I never liked my face.
And I could never put my finger on why that was the case.
I never put a picture of myself on facebook because I didn't like the pics I took. I always put videogame or cartoon characters. Or I put pics of me making faces, that way it looks like I'm kidding around. Because in my normal blank expressions, there was something simply "not right" about it.
I left it at that and my face was not something I concentrated on till I was 21, because I always bought into the lie that "Looks don't matter".
After School ended, I got really fat. And by the time I started focusing on my face again, I didn't recognize who I was. It seemed so surreal.
And then after my extreme weightloss... there came a time where my face was maybe a 6/10. The peeps at looksmaxx said that I "Look good for a curry"
But of course, my hairloss became apparent soon after. And I was once again left with that dissonance. Looking in the mirror and not being able to accept what you're seeing. I look at my face and I think... That's not me... And... my hair is slowly recovering. But I feel I have other flaws now, things that come with age. Like the whitening of the eye.
And I look back and I think hard about the face that was my face. The face that defined me... and... nothing...
It all comes up empty....
I only thought about my face 3 times till I was 21.
And now, when I try to imagine what my real face should be like...
I can't picture anything...
Like it doesn't exist.
And I could never put my finger on why that was the case.
I never put a picture of myself on facebook because I didn't like the pics I took. I always put videogame or cartoon characters. Or I put pics of me making faces, that way it looks like I'm kidding around. Because in my normal blank expressions, there was something simply "not right" about it.
I left it at that and my face was not something I concentrated on till I was 21, because I always bought into the lie that "Looks don't matter".
After School ended, I got really fat. And by the time I started focusing on my face again, I didn't recognize who I was. It seemed so surreal.
And then after my extreme weightloss... there came a time where my face was maybe a 6/10. The peeps at looksmaxx said that I "Look good for a curry"
But of course, my hairloss became apparent soon after. And I was once again left with that dissonance. Looking in the mirror and not being able to accept what you're seeing. I look at my face and I think... That's not me... And... my hair is slowly recovering. But I feel I have other flaws now, things that come with age. Like the whitening of the eye.
And I look back and I think hard about the face that was my face. The face that defined me... and... nothing...
It all comes up empty....
I only thought about my face 3 times till I was 21.
And now, when I try to imagine what my real face should be like...
I can't picture anything...
Like it doesn't exist.
