Venting I can’t fathom hurting my family

[ThatStateOfMind]

I genuinely don't know if I could bring myself to CTB because of my family. My mom, especially. She miscarried 2-4 kids before having me (can't recall the exact number, she doesn't talk about it often for obvious reasons), and I was a challenge since I was extremely premature. I even technically died as a baby, but only for short periods.

There's other people in my life that this would crush too, but I always think first and foremost about my mom. I'm sure a lot of people here can relate, judging from the responses on threads about why people stick around. Mine is a multitude of things and my mom is a large part in that.

My cat too, she misses me when I'm gone, I can't imagine how she'd cope if I was gone permanently. I went on a trip a while back and she apparently searched my room daily for me, and when she couldn't find me, would sleep in the room for a bit and that just crushed me dude. It made me realize that if I ever did CTB, I would definitely hurt my cat too.

Finally, there's also friends, even online friends who I think would definitely miss my presence as well, though one knows about what I deal with and I think would understand, not that it would be much easier. A girl I'm also talking to would definitely be crushed. My friend I talk to somewhat frequently (couple times a week) and occasionally see in person would also be affected.

A lot of my stress is temporary I think, resulting from college and the uncertainty of early 20s. I'd rather work a low wage shitty job even with my CS degree that I'm pursuing before killing myself and hurting my family like that. And who knows, that may be what transpires, I have no clue what the future holds tbh, but I just needed to vent. I don't know if I'll ever CTB due to these reasons.

 

[Darkover]

Everything that's wrong in your life is the fault of your parents. Whatever your struggles, your mistakes and your pain, you are not to blame. You are an innocent victim of those who raised you.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Everything that's wrong in your life is the fault of your parents. Whatever your struggles, your mistakes and your pain, you are not to blame. You are an innocent victim of those who raised you.

That take also feels overly simplistic and can lead to a sort of victim mentality. I'd rather accept some of my choices that have affected me negatively as such, so I can personally grow from them.

So for that reason, I honestly disagree with this take. Sure, I didn't ask to be born but I don't if I'd exactly say I wish I were never born. We live for fleeting moments of happiness, and without those, I don't think anyone would willingly choose to live. I understand though, that you are likely anti-natalist while I'm not and it's a simple difference of opinion and outlook.

 

[ham and potatoes]

im in the same boat. id have ended it by now if it wasnt for me not wanting me to cause my family pain.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

im in the same boat. id have ended it by now if it wasnt for me not wanting me to cause my family pain.

I definitely understand this feeling. Know you aren't alone and I believe there's others on here that feel the same

 

[rollingthunder]

Me too, I would have ended it long ago if it were not for the knowledge of the pain I'll bring my friends and family. Even now, I'm ready to go, but the one thing holding me back is the guilt for the suffering I'll bring on my loved ones. It hurts so much because I really am done with this life, but I force myself to keep living for their sake. Then I get resentful, then I feel guilty again...

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Me too, I would have ended it long ago if it were not for the knowledge of the pain I'll bring my friends and family. Even now, I'm ready to go, but the one thing holding me back is the guilt for the suffering I'll bring on my loved ones. It hurts so much because I really am done with this life, but I force myself to keep living for their sake. Then I get resentful, then I feel guilty again...

I understand. It's certainly a vicious cycle to go through. I also want to give other things a try before I go. It's not the option of death is going anywhere

 

[brokeandbroken]

I genuinely don't know if I could bring myself to CTB because of my family. My mom, especially. She miscarried 2-4 kids before having me (can't recall the exact number, she doesn't talk about it often for obvious reasons), and I was a challenge since I was extremely premature. I even technically died as a baby, but only for short periods.

There's other people in my life that this would crush too, but I always think first and foremost about my mom. I'm sure a lot of people here can relate, judging from the responses on threads about why people stick around. Mine is a multitude of things and my mom is a large part in that.

My cat too, she misses me when I'm gone, I can't imagine how she'd cope if I was gone permanently. I went on a trip a while back and she apparently searched my room daily for me, and when she couldn't find me, would sleep in the room for a bit and that just crushed me dude. It made me realize that if I ever did CTB, I would definitely hurt my cat too.

Finally, there's also friends, even online friends who I think would definitely miss my presence as well, though one knows about what I deal with and I think would understand, not that it would be much easier. A girl I'm also talking to would definitely be crushed. My friend I talk to somewhat frequently (couple times a week) and occasionally see in person would also be affected.

A lot of my stress is temporary I think, resulting from college and the uncertainty of early 20s. I'd rather work a low wage shitty job even with my CS degree that I'm pursuing before killing myself and hurting my family like that. And who knows, that may be what transpires, I have no clue what the future holds tbh, but I just needed to vent. I don't know if I'll ever CTB due to these reasons.

I wish I could help but there's no one in my life at all. Not a single soul cares about me. It's just a fact. So I can't put myself in your shoes. I feel like if I had anyone I probably wouldn't. Like I've said I've been looking for reasons to stay alive and somehow I constantly wake-up with less.

 

[Malan2003]

Everything that's wrong in your life is the fault of your parents. Whatever your struggles, your mistakes and your pain, you are not to blame. You are an innocent victim of those who raised you.

He's just saying how much he doesn't want to hurt his parents and loved ones. Don't force your opinion be specific about you. My parents control me but I still not killing my self I don't want them to get hurt.

 

[Wilsonie_22]

I feel the same. And when I fight with my mom is when I'm closest to suiciding. Sometimes the pain gets so bad that for a few moments death is worth even the pain I will cause her, but even after putting the bag over my head and hearing the gas hiss at my ear, I picture her finding my corpse and I just can't do it. I hate being stuck in this middle ground.

People who have nobody should be grateful that they can die without affecting any loved ones.

 

[Malan2003]

I genuinely don't know if I could bring myself to CTB because of my family. My mom, especially. She miscarried 2-4 kids before having me (can't recall the exact number, she doesn't talk about it often for obvious reasons), and I was a challenge since I was extremely premature. I even technically died as a baby, but only for short periods.

There's other people in my life that this would crush too, but I always think first and foremost about my mom. I'm sure a lot of people here can relate, judging from the responses on threads about why people stick around. Mine is a multitude of things and my mom is a large part in that.

My cat too, she misses me when I'm gone, I can't imagine how she'd cope if I was gone permanently. I went on a trip a while back and she apparently searched my room daily for me, and when she couldn't find me, would sleep in the room for a bit and that just crushed me dude. It made me realize that if I ever did CTB, I would definitely hurt my cat too.

Finally, there's also friends, even online friends who I think would definitely miss my presence as well, though one knows about what I deal with and I think would understand, not that it would be much easier. A girl I'm also talking to would definitely be crushed. My friend I talk to somewhat frequently (couple times a week) and occasionally see in person would also be affected.

A lot of my stress is temporary I think, resulting from college and the uncertainty of early 20s. I'd rather work a low wage shitty job even with my CS degree that I'm pursuing before killing myself and hurting my family like that. And who knows, that may be what transpires, I have no clue what the future holds tbh, but I just needed to vent. I don't know if I'll ever CTB due to these reasons.

Me too. My parents are controlling but when I think about it, because they care. I never told them about my suicidal thoughts. I'm not planning on killing my self at least not now. I'm only 19 and My mom wants me to get engaged to some girl she knows but I'm not ready for this type of relationship. I panicked when she told me but I'm more calm now. I don't think anyone can force me. I'm going to make it through this identity confusion and hopefully enjoy life. I wish you the same!

 

[amaluuk]

He's just saying how much he doesn't want to hurt his parents and loved ones. Don't force your opinion be specific about you. My parents control me but I still not killing my self I don't want them to get hurt.

Ultimately the choice to have a kid is the choice to create a being with autonomy and if you accept that somebody has a right to die then the pain your parents will experience is just something they should have accepted when signing a kid, and they have to deal with it. If a pro-lifer can say 'well you're here, so you gotta deal with it' then it's a two way street and our loved ones will just have to deal with the pain and consider it a fact of life. I don't have the energy to assuage every single one of my parents delusions, so ultimately I just have to work around them.

You're welcome to be obligated to the pain of your loved ones just as much as one is welcome to form a codependent relationship that hurts them in the long one, just as much as the right to death can co-exist with the right to do stupid/self-injurious things, but don't say others are forcing their opinions to be specific about them, or something weird like that.