, and that is such an agonizing truth. It is unfortunate CPH has taken your chance at a higher education and socialization. Humans are social creatures, after all, and your view on isolation as containment is one I understand completely.

The world is ignorant, restrictive, and propels those who check certain boxes forward. It is unkind, cruel, and hostile at times.

Please, hold your head high. And if you ever need to vent, SaSu, including myself, is here

 

[GyreOfAsh]

I am so sorry you're struggling by this condition. We don't get to choose the cards we're dealt, and that is such an agonizing truth. It is unfortunate CPH has taken your chance at a higher education and socialization. Humans are social creatures, after all, and your view on isolation as containment is one I understand completely.

The world is ignorant, restrictive, and propels those who check certain boxes forward. It is unkind, cruel, and hostile at times.

Please, hold your head high. And if you ever need to vent, SaSu, including myself, is here

Thank you so much I really appreciate your kind words. It feels really good to be understood fr. So used to being denigrated irl. I'll definitely try my hardest to keep a good frame of mind. One perk of suffering significantly from a young age is that the further you get in life typically translates to some pretty significant resilience. The toughest part can determining if the mind is about to break or is just due for repair hah. For now I'll assume repair. Thanks again.

 

[RiftbornVeil]

Thank you so much I really appreciate your kind words. It feels really good to be understood fr. So used to being denigrated irl. I'll definitely try my hardest to keep a good frame of mind. One perk of suffering significantly from a young age is that the further you get in life typically translates to some pretty significant resilience. The toughest part can determining if the mind is about to break or is just due for repair hah. For now I'll assume repair. Thanks again.

Ah, fair enough, I never thought about resilience that way.

And I am glad you've assumed repair for the time being

Everyone I've met and interacted with here is so kind and understanding; we're all struggling in some way or another, and to me it's disgusting to berate someone for an aspect of their life that is out of control.

Sending you my best wishes.

 

[GyreOfAsh]

Ah, fair enough, I never thought about resilience that way.

And I am glad you've assumed repair for the time being

Everyone I've met and interacted with here is so kind and understanding; we're all struggling in some way or another, and to me it's disgusting to berate someone for an aspect of their life that is out of control.

Sending you my best wishes.

Yeah everyone here is really kind & understanding. And yeah the berating was really hard for me to understand in the past since I've always been a peaceful & understanding person. It's why betreyal hits me so hard. I just can't imagine being in certain ways & I forget the brutal lengths that people are willing to go.

And for the resilience part, it's such an odd thing too that most of us feel far before we usually accurately conceptualize it due to how steady we're accommodating to the higher demands. I might be simplifying it too much but I like to view it like we feel overwhelmed because we're running on old hardware (evolution) & also varyingly damaged hardware & shotty software (harsh life experiences, physical states, etc). So there's a heavy reliance on the software & environmental elements (mind, consciousness, living situation, etc) to create that resilience buffer zone. And right now I'm being tested by life & so many on this site are also being tested in ways that are making that already small buffer zone even smaller but not necessary completely gone. Again oversimplification but I like this view hah.

Right now I feel like an old pc that can't handle the heat & needs a cool isolated room to thrive in. I feel fine at the exact moment because I'm in the cool room but there's a volitile potential just waiting to expand when exposed to the heat again & aggravate the entire system. The longer the exposure, the sooner the crash & potential brick. I'm here to plan for a more peaceful final crash. But for the time being, I'm staying in the cool room lolol. Not ready to fully crash out just yet.

Thanks again

 

[dontwakemeup]

Chronic pain sufferer here, so I definitely understand how you feel. I may not understand your level of pain, but I understand how chronic pain suffers are frowned upon, misunderstood, labeled as drug seekers, ignored, and basically treated like crap by society, including medical professionals!

I never truly understood chronic pain until I began to suffer from it. Yes, I learned the basics in school but it's just something no book can teach you. I think people who have any chronic pain related illness should have the right to euthanasia!

I looked up those euthanasia sites and it seems impossible to even get euthanized.

I hate when you tell people you're in pain today, like you stated, they can't imagine. If you say, "I have a headache," they will treat you nice and better. If you complain about the same type of pain, it's like people get desensitized!

I'm sorry you have to suffer. Are there any things you enjoy doing?

 

[RiftbornVeil]

Yeah everyone here is really kind & understanding. And yeah the berating was really hard for me to understand in the past since I've always been a peaceful & understanding person. It's why betreyal hits me so hard. I just can't imagine being in certain ways & I forget the brutal lengths that people are willing to go.

And for the resilience part, it's such an odd thing too that most of us feel far before we usually accurately conceptualize it due to how steady we're accommodating to the higher demands. I might be simplifying it too much but I like to view it like we feel overwhelmed because we're running on old hardware (evolution) & also varyingly damaged hardware & shotty software (harsh life experiences, physical states, etc). So there's a heavy reliance on the software & environmental elements (mind, consciousness, living situation, etc) to create that resilience buffer zone. And right now I'm being tested by life & so many on this site are also being tested in ways that are making that already small buffer zone even smaller but not necessary completely gone. Again oversimplification but I like this view hah.

Right now I feel like an old pc that can't handle the heat & needs a cool isolated room to thrive in. I feel fine at the exact moment because I'm in the cool room but there's a volitile potential just waiting to expand when exposed to the heat again & aggravate the entire system. The longer the exposure, the sooner the crash & potential brick. I'm here to plan for a more peaceful final crash. But for the time being, I'm staying in the cool room lolol. Not ready to fully crash out just yet.

Thanks again

That's such an on-point metaphor.

And a great explanation!