Help I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't work, and I'm not allowed to die

[TiredNorthStar]

I just can't catch a time to rest, even when I'm in bed 22 hours a day.

Everything I try to eat tastes empty, I feel sick if I eat more than a few bites anyway. I feel dizzy and nauseated when I don't eat, and even worse when I do, I can't fucking stand this much longer. I'm too weak to hold a job, my ribs are visible clearly through my skin, but I can't eat anything, I can only lay in bed all day every day. My sleep schedule is worse, It's quarter after four as I'm writing, and I actually felt tired "early" for once. But I still can't fucking sleep. I took my sleeping meds an hour ago and I gave up lying in the dark. Last night it was almost 9am before I got maybe four hours of sleep at most, that's what's more normal for me.

I wanna die so bad it hurts. It feels like a knife stabs me through the chest, I can't cry anymore, cause everything feels so dull and empty. I try to indulge myself through alcohol and sex, but there's no line between feeling a little tipsy and throwing up the next morning. What I get for drinking on an empty stomach. Getting with people doesn't even feel good I just do it and I don't know why. It just hurts, I feel disgusting, my whole body hurts, and I just feel like shit. Maybe it's the only thing people tend to appreciate me for I guess. It still hurts. So goddamn much I just want it to be over with.

I'm not allowed to die though, because people "care" of course. It's not that I don't believe them, what hurts is I know they do. My stupid, piece of shit morality keeps myself alive, forces me to just keep slogging along, as my body slowly tortures me. It would hurt my friends too much. I don't want to cause a domino effect, one of my friends had somebody she knew kill himself, and I saw it destroy her. He was a coworker, nobody close. I don't wanna make it worse, but I know I will. I hate this, I feel like I died months ago, and I'm waiting for my body to catch up, but it's taking it's sweet time. I don't wanna hurt anyone, I don't wanna live, it all hurts too much

 

[MarkSmith73]

I just can't catch a time to rest, even when I'm in bed 22 hours a day.

Everything I try to eat tastes empty, I feel sick if I eat more than a few bites anyway. I feel dizzy and nauseated when I don't eat, and even worse when I do, I can't fucking stand this much longer. I'm too weak to hold a job, my ribs are visible clearly through my skin, but I can't eat anything, I can only lay in bed all day every day. My sleep schedule is worse, It's quarter after four as I'm writing, and I actually felt tired "early" for once. But I still can't fucking sleep. I took my sleeping meds an hour ago and I gave up lying in the dark. Last night it was almost 9am before I got maybe four hours of sleep at most, that's what's more normal for me.

I wanna die so bad it hurts. It feels like a knife stabs me through the chest, I can't cry anymore, cause everything feels so dull and empty. I try to indulge myself through alcohol and sex, but there's no line between feeling a little tipsy and throwing up the next morning. What I get for drinking on an empty stomach. Getting with people doesn't even feel good I just do it and I don't know why. It just hurts, I feel disgusting, my whole body hurts, and I just feel like shit. Maybe it's the only thing people tend to appreciate me for I guess. It still hurts. So goddamn much I just want it to be over with.

I'm not allowed to die though, because people "care" of course. It's not that I don't believe them, what hurts is I know they do. My stupid, piece of shit morality keeps myself alive, forces me to just keep slogging along, as my body slowly tortures me. It would hurt my friends too much. I don't want to cause a domino effect, one of my friends had somebody she knew kill himself, and I saw it destroy her. He was a coworker, nobody close. I don't wanna make it worse, but I know I will. I hate this, I feel like I died months ago, and I'm waiting for my body to catch up, but it's taking it's sweet time. I don't wanna hurt anyone, I don't wanna live, it all hurts too much

I feel your pain. I feel like I was supposed to leave this world in 2021, I was that sick. And I know what you mean about being in bed a ton of hours and not feeling rested. But I'm a huge eater and that gives me comfort. And 30 mg Temazepam and 200 mg Seroquel helps me through the night and 3000 mg Gabapentin and my fifth of borboun a day helps me through the day. I'm 6'2 and 250 so takes a lot to phase me. I currently have a stable job but who knows what the future holds. And for me, everything is 10 times easier with meds and alcohol. But I'm completely broke and in a fair amount of pain due to dental issues. Things might not get better here but they eventually will. One day you'll wake up in a beautiful place and you won't have to come back here again.

 

[LaughingGoat]

Is it strictly friends you're staying alive for or it's family as well? If it's friends, have you considered letting those relationships lapse to the point where you don't think it would be as damaging long term? Unfortunately it sounds like your not in the condition to be able to move regions, since that's probably the quickest way of getting past friendships and possibly saving them from learning of your death.