i cant die even when i really want to

[UniqueWorm]

Ive struggled with suicidalality since i was 8, i never thought id make it past 13, let alone highschool. im really struggling rn with cptsd from sexual abuse when I was a kid and with worsening symptoms of other mental health issues. i go from truly wanting to die and i almost do it, then i black out and don't do it, to the next day planning my future after graduation. ive had serious attempts before, but the same feeling that makes me get kicked out of control of my body (if that makes sense) that keeps me from ruining my life also keeps me from killing myself. Ive been long suffering but i can never actually do it. even if i set my mind on it & didn't blackout, i don't have any good methods. i can do any sort of hanging (nothing that can hold me were i wont be found for 30 minutes), i don't have access to ordering stuff, 2 of my percripeption meds cant be collected for long enough with me having a moment of weirdness and throwing them out, and the one that can be saved up quick enough (propranolol) is the only thing that helps with the panic attacks that come with flashbacks so i can't because if i survive I'll be taken off it and feel worse. I dont know why i cant let myself die. i don't want to live like this. ive been in & out of psych wards for years, ive developed worse mental health, and my

 

[jepe24]

My heart is with you and your mnot alone

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering. But anyway I wish you all the best, I imagine it must be really tiring what you go through.

 

[complex]

U must be exhausted from this. Our bodies and minds do have a safety switch that stops us in the moment just like antibodies start fighting if foreign item sensed, just like we throw up if the stomach feels something dangerous in it. Its not you I promise its inbuilt in all humans xxxxxx i too have had my fight with this. Do not judge yourself for this its not truly u xx
What are u studying?? U mentioned graduation. All the best with studies

 

[UniqueWorm]

U must be exhausted from this. Our bodies and minds do have a safety switch that stops us in the moment just like antibodies start fighting if foreign item sensed, just like we throw up if the stomach feels something dangerous in it. Its not you I promise its inbuilt in all humans xxxxxx i too have had my fight with this. Do not judge yourself for this its not truly u xx
What are u studying?? U mentioned graduation. All the best with studies

im not studying anything yet, im a senior in hs (turned 18 2nd day of school) and i might study to become an ecologist or a nurse

 

[Trav1989]

im not studying anything yet, im a senior in hs (turned 18 2nd day of school) and i might study to become an ecologist or a nurse

Damn, 18... I remember those those days. I wish I'd had CTB back then but I never had the nerve back then because I still had hope for the future. I'm sorry that life tore you down at such a young age and I wish you peace in what you decide and I'm here if you need an unbiased perspective.