Story I can only tell all of you ...

[DaughterOfCamus]

I'm a fairly new member but spent the last few months using this site to research methods and learning that I wasn't alone in many of my thoughts. I had my first thoughts of suicide and my first attempt at 13 but managed somehow to make it through my 20's. I graduated college and had a lot of great life experiences. Then my 30's came and it was like the switch went back on. I just stopped caring as much, started making pretty bad choices and kept wishing for death. It hasn't stopped and this pandemic has hammered in the point that I don't belong in this world and will be easily forgotten.

I've chosen to CTB using SN and tonight it seems will be my departure from this world. I just felt like I should tell someone even if it's just writing to a group of people I've never met. I feel connected to a lot of your struggles and respect the way so many of you take care of each other. I've gotten the chance to talk to a few members and appreciate the kindness I've been shown. The other day I was chatting with someone I really related to in the hours before they took what I assume was a fatal dose of SN. It hit me harder than expected especially since I didn't even know their name. Part of me was sad that life had brought them to that point while part of me was jealous that their fight with life was almost over.

I used to have an active social life, strong bonds with my family, close friendships and a career I loved but the last 2 years I've slowly lost all of it. Then one morning I woke up and I knew that I couldn't fix any of it. Worse was knowing that I didn't want to and being okay with that reality. I have't been the worst person in the world but I haven't been a great person either. I hurt a lot of my family and friends over the years when they were only trying to help but one by one they all left me in one way or another. I feel so much guilt and remorse about my life and I am so tired of fighting.

I just had to say something as it felt weird not to tell part of my story after knowing so many of yours.

 

[TripleA]

I'm a fairly new member but spent the last few months using this site to research methods and learning that I wasn't alone in many of my thoughts. I had my first thoughts of suicide and my first attempt at 13 but managed somehow to make it through my 20's. I graduated college and had a lot of great life experiences. Then my 30's came and it was like the switch went back on. I just stopped caring as much, started making pretty bad choices and kept wishing for death. It hasn't stopped and this pandemic has hammered in the point that I don't belong in this world and will be easily forgotten.

I've chosen to CTB using SN and tonight it seems will be my departure from this world. I just felt like I should tell someone even if it's just writing to a group of people I've never met. I feel connected to a lot of your struggles and respect the way so many of you take care of each other. I've gotten the chance to talk to a few members and appreciate the kindness I've been shown. The other day I was chatting with someone I really related to in the hours before they took what I assume was a fatal dose of SN. It hit me harder than expected especially since I didn't even know their name. Part of me was sad that life had brought them to that point while part of me was jealous that their fight with life was almost over.

I used to have an active social life, strong bonds with my family, close friendships and a career I loved but the last 2 years I've slowly lost all of it. Then one morning I woke up and I knew that I couldn't fix any of it. Worse was knowing that I didn't want to and being okay with that reality. I have't been the worst person in the world but I haven't been a great person either. I hurt a lot of my family and friends over the years when they were only trying to help but one by one they all left me in one way or another. I feel so much guilt and remorse about my life and I am so tired of fighting.

I just had to say something as it felt weird not to tell part of my story after knowing so many of yours.

Are you going to CTB tonight with SN?

 

[WornOutLife]

Damn, I feel so identified with the 2 years gap.
Sorry you're feeling like this. Hope you feel better soon and find peace.

 

[DaughterOfCamus]

Are you going to CTB tonight with SN?

Yes I am

 

[Good4Nothing]

"So tired of fighting".

That's me, too. Life has been a constant battle for me, and the harder I fight to get the things I need to be happy, the harder life fights back to keep me from having them.

I'm sorry life has brought you here. I hope you find peace.

 

[Lady black]

If you are going to die this night I wish you a peaceful death

 

[flagmaster]

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

i hope you find peace with any decision you make and if you go through with leaving tonight then I hope you have a peaceful ride to the other side.

Thank you for posting and sharing your story with us. I can see you battled for a long long time and for that I salute you.
If you do decide to stick around for a little longer, just know it won't matter to us and you will always be welcome here.

feel free to message me if you'd like. As I said though, peace and blessings to you. And lots of love

 

[DaughterOfCamus]

"So tired of fighting".

That's me, too. Life has been a constant battle for me, and the harder I fight to get the things I need to be happy, the harder life fights back to keep me from having them.

I'm sorry life has brought you here. I hope you find peace.

Thank you. I lost both my parents a few years ago as well as my grandparents and a few other family members/friends. I'm just ready to be where they are and for my journey to be over.

 

[dropdeadfred]

So freaking relatable. I am also having a date with SN soon. Much love in whatever comes for you.

 

[DaughterOfCamus]

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

i hope you find peace with any decision you make and if you go through with leaving tonight then I hope you have a peaceful ride to the other side.

Thank you for posting and sharing your story with us. I can see you battled for a long long time and for that I salute you.
If you do decide to stick around for a little longer, just know it won't matter to us and you will always be welcome here.

feel free to message me if you'd like. As I said though, peace and blessings to you. And lots of love

Thank you so much. I sent you a message. Hoping to distract myself for a bit.

 

[Weary Soul]

 

[botanormal]

I'm glad you were able to receive some comfort from this site. I'm happy you had the chance to share this with us, even if we've never interacted personally we are all connected through experiencing the same suicidal thoughts, and I'm so sorry for all of the pain you've endured. If you're planning on going tonight, I wish you a safe journey. If you decide it isn't the right time for you, there will be absolutely no harm in coming back! But regardless, I hope you manage to find your peace. Sending you big hugs

 

[Sleepysam25]

I'm a fairly new member but spent the last few months using this site to research methods and learning that I wasn't alone in many of my thoughts. I had my first thoughts of suicide and my first attempt at 13 but managed somehow to make it through my 20's. I graduated college and had a lot of great life experiences. Then my 30's came and it was like the switch went back on. I just stopped caring as much, started making pretty bad choices and kept wishing for death. It hasn't stopped and this pandemic has hammered in the point that I don't belong in this world and will be easily forgotten.

I've chosen to CTB using SN and tonight it seems will be my departure from this world. I just felt like I should tell someone even if it's just writing to a group of people I've never met. I feel connected to a lot of your struggles and respect the way so many of you take care of each other. I've gotten the chance to talk to a few members and appreciate the kindness I've been shown. The other day I was chatting with someone I really related to in the hours before they took what I assume was a fatal dose of SN. It hit me harder than expected especially since I didn't even know their name. Part of me was sad that life had brought them to that point while part of me was jealous that their fight with life was almost over.

I used to have an active social life, strong bonds with my family, close friendships and a career I loved but the last 2 years I've slowly lost all of it. Then one morning I woke up and I knew that I couldn't fix any of it. Worse was knowing that I didn't want to and being okay with that reality. I have't been the worst person in the world but I haven't been a great person either. I hurt a lot of my family and friends over the years when they were only trying to help but one by one they all left me in one way or another. I feel so much guilt and remorse about my life and I am so tired of fighting.

I just had to say something as it felt weird not to tell part of my story after knowing so many of yours.

You have punched your ticket and you're waiting for the bus to arive :). I'm sorry to hear about all the shit you've had to go through but it'll be okay, you'll be okay. Would you like me to suggest some of my favourite songs to distract you? I can only imagine how anxious you might be at the moment but we are here for you whatever your decision.

 

[Spitfire]

I'm a fairly new member but spent the last few months using this site to research methods and learning that I wasn't alone in many of my thoughts. I had my first thoughts of suicide and my first attempt at 13 but managed somehow to make it through my 20's. I graduated college and had a lot of great life experiences. Then my 30's came and it was like the switch went back on. I just stopped caring as much, started making pretty bad choices and kept wishing for death. It hasn't stopped and this pandemic has hammered in the point that I don't belong in this world and will be easily forgotten.

I've chosen to CTB using SN and tonight it seems will be my departure from this world. I just felt like I should tell someone even if it's just writing to a group of people I've never met. I feel connected to a lot of your struggles and respect the way so many of you take care of each other. I've gotten the chance to talk to a few members and appreciate the kindness I've been shown. The other day I was chatting with someone I really related to in the hours before they took what I assume was a fatal dose of SN. It hit me harder than expected especially since I didn't even know their name. Part of me was sad that life had brought them to that point while part of me was jealous that their fight with life was almost over.

I used to have an active social life, strong bonds with my family, close friendships and a career I loved but the last 2 years I've slowly lost all of it. Then one morning I woke up and I knew that I couldn't fix any of it. Worse was knowing that I didn't want to and being okay with that reality. I have't been the worst person in the world but I haven't been a great person either. I hurt a lot of my family and friends over the years when they were only trying to help but one by one they all left me in one way or another. I feel so much guilt and remorse about my life and I am so tired of fighting.

I just had to say something as it felt weird not to tell part of my story after knowing so many of yours.

I feel that.. since my thirties at 29 1/2 years old to be exact. Care gone... Still, continuing on for a matter unknown? I feel glad to hear you are okay with this for yourself. I admire and will remember you.. if you go or if you stay it is okay.

Thank you. I lost both my parents a few years ago as well as my grandparents and a few other family members/friends. I'm just ready to be where they are and for my journey to be over.

I am thinking of you

Just.. my mom when I was 30 years old. I feel like I get what you are saying in some ways. I feel sorry you experience having such significant losses of family.

Thank you for sharing

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I wish you peace.

 

[Ghost2211]

I hope you find relief, and have a fast trip.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

Wishing you a safe journey.

 

[Disappointered]

Wishing you a safe journey to eternal peace.

 

[awfullife]

You arent alone. The same thing happened to me and I'm facing mortality head on. If you decide to depart I wish you peace and love on your journey.

 

[peacechoice]

You put my exact same sentiments into words. I want you to know that it's not your fault regardless of what your friends and family tell you. It is not your fault that your friends and family have pushed and cast you aside because they don't understand you. They don't want to help you because if they did they would feel your pain and help you through it, but they've shut you out. Sure people don't like negativity and suicidal people are probably not good for their mental health, but instead of shutting them out they should at the very least try to understand. Who am I kidding myself, no one cares though. They only care because they're obligated to, they don't truly care. They say they want to help, but no one does. They shut you out instead and tell you to fix your issues. As if them telling you that is going to fix anything instead it takes you deeper into the pit. Then when you die they say some stupid shit like "they should've told me and I would've listened". The fucking hypocrisy.
No one actually gives two shits when you're so deep in the hole, all they do when they listen is tell you to trust in god. This is fucking gaslighting. They say this because they can't help you and it makes them feel better as a person. Not because they are a good person, but because they want to seem like a "good person". Instead of saying stupid shit like that even a "I understand" and not saying anything is way better than telling you to trust in god or telling you to get it together. Fuck those people.
But you know what? I actually do understand. I am here and I know. I won't sugar coat and I won't say something stupid and give you false hope. I will however listen with no judgment. That is all. I get you. I understand.