Venting I can't breath anymore

[irregularheartbeat]

I feel suffocated by life. I'm having a very hard tine coping, everything is just so overwhelming. I can't shake the paranoia that I'm doing everything wrong, that everyone around myself hates me and is angry with me.
Pretending to be okay is getting harder, I'm trying to wait to CTB until January, because each of my family has atleast one birthday until then and I don't want to be selfish and make their birthdays or holidays suck. I've ruined everyones lives enough so far. But, it's getting hard to hold out already and it's only August.
I should of attempted in June, I made the choice to live and leave an abusive relationship instead of attempting to CTB and that's my biggest regret. Things are so much worse now. Between everything that's happened being home, and my ptsd from childhood and that relationship I can't function as a normal person. I have to call out of work so much because of all it this. Im panicking inside but I can't talk to anyone personally about it without raising suspicion and becoming hospitalized or etc.
My chest feels heavy and my heart is done. I can't even cry anymore. Nightmares are consuming me, and they don't stop when I wake up. Im so tired. Im way too fucking tired.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're suffering and I wish I could help you somehow. Can you at least talk to a doctor about some kind of meds to ease the worst bits?
Is your home situation ok? It sounds like it isn't, but would going somewhere less fraught be a possibility?
And is your job something you like, or another part of the dismal landscape you're in?

(((Hugs)))

 

[irregularheartbeat]

I'm sorry you're suffering and I wish I could help you somehow. Can you at least talk to a doctor about some kind of meds to ease the worst bits?
Is your home situation ok? It sounds like it isn't, but would going somewhere less fraught be a possibility?
And is your job something you like, or another part of the dismal landscape you're in?

(((Hugs)))

I'm hoping to start meds soon, I've been working with a psychologist on getting properly diagnosed for the first time, I go in for my results next Wednesday and she said we'll see where to go from there on medications and counceling.
Home isn't really okay at all. My family life is really depressing and stressful, my whole household is depressed and probably also on the verge of wanting to ctb. I've been living with my two good friends for about a month now since being there is overwhelming.
I don't hate my job, I work alongside my father and we get along really well. It's a restaurant job, and customer service is very draining. I work 12-14 hour days so I'm just very tired from it and dread going in because I know how exhausted I'll soon be having to deal with people.

 

[Soul]

Ohh that's good that you're going to try some meds - they can really help nudge us into a better frame of mind to deal with what life is hurling at us.

Is there maybe another role you could do at the restaurant for a while, one that isn't as heavy on the customer-service aspects? That is exhausting, as even customers can see. 8]

 

[GinaIsReady]

I can totally see how the customer service aspect of your job would drain you out and make you feel so low. It sounds like you have a good solid plan though! I feel optimistic for you - it sounds that good.

 

[irregularheartbeat]

Ohh that's good that you're going to try some meds - they can really help nudge us into a better frame of mind to deal with what life is hurling at us.

Is there maybe another role you could do at the restaurant for a while, one that isn't as heavy on the customer-service aspects? That is exhausting, as even customers can see. 8]

My role is already everything honestly, I'm a waitress one day out of the week, and all the other days I drive-thru, cook, prep, Im just kind of that inbetween employee that does anything that needs to be done. Im an over achiever otherwise I feel absolutely useless lol

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I feel suffocated by life. I'm having a very hard tine coping, everything is just so overwhelming. I can't shake the paranoia that I'm doing everything wrong, that everyone around myself hates me and is angry with me.
Pretending to be okay is getting harder, I'm trying to wait to CTB until January, because each of my family has atleast one birthday until then and I don't want to be selfish and make their birthdays or holidays suck. I've ruined everyones lives enough so far. But, it's getting hard to hold out already and it's only August.
I should of attempted in June, I made the choice to live and leave an abusive relationship instead of attempting to CTB and that's my biggest regret. Things are so much worse now. Between everything that's happened being home, and my ptsd from childhood and that relationship I can't function as a normal person. I have to call out of work so much because of all it this. Im panicking inside but I can't talk to anyone personally about it without raising suspicion and becoming hospitalized or etc.
My chest feels heavy and my heart is done. I can't even cry anymore. Nightmares are consuming me, and they don't stop when I wake up. Im so tired. Im way too fucking tired.

I sympathize with what you are going through. I feel trapped and don't know how I will make it through another day. I don't know how well pretending is working for me. No one says anything but I'm sure people think there is something wrong.
I don't want to mess up anyone's holiday's either but I can't go through another winter. I've been thinking this to myself for the last few years.
I'm glad you did get out of the abusive relationship even if you didn't CTB you are still better off than being stuck in that.

 

[irregularheartbeat]

I sympathize with what you are going through. I feel trapped and don't know how I will make it through another day. I don't know how well pretending is working for me. No one says anything but I'm sure people think there is something wrong.
I don't want to mess up anyone's holiday's either but I can't go through another winter. I've been thinking this to myself for the last few years.
I'm glad you did get out of the abusive relationship even if you didn't CTB you are still better off than being stuck in that.

Trying to make it through winter is going to be very hard, I wish you luck in making it to your chosen date if you have one, or through another year. Im trying to pretend as well, but my friends see through it. They know Im depreased but they don't know I've chosen to attemot to CTB in January.
Thank you, Im glad I made it out as well. The first month after leaving was great, just now I wish I hadn't bothered coming back even with how bad it was there.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Trying to make it through winter is going to be very hard, I wish you luck in making it to your chosen date if you have one, or through another year. Im trying to pretend as well, but my friends see through it. They know Im depreased but they don't know I've chosen to attemot to CTB in January.
Thank you, Im glad I made it out as well. The first month after leaving was great, just now I wish I hadn't bothered coming back even with how bad it was there.

I wish you the best. I hope you find peace. I hope I'm not here until January but I can't seem to find the courage to do it.