Today I begged the person I love for the last time. I begged them to stay with me and never leave me so my thoughts of suicide can lay in the shadows of my thoughts. I have BPD and abandonment is a huge trigger for me, possibly due to fostercare. Living with BPD is tiring. I don't ever feel at peace. My emotions are on constant fight or flight. I'm constantly begging for love and approval. Today he rejected me and then said " stay for another month. Life is good. Be happy." I cried. I pleaded and said please, just stay with me so I'm not alone. I looked pathetic, crying in front of my school on the phone. I told him how much he doesn't understand the pain and loneliness I feel. He's a twin. I'm an only child. I'm not close with any family my age. I spent about 4 years in fostercare. I never really had friends as a child. I have always felt alone and watched people have the closeness i so desperately desire. For the last 25 or so years I've been dealing with depression and suicidal ideation. I've been wanting to die for so long but my fear of pain and the unknown keeps me trapped even though I've spent nearly 2000 on firearms and ammo. I'm in nursing school and I'm currently a case manager, working with kids to give them the love and safety I wish I felt. I feel empty. I can no longer give what I don't have. I want the pain to stop. I wish I mattered. I wish I wasn't alone.
EvisceratedJester
|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
- Oct 21, 2023
- 3,478
I understand that this may have been unintentional, but it's kind of manipulative to use your suicidal urges to try and force someone into doing something for you.
huntermellow
another bpd death statistic
- Aug 6, 2024
- 151
i know exactly how you feel… i hate having to beg to be loved and for someone to not leave me. bpd is a curse
I can understand how someone can feel that expressing that is manipulation. I guess for me, I've gotten to the point where I have stopped hiding my fears and emotions. I'm fully transparent. I've been on the otherside of this too, losing someone I love dearly and wishing they told me everything I'm telling them.
It is. I hate this. Especially when splitting.
BPD is extremely difficult to deal with.
Just a fair notice to anyone who reads this. BPD is not rational, it's not able to simply step back for a moment and have a think.
Abandonment is a VERY real and upfront fear in a BPD relationship. Even one that's going well. Anything from a small disagreement to your partner not replying to a text for an hour can make you genuinely feel that the relationship is over and that either you, them or both of you are absolute wastes of space.
I've threatened ctb to ex partners before because of tiny things.
It's hard to deal with because you're taught in therapy to take a moment, take a step back and think about things rationally. "Does this one minor disagreement REALLY mean it's all over?" BUT the BPD brain explodes into action instantly.
Just a fair notice to anyone who reads this. BPD is not rational, it's not able to simply step back for a moment and have a think.
Abandonment is a VERY real and upfront fear in a BPD relationship. Even one that's going well. Anything from a small disagreement to your partner not replying to a text for an hour can make you genuinely feel that the relationship is over and that either you, them or both of you are absolute wastes of space.
I've threatened ctb to ex partners before because of tiny things.
It's hard to deal with because you're taught in therapy to take a moment, take a step back and think about things rationally. "Does this one minor disagreement REALLY mean it's all over?" BUT the BPD brain explodes into action instantly.
pain6batch9
Chronic
- Aug 25, 2024
- 184
BPD sounds like a nightmare. But let me assure you, for those kids you take care of, you do matter. Very much. The reason I say that is because at times when I was at my lowest, homeless, after an attempt, in crisis, it was a nurse that reached out to me. Different ones. We have some of the best nurses in the world here, I digress…
I have to spend more time researching conditions that aren't in my wheelhouse so to speak.
I have to spend more time researching conditions that aren't in my wheelhouse so to speak.
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The fact you are dealing with kids in a similar situation to your own speaks volumes about your character .
The world needs to heal and it can only do that with selfless acts like that .
I have been struggling about the same length of time , it's a long bloody time to feel this pain .
The world needs to heal and it can only do that with selfless acts like that .
I have been struggling about the same length of time , it's a long bloody time to feel this pain .
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 38,379
It sounds like you've suffered so much, I'm sorry you suffer, it truly is such a cruel existence where there's all this pain. But anyway I wish you all the best.
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