Venting I can't find anything

[quietwater]

Sometimes I ask myself if anything really matters.
I'll always have to wake up and do meaningless things, hoping that someway my life will go better than all the others lives I see around me.
I know that my actions can influence other things, my surroundings, but I can't control everything.
I can't really control anything, aside from myself.
And I actually can hardly control what I call "me", so even this is meaningless.
I know I have an impact someway, everything does, and of course I can choose what to do, but I don't have any security.
I will never know if what I'm doing is right, I will never know if I'll feel better or if it's going to be all right, as some people say.
And that's okay.
I don't want control on everything, I don't want to schedule my life and know what will happen to me every moment. That would mean living trapped in a box.
But what should I do, then?
This world itself is a box.
I have to live waking up, working, going to lessons, for what? To live a miserable life surrounded by fakeness? The only purpose of this society is to survive.
And I don't want to survive, I want to live.
I want to live as myself, not as an actor faking every smile and word.
Still, I know it's not possible.
Nothing is gonna change.
It's all and idealistic utopia, and it's all I have.
If I don't hold on to this, I won't hold on at all, and I have to have something aside from "whys" and "maybes", anything.

I like to think, my thoughts are the only thing I can call mine.
As my emotions and feelings aren't, my body isn't and neither my words or actions.
But I'd gladly give them up if I could have the illusion of living and not surviving everyday.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I view this thing called life as pointless and meaningless.
It is also incredibly tedious and boring, and this is why the entertainment industry is so popular, because people need to distract themselves from the mind - numbing reality of life.
I also think the vast majority of people are merely existing as opposed to actually living, and many are barely surviving.
Nothing in this world really changes. It will always be a place of suffering and pointless repetition.
I definitely understand your feelings about the body : the body does what it wants and has a mind of its own which makes me think of it as a flesh - prison for the mind.

 

[quietwater]

I view this thing called life as pointless and meaningless.
It is also incredibly tedious and boring, and this is why the entertainment industry is so popular, because people need to distract themselves from the mind - numbing reality of life.
I also think the vast majority of people are merely existing as opposed to actually living, and many are barely surviving.
Nothing in this world really changes. It will always be a place of suffering and pointless repetition.
I definitely understand your feelings about the body : the body does what it wants and has a mind of its own which makes me think of it as a flesh - prison for the mind.

Thank you for replying to my vent, I quite understand what you're saying here. Of course people always see thing slightly differently, but the feelings you put in words with this comment are really close to me too.
The body topic is another one dear to me, I feel like it isn't mine, and I'd really like to say that it doesn't matter. I'd like to think that my body is just a vessel, but even if I don't perceive it as mine it still is. Sometimes I fantasize about not having one, and just being an essence, just being my mind, but it's not possible and I know it.
Thank you again for replying here, I appreciate it very much <3

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Thank you for replying to my vent, I quite understand what you're saying here. Of course people always see thing slightly differently, but the feelings you put in words with this comment are really close to me too.
The body topic is another one dear to me, I feel like it isn't mine, and I'd really like to say that it doesn't matter. I'd like to think that my body is just a vessel, but even if I don't perceive it as mine it still is. Sometimes I fantasize about not having one, and just being an essence, just being my mind, but it's not possible and I know it.
Thank you again for replying here, I appreciate it very much <3

You are more than welcome.