I can't bear it no longer and need to CTB asap.

[Qverty7455]

So I wanted to take a time with my decision and do it slowly during perfect opportunity. But I live with my mother and it's hard to do because she would be suspicious if I go somewhere because she knows I am depressed righ now and I have 3 suicide attempts in my past. But my life is falling to pieces...I feel like everything I do is failure and god is telling me to end it for good once and for all...Recently I lost my job, lost the only person that ever loved me and cared about me(my ex) and I can't get her out of my head and she doesn't care about me anymore...bought PC I was looking forward and it came today and it doesn't work and everything that is happening is just bs and nothing works :((( I am just sitting home whole day doing nothing because I hate myself and everything because I can't live anymore with this stupid illness that is ruining my life and every goal I set. No matter what I do I will be back feeling worthless and ugly it's just on my mind 24/7 and I want toget rid of that body. Today I had an argument with my mother and I guess it's time to collect stuff to CTB but I haven't decided yet between F and SN.
Is anyone experienced in drugs and F usage? I know there is this china white X stuff. I heard about it but it comes in idk what is the word "rocky" or crystal or w/e form? I don't know how to process that form. I need something I can snort but I can't find powder or do I just make powder from the rocky stuff by smashing it ? + how strong is this china white X stuff? I don't way to buy too much because I am scared of customs...but I guess 0,25g won't be enough for me? So i would need probably 1g of this stuff? I know you need 0,2mg pure fent to OD but that's nowhere pure so any tips appreciated...
or should I just go with the easy SN method? I mean order it and buy meto and pray to god I won't vomit.

 

[Mr M]

Recently I lost my job, lost the only person that ever loved me and cared about me(my ex) and I can't get her out of my head and she doesn't care about me anymore...bought PC I was looking forward and it came today and it doesn't work and everything that is happening is just bs and nothing works

From all the things you mentioned, which is the one that motivates you the most to ctb? which is the one thing that causes you more pain above else?

 

[Qverty7455]

From all the things you mentioned, which is the one that motivates you the most to ctb? which is the one thing that causes you more pain above else?

my body dysmorphic disorder which I've been dealing with for my whole life feeling ugly and worthless and I know it will never change because I tried getting help and everything + OCD + depression + my ex which was my everything and now I feel so empty without her and alone. So pretty much all of them...I don't care that much about job and no way I would CTB because of the PC it's just these small things that makes your day little bit worse and you are slowly losing your patience.

 

[lifeisbutadream]

I looked up dysmorphic disorder. Did you know that the most beautiful actresses have that too, tho they may not think of such a name. They look at a body part and say, omg i am so f'g ugly!!! As for lost loves, we all, most anyway, have to get over that, and time heals such wounds. And computers come with guarantees.

 

[Qverty7455]

I looked up dysmorphic disorder. Did you know that the most beautiful actresses have that too, tho they may not think of such a name. They look at a body part and say, omg i am so f'g ugly!!! As for lost loves, we all, most anyway, have to get over that, and time heals such wounds. And computers come with guarantees.

I hate my face aswell and everything about it and I can't ever accept myself. I just want to get rid of this body of mine which was total failure.
Everyone is only lying to me and will change me sooner or later and I will be never enough for someone.

 

[ALittleBurden]

I can't help, but I just want to wish you a peaceful and successful journey, you deserve some rest...

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I had body dysmorphia when I was younger. I kind of grew out of it but I know how worthless it made me feel. And I get how a little thing like the pc can tip you over the edge.

 

[shango]

I'm sorry to hear you have to go through this...This feeling that everything is turning against you one by one is something I'm way to familiar with. I wish you the best in whatever choices you choose. This world is so hateful

 

[drake4871]

Wish you the best OP it's hard fighting yourself

 

[Mr M]

I'm very sorry for all that you are going through. I know when you are in a depressed state you just can't reason things out or use logic. I hope you'll start feeling better soon or that you find some peace following your plans. Take your time. Can you tell us about your past ctb's attempts?

Also, you know one thing about breakups. She might have left you, she might have said horrible things and act completely indifferent, cold or hurtful. But that doesn't mean she is over you or that she doesn't love you. Haven't you even done something hurtful to someone you love, unintentionally? Sometimes love is just suppressed inside. Eventually she might come back to you. I have that experience so many times, I've suffered so much but eventually they came back. It might take time though.

I wish you all the best. Keep sharing with us.