I want to live so badly. I'm trying so hard to appreciate life and be grateful and bask in its beauty. And yet, every single day, I have voices in my head telling me that death is knocking on my door. I feel like I'm at war with myself every day and I'm so, so tired. If this is my one chance in life, I don't want to take it for granted at all. Still, as the days go on, I'm more and more convinced that CTB isn't an option anymore. I feel so crazy admitting this to even myself, and I just feel so trapped. I fucked up my friendship with my ex-best friend and I can't cope with it at all. I can't trust myself to love anyone properly. I don't think I can contribute anything good to the people around me anymore. Yesterday, I had the perfect day with my boyfriend, and I told him I loved him for the first time. As soon as the day ended, I seriously considered CTB that night because I don't trust myself to love that perfect boy the way he deserves. Part of me wishes he saw through me and left so this could be easier, but I promised myself I would try one last time to love someone the right way. I only stay for him. I feel like that is the only way to make sense of what happened between my ex-best friend and I, but life without him has still been a nightmare I can't escape. I put on an act for the people around me, but I hate myself down to my very core. I just want to waste away. It's been so lonely and I'm exhausted.
