Venting I can't do this anymore

[a_pine_tree]

I can't do this anymore. I don't know how I am still alive. I've been wanting to die since I was 8. I wish I could find a way to survive and be happy, but every time I get happiness it's taken from me the moment I get my guards down. I should've died long ago, before anyone put trust and importance in my existence. Now it's too late and I'm gonna make some people sad with my death. But I can't take this anymore. I'm tired of crying. Tired of loneliness. Tired of pain. Tired of breathing. Tired of autism. Tired of DID. Tired of humans. Tired of myself. I'm tired of living. I literally spend all day lying in bed, looking at an empty screen, usually the youyube home page. Waiting for something to happen. For hours.
I did so much, gave so much to get where I am today. I did everything I could to become the best version of myself possible. Why hasn't it changed anything? I did what I was supposed to.
And I feel guilty for everything, like everything is my fault. And I'm so stupid for falling in love. And I can't function by myself or do anything. If I stay alive, I'll need constant help, care and support for the rest of my life. Every time I go out I need days of sleeping and do literally nothing to recover and get some energy back. I can't live like this. This isn't living, it's barely surviving. And I don't want that.
I think I'm gonna go with the night night method, I'll try to make it work with a military belt, they're easily adjustable and work kind of like a slip knot.
I'm thinking about my last meal, the songs I'll listen to while dying. I know I'll do it in my bed.
I'm sad that I'll have to leave my plushies behind.
And I just hope people will at least respect my gender in my death, since they don't in my living days.
I hope they'll bury me with my favorite plushies, the one I sleep with at night. And that they'll put my favorite clothes on me, and my binder. And that my hair will stay pink forever.
I want to say sorry to every single human on earth.
I want to leave for good.

 

[nozomu]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, I related to your words in a lot of ways. I too am really worn down by my struggles.

I hope you can find the help you need and the peace you want in life. I think the method you mentioned is a bit harsh and brutal. You deserve peace, not brutality and further pain inflicted upon yourself

 

[jodes2]

Well done for trying it's all we can do really, is try our best

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, it's undeniably such a cruel world that we exist in and it's understandable wishing to finally be free from it all. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.