I can't do it

[OnMyLast Legs]

Post in thread 'i wish i had the guts to commit suicide. does anyone else?' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...-suicide-does-anyone-else.232985/post-3373652

There's a long road ahead of me. But I reached a breaking point this morning. The fact is that I can't kill myself and continuing to ruminate about it only causes more pain. I have to point my mind in the direction of less pain. The more I try to summon the courage for suicide, the weaker I get. I have no choice but to try to live well. Starting where I am, which is bad, but not awful. It's not like I'm an indebted farmer in the developing world. I am in comfortable suburban surroundings with people who see good in me. I'm not terribly old. There must be a way forward. Because the OTHER way, the DEAD way, is blocked to me.

 

[MapleS]

I get thia, good luck

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm glad you give recovery a chance. Good luck!

 

[capi]

I hope you can find ways to recover
Rumination of suicide is highly traumatizing.
I relate to everything you have said. Life is really "get over it, or die" and sometimes our pain and search for a one single truth can blind us. Nothing to be ashamed of when you felt so tired and exhausted.

When I tried to recover, here is what helped me, and it may help you, because I relate to you in so many ways.
It focuses on self-acceptance and growth, rather than basic positivity talk:
Stoicism: Letters from a Stoic
Four Noble Truths from Buddhism (im not trying to push religion, you dont have to read into the reincarnation stuff, it just provides a good spiritual framework) and from that, the path.
Logotherapy: "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankly
Absurdism: The Myth of Sisyphus (though i have my trites with it lol)
For trauma and scientific based work, internal family systems work a lot as well.

and to be sweet, i also highly recommend watching bojack horseman as it displays so many life lessons well, especially for people with a lot of regret and living a constant inner battle.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Well shit. My epiphany didn't make me feel much better. Anxiety is still high. Don't know what to do with my time.

 

[violetforever]

thats great i hope u find ur way.

 

[RiftbornVeil]

It takes such immense courage to make a choice. And although this one may feel overwhelming and painful, I truly hope you come to find peace through it. Have faith in yourself, and best of luck <3

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

Hang in there...... We all support you no matter what

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I am in such a crazy amount of pain but maybe the morning will be better. I'm gonna have clean sheets for the first time in months. That's a W.