I NEVER feel like doing shit. Ever. I can only be motivated when there is a sense of urgency, when I'm forced to act like having work the next day. If I never had to work I'd probably just smoke weed all day and feel empty. Everything is boring when you do it alone and I am incapable of making any friends.
I can't do anything that requires sustained effort. Even cooking each meal is a task. I used to play violin only because my mother forced me to but she gave up trying to make me when I was 11. Wish I had that skill now. I ride a trick bike but never have the motivation to ride it and when I do I barely try any tricks so I never learn anything new. It's boring as hell riding alone too especially in my boring area (old people part of Florida). After moving back home from college I realized I only liked riding it to show off.
The job I had before covid is a job I picked just because it can lead to good pay without college required (because college requires sustained effort and social skills). Once I start working again I wonder how long I'll last before the little amount of fucks I give isn't enough for my employer anymore. There's no place for people like me in this world. Only at minimum wage jobs and it's clear how poor people are treated in this country. I've had a piano just sitting in my house for years and I've never touched it. Recently I've thought of trying to learn to play but I reckon it'll turn out like everything else. I'll try for a few minutes and then lose interest. I worked out for a month when working then quit when I got laid off. The only exercise I can bring myself to do is walking because it's easy and I can just zone out and listen to music. These days I've just been mindlessly watching youtube videos and playing videogames I don't even enjoy just to occupy my brain. When my brain is at rest I just think of depressing shit that happened in the past.
The other day I fantasized about taking antidepressants and them transforming me into the zombie-like state that many people who have taken them report which in my fantasy version of the drug allows me to study and actually focus on work and build a career and do all the things I never fucking feel like doing but should. It's fucking sad that I'd take experiencing no emotion or anything just for the ability to be able to function and propagate my existence. I've tried shrooms and dmt a number of times but they never did anything for me. Might try microdosing but don't have any hopes for it.
I can't do anything that requires sustained effort. Even cooking each meal is a task. I used to play violin only because my mother forced me to but she gave up trying to make me when I was 11. Wish I had that skill now. I ride a trick bike but never have the motivation to ride it and when I do I barely try any tricks so I never learn anything new. It's boring as hell riding alone too especially in my boring area (old people part of Florida). After moving back home from college I realized I only liked riding it to show off.
The job I had before covid is a job I picked just because it can lead to good pay without college required (because college requires sustained effort and social skills). Once I start working again I wonder how long I'll last before the little amount of fucks I give isn't enough for my employer anymore. There's no place for people like me in this world. Only at minimum wage jobs and it's clear how poor people are treated in this country. I've had a piano just sitting in my house for years and I've never touched it. Recently I've thought of trying to learn to play but I reckon it'll turn out like everything else. I'll try for a few minutes and then lose interest. I worked out for a month when working then quit when I got laid off. The only exercise I can bring myself to do is walking because it's easy and I can just zone out and listen to music. These days I've just been mindlessly watching youtube videos and playing videogames I don't even enjoy just to occupy my brain. When my brain is at rest I just think of depressing shit that happened in the past.
The other day I fantasized about taking antidepressants and them transforming me into the zombie-like state that many people who have taken them report which in my fantasy version of the drug allows me to study and actually focus on work and build a career and do all the things I never fucking feel like doing but should. It's fucking sad that I'd take experiencing no emotion or anything just for the ability to be able to function and propagate my existence. I've tried shrooms and dmt a number of times but they never did anything for me. Might try microdosing but don't have any hopes for it.
