i can't even kill myself right

[sadgirl9999]

i've had this account for over 2 years. *two years*. and have wanted to die since before that. i tried hanging myself a couple years ago and failed (didn't use a good rope though). that's still my method of choice because i've done way more research on it. but because of COVID my parents work from home and never fucking leave - literally once a month, they'll leave the house together. and every time i get the tiny opportunity, i get too nervous because of brain damage. because of stupid brain damage. oh, and i even made an excuse and rented a hotel room for two nights and still couldn't do it. i got drunk, was by myself, had the noose tied, and all i could think about was failing & becoming a vegetable. i do not want to do this anymore, i haven't wanted to for years. i'm covered in self harm scars but lately i can't even do that because my OCD says i'll get sepsis (again, don't care about dying but i care about brain damage). also, last summer i believe i hit a nerve because my whole lower arm went numb after and still feels that way sometimes (have a large hypertrophic scar where it is). i'm so pathetic that i cant even hurt myself anymore, i'm scared of everything. starting to think jumping is a viable option because at least after i jump, none of it is in my control. if that fails, it's just shit luck, and i won't blame it on myself at least

 

[Cashewmilk]

Yep, I can relate totally. I'm such a huge loser and failure that I can't even kill myself too. I'm so fucking pathetic. I'm also terrified of brain damage and car accidents and anything that will leave me worse off than I am now. I have SN but no antiemetic but I have severe gastro problems so it would be brutal for me. I'm seriously considering jumping too. I think that's the only option I have tbh, I've been researching and trying methods for 15 years. I tried hanging so many times that I had a noose hanging from my shower door for almost a year.

 

[Moegetaku]

Seriously. Isn't there any drug or easily available natural product to do it in one go? I want to just end it all as well... But I am terrified by that very thing that if I survive and become comatose, it'll be much more worse. Unluckily owning guns here isn't allowed. Otherwise I would have just shot myself and be done away with it. Quick and easy. If you are American, why don't you try that?

 

[WornOutLife]

Me neither, dear. That's why I'm still in this world. Been suicidal since I was 12.

I think our time will come sooner or later, we're just not "there" yet.

Hope you can feel better someone and can find peace soon.

Hugs!

 

[sadgirl9999]

Seriously. Isn't there any drug or easily available natural product to do it in one go? I want to just end it all as well... But I am terrified by that very thing that if I survive and become comatose, it'll be much more worse. Unluckily owning guns here isn't allowed. Otherwise I would have just shot myself and be done away with it. Quick and easy. If you are American, why don't you try that?

a gun is scarier than it seems, i looked up failed gun suicides and scared myself from it. i'm currently a 105 lb girl that's never shot a gun, the recoil and possibility of flinching could definitely make me end up severely disfigured i know an unsuccessful hanging has awful consequences too, like being a vegetable yes...but i'm just more comfy with it, i think i can do it right this time

Me neither, dear. That's why I'm still in this world. Been suicidal since I was 12.

I think our time will come sooner or later, we're just not "there" yet.

Hope you can feel better someone and can find peace soon.

Hugs!

thank you so much same for you

 

[DarkWolf]

You're not alone I can't get it right either I tried twice in the last 2 weeks and I feel to defeated to try again. I'm terrified of failing. I've wanted to die for 12 years which is half my current life.
I'm sorry it's like this for you I know how awful it is.

 

[Bat 17]

Sorry you are going through this. Don't be hard on yourself. CTB is a massive decision and all sorts of things can go wrong in the setup and attempt. I know from experience.

It's not a race.

One good thing is that you are part of this community, we look out for each other!

 

[Echo81]

Hope you can find some peace and solace:) it is hard. Very sorry you are having a struggle with everything.
Life can be so messed up.

In the same boat. Blew $1300 on hotels rooms the last week and am now at home pacing back and forth all day with very high anxiety and rapid heart rate.
Feel paralyzed- ignored some time sensitive issues due to complete belief that I actually had some guts to ctb and now that trouble is catching up with me.
Disappointment- psyching myself up had the wrong effect.
Self hatred- having a drink to calm down and convince myself no tomorrow I'll do it for sure but I never do.
Confused- why can't I do this when I need it so badly. My level of fear about even being alive is driving me up the wall right now.

 

[voyager]

I'm terrified of failing, too. It's my worst fear. Landing in a ward, having it on record for all the world to see, being treated like a lunatic henceforth, and of course ending up a vegetable unable to try again. Having said that, a few weeks ago even the latter didn't scare me anymore. Thought, all I want to do is lie around in bed anyway, might as well go for it even if it paralyses me. At least then no one would hassle me with obligations anymore...

I don't really mean that. On the contrary, this recklessness caused by desperation and apathy scares me. That's not really me. But then again, nothing is anymore. Skip appointments, don't meet my obligations, waste money without bother. My facade is crumbling. Just don't care anymore about adhering to society's standards. But have to actually follow up suit or risk getting into more trouble.