catpissmartini
Member
- Feb 5, 2020
- 11
Hello! Can somebody tell me where to start? I'm a new member and so grateful to find a community of people who understand what it's like to be on this end.
My sickness is mental. I'm well aware there are people who are struck with physical/terminal illnesses that are fighting for the ability to live. I'd give my life to them if I could - imagine being able to trade fate with Kobe Bryant or his daughter who were tragically taken and equally beloved. Unfortunately the world as we live in is weird and unfair.
There's just so much complexity, one example being the threshold of pain and exhaustion from person to person. I understand I live in a first world country and that I don't experience a struggle immediate enough to warrant a decision to take my own life. To some people I'm a terrible, entitled, attention-seeker. But my world is isolated and devoid of love, compassion and bonding. To me, that's reason enough - and being unable to regulate and predict my emotions is also enough. I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, ADD or Bipolar, but I have my suspicions.
I found temporary relief in alcohol and it also turned against me. If I'm going to live a respectable life, it will have to be a sober one. After tackling my addiction, I'll have to tackle my depression and anxiety - which I've had before taking my very first drink. And then I'll have to address the urge to throw up whenever I look in the mirror. After that, I'll be looking into breaking the patterns of 'age regression' behavior - childhood PTSD will do a number on somebody who's looking at 25 and didn't get the chance to be a smiling kid.
Anyway, I've ordered sodium nitrite over the internet and it should arrive tomorrow. I plan on taking 25 grams without an antiemetic on occasion I'm left alone for least an hour. From my research, throwing up or not - it should be fatal. My anxiety prevents me from jumping, hanging or shooting myself. Overdosing is hard and could leave me either brain damaged or locked in the looney bin again. Self poisoning sounds like the method to go - even if it's not totally peaceful.
I have doubts on whether to conduct it sober or drunk. My drunken decisions are gross, messy and regrettable. Though I don't see myself having the courage to end it otherwise - not because I'm not ready, I get panicky sitting in a car traveling a straight path on the freeway, so 'anxiety' is the default mode. I'm squeamish and my heart beats way too fast for any act of true courage to take place - say, you know, talking to a cashier. Sigh... I don't want to kill myself on a drunken whim, but if I don't my inhibitions won't let me.
My sickness is mental. I'm well aware there are people who are struck with physical/terminal illnesses that are fighting for the ability to live. I'd give my life to them if I could - imagine being able to trade fate with Kobe Bryant or his daughter who were tragically taken and equally beloved. Unfortunately the world as we live in is weird and unfair.
There's just so much complexity, one example being the threshold of pain and exhaustion from person to person. I understand I live in a first world country and that I don't experience a struggle immediate enough to warrant a decision to take my own life. To some people I'm a terrible, entitled, attention-seeker. But my world is isolated and devoid of love, compassion and bonding. To me, that's reason enough - and being unable to regulate and predict my emotions is also enough. I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, ADD or Bipolar, but I have my suspicions.
I found temporary relief in alcohol and it also turned against me. If I'm going to live a respectable life, it will have to be a sober one. After tackling my addiction, I'll have to tackle my depression and anxiety - which I've had before taking my very first drink. And then I'll have to address the urge to throw up whenever I look in the mirror. After that, I'll be looking into breaking the patterns of 'age regression' behavior - childhood PTSD will do a number on somebody who's looking at 25 and didn't get the chance to be a smiling kid.
Anyway, I've ordered sodium nitrite over the internet and it should arrive tomorrow. I plan on taking 25 grams without an antiemetic on occasion I'm left alone for least an hour. From my research, throwing up or not - it should be fatal. My anxiety prevents me from jumping, hanging or shooting myself. Overdosing is hard and could leave me either brain damaged or locked in the looney bin again. Self poisoning sounds like the method to go - even if it's not totally peaceful.
I have doubts on whether to conduct it sober or drunk. My drunken decisions are gross, messy and regrettable. Though I don't see myself having the courage to end it otherwise - not because I'm not ready, I get panicky sitting in a car traveling a straight path on the freeway, so 'anxiety' is the default mode. I'm squeamish and my heart beats way too fast for any act of true courage to take place - say, you know, talking to a cashier. Sigh... I don't want to kill myself on a drunken whim, but if I don't my inhibitions won't let me.
