Help I cant ctb for him but i cant live either

[please_kill_me]

Finally for the first time in my life I'm happy like actually happy like I wake up thinking that somebody that I love loves me back. Before that happened was raped by a friend...I mean used to be one, before that I was with a girl I had a crush on but after we fuck she left me and spread rumours about me for the whole school and before that I had a relationship, a toxic one for 3 years with someone that told me that was gonna comit suicide if I broke up with her.
The thing is I was really happy when me and my best friend told each others that we loved each other's. But lately I have been having to many panic attacks and crisis that long hours and hours. I've dysphoria attacks too. And I talked to my psychiatrist and he gave me a new medication that was fucking 300€ and it's just for a fucking moth. Also the secondary effects are too much to handle. I've been having insomnia but big ones. I have psychotic depression and that means that I have hallucinations and more, but that's my problem. If I can't sleep I have more and worse. And that would be easy in the past, if I had that I would just kill myself but now I love someone that treats me better that everyone and he is so cute and lovely. And I know that me dying will break him apart. For me I'm used to people I loved dying but for him its different so because of that I have been having more crisis cause I don't what to ctb but I hate being alive. So u want to self harm but I can't cause my mom will see and do a scene. Please idk what to do

 

[Life_and_Death]

have you talked to your psychiatrist about the medication?

 

[please_kill_me]

have you talked to your psychiatrist about the medication?

Yeah...but he said that I'm taking this ones for the firts time so it's normal on the beginning. I just need to be worry if this continues for 1 month or more

 

[Life_and_Death]

Yeah...but he said that I'm taking this ones for the firts time so it's normal on the beginning. I just need to be worry if this continues for 1 month or more

may i ask how long youve been on your medication?

 

[please_kill_me]

may i ask how long youve been on your medication?

2 years and a half

may i ask how long youve been on your medication?

Aaa wait are u asking this new one?

 

[Life_and_Death]

Aaa wait are u asking this new one?

the new one specifically yes

 

[please_kill_me]

the new one specifically yes

Almost 2 weeks an this almost to weeks I slept 7 hours and something

 

[Life_and_Death]

Almost 2 weeks an this almost to weeks I slept 7 hours and something

well i cant help with you other side effects very well but i can offer you someone to talk to if you ever want to pm me.
did you try melatonin for sleep?

 

[please_kill_me]

well i cant help with you other side effects very well but i can offer you someone to talk to if you ever want to pm me.
did you try melatonin for sleep?

Whats that?:0

 

[Life_and_Death]

Whats that?:0

the melatonin? its something thats already in your brain that tells you its time for bed. this is a supplement to make your brain sleepy. try starting out at .5mg and slowly going up .5mg until you find it helps you sleep. and dont worry its over the counter

 

[please_kill_me]

the melatonin? its something thats already in your brain that tells you its time for bed. this is a supplement to make your brain sleepy. try starting out at .5mg and slowly going up .5mg until you find it helps you sleep. and dont worry its over the counter

I can buy without prescription?

 

[Life_and_Death]

I can buy without prescription?

yes

 

[please_kill_me]

yes

Thanks I'll try

 

[Lithium]

What does CTB mean?

 

[please_kill_me]

What does CTB mean?

CTB means 'catch the bus', it's an euphemism for suicide basically.

 

[bluejane]

Im so sorry you're going through this. I can relate to you in some ways, the things making me hang onto this life are people that I dont want to hurt. I agree that you should try melatonin, its a natural hormone your body produces naturally. If you're a smoker or open to trying, its not a great habit to use everyday, but smoking indica-dominant weed and finding a strain thats right for you could be really helpful if you dont already. I smoke every night and it calms me down so nicely.

 

[please_kill_me]

Im so sorry you're going through this. I can relate to you in some ways, the things making me hang onto this life are people that I dont want to hurt. I agree that you should try melatonin, its a natural hormone your body produces naturally. If you're a smoker or open to trying, its not a great habit to use everyday, but smoking indica-dominant weed and finding a strain thats right for you could be really helpful if you dont already. I smoke every night and it calms me down so nicely.

I do smoke week and when I do I feel acutely comfortable and calm but I dont have money to some every single day. Thanks for the help!