U
Unending
Enlightened
- Nov 5, 2022
- 1,517
Why is it that even after seeing how horrible my suffering has been for years despite trying essentially every treatment available, one of my parents is still going to have a kid with their spouse who doesn't even want me around? Why am I, according to everyone human I encounter out in this horrible world, obligated to not ctb? Why does everybody swear that it would be a mistake and that it would be selfish? One thing is for sure, if any of the people who added to my suffering with these sentiments could feel my pain, they would beg on their knees for forgiveness for just how gaslit and alone they've made me feel.
Each year has been spent trying more and more to avoid those around me because despite all the effort that has been wasted on every type of treatment available, I have only gotten worse. Furthermore, the feeling that I am utterly alone has multiplied with each additional person I am around. Isolation has been my only pseudo-salvation. Of course, if it was true salvation, there would be no need for me to be on ss in the first place. Truth be told, I want to live but am not quite sure I will even have the option if my circumstances change which they are guaranteed to. I am SO dependent on others to stay alive but at the same time, those others are dependent on me staying alive to avoid having an encounter with grief and mourning. This life is literally a never ending nightmare and I am perplexed at the notion that I am supposed to just not ctb despite the fact that I have tried every treatment. I'm aware that I am restating myself but seriously, I can NOT fathom why someone would bring another kid into this world while their other kid is over here agonizing for years.
Thanks for reading my dissociated and disorganized rant.
Each year has been spent trying more and more to avoid those around me because despite all the effort that has been wasted on every type of treatment available, I have only gotten worse. Furthermore, the feeling that I am utterly alone has multiplied with each additional person I am around. Isolation has been my only pseudo-salvation. Of course, if it was true salvation, there would be no need for me to be on ss in the first place. Truth be told, I want to live but am not quite sure I will even have the option if my circumstances change which they are guaranteed to. I am SO dependent on others to stay alive but at the same time, those others are dependent on me staying alive to avoid having an encounter with grief and mourning. This life is literally a never ending nightmare and I am perplexed at the notion that I am supposed to just not ctb despite the fact that I have tried every treatment. I'm aware that I am restating myself but seriously, I can NOT fathom why someone would bring another kid into this world while their other kid is over here agonizing for years.
Thanks for reading my dissociated and disorganized rant.
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