Venting i cannot bear the weight in my mind

[v1car10us]

i'm not sure why but it that i've become void of most emotions that other people deem necessary. i'm never happy. i do not understand what my purpose in living is. i do not understand how even when people notice me i feel like i'm being eaten by this horrible feeling as if I'm not even real. i'm not sure if there's some driving point or crescendoing event that is supposed to give my life meaning, but as of right now i have no clue what i'm doing here or if i should even be here. i get comfortable with things, i get a certain rhythm going, and as soon as i feel like i'm safe, something drastically changes my perception of the thing that once made me feel like i was on top of the world, the one thing that keeps me sane, only to make me feel like i'm being crushed. i cannot handle being human. i don't want to die & just disappear. i don't want to dissolve in the ground for nothing, because i genuinely feel like sometimes there are no genuine guarantees of an afterlife except the mutual agreement to have faith in a being that you have never met. maybe our minds aren't built to perceive the idea of a "mystical" being, because we don't have anything here on earth to compare it to, yk? i just sit here at night, terrified that when i die i will disappear. that there will be nothing. no afterlife, just perpetuating black nothingness for the rest of eternity. i'm more scared for my loved ones than anything. fuck i'm so fucking worried about stupid shit i wish i could die already so i didn't have to worry about it anymore. every single good thing that happens in my life tends to be palliative rather than curative. nothing ever stays "good." nothing is ever a constant, an actual set in stone thing that can be relied on. nothing. every single event that is happening to me that i consider "catching a break," "giving some slack" is just building up to the next shitty thing that is inevitably going to fucking happen. i have been debarred from all interaction of my friends even in the common affairs of life, my parents think that every time i ask to go somewhere is a universally shunned and profane act where i'm just going to upset them. death seems like an acceptable relief to the misery & infamy in my life. all things, good and evil, are intimately intermingled to serve one purpose; fuck me over completely. the good things are there to put me in a false sense of security, and BOOM: the bad shit gets right to me. i cant wait until everyone finally drops me so i can kill myself already. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE MYSELF & EVERYTHING AROUND ME I WISH I COULD FUCKING PULL MYSELF FROM EXISTENCE WITHOUT HURTING MY LOVED ONES i'm fucking burning inside & i feel like my brain is eating the rest of my body

 

[waived]

I went from a place that's very cold and isolated where it's minute to minute but it's familiar and i'm prepared, to talking with a very intimate friend on the tele who I've known for so many years, attached to places and times that have grown into beautiful hallucinations. We haven't seen each other for a long time. Been through some serious gravy but I don't know how to incite the lucidity necessary for them to understand just how bad things are. I am already experiencing their pain.

 

[v1car10us]

I went from a place that's very cold and isolated where it's minute to minute but it's familiar and i'm prepared, to talking with a very intimate friend on the tele who I've known for so many years, attached to places and times that have grown into beautiful hallucinations. We haven't seen each other for a long time. Been through some serious gravy but I don't know how to incite the lucidity necessary for them to understand just how bad things are. I am already experiencing their pain.

much love