LonelyStarrySky
they/them, menhera
- Oct 27, 2023
- 78
I have spent all of my life inside my house never really being able to do anything about it. It wasn't as bad until the pandemic, when most of my issues came to surface of how sick my life has gotten, since I wasn't able to attend school to see anyone from there and I should note that I had suicidal ideation before the pandemic. However my suicidiality became chronic during the pandemic. I have always had a scalpel blade with me and would walk outside carrying it. Not to defend myself or hurt anyone, it was intended to be used on myself. It was the same scalpel blade I already used to cut myself with in the past, so I thought if I needed to do it again I would do it. After the pandemic calmed down and I returned to school briefly I sort of stopped carrying a razor blade in my pocket. But I knew carrying it with me gave me a sense of security and peace and it would have been hard if I didn't feel it in my pocket when I felt really hurt.
Since the pandemic ended and I graduated high school I haven't been doing well either. I had no more reason to go outside really. I hate my local town, its just a hole I am stuck in. The whole town is falling apart pretty much, even the roads are broken. Its depressing for me to walk around those streets. I don't even attend a university because I couldn't bother with the academics anymore and my interests just don't align with what this fucking society wants from me. All they care about it the STEM field, which doesn't sound appealing to me at all. Thats why I couldn't attend any college even after I reached out for advice before multiple times on what I should do with my life, I only felt even more lost on what to do with my life.
I was told that I will have to find a job, because I can't just sit around doing nothing, and told that "you can't leech of your family, thats just elderly abuse" oh you wanna talk about abuse? we will get to it don't worry... Honestly I stopped trying to look for a job, and ever since the last meeting I had I felt like I should CTB. And the desire only became stronger as the months rolled by and my mental health deteriorated more and more. I just can't bother getting a job at all. I just find having a job so tiresome and not worth it, since I will be CTBing anyways, why is that worth the hassle? To work a boring job I hate, for what purpose? To buy food to keep myself alive to repeat the who cycle of suffering again so I get work experience?
I live in a toxic as hell enviorment which is normal where I live, if you are mentally vulnerable you are FUCKED. My mother is obessed with having control over everything I do and can't give up on it, I suggested moving out to live on my own quite a few times, she was entierly dismissive of something she isn't even supposed to have control over. Since its my fucking life and I am supposed to do with it what ever I fucking want. But escaping this hell of family is going to be entierly difficult, because my mother also lives with her parents, which is even more concerning. Its like this entire family is sick and broken to the core for generations. And it really is sick, her brother moved out once and OH MY GOD, how much does my family hate him now, they completely cut him off and stopped contacting him almost two years ago. However neither he is mentally sane either and is prone to being violent(considering he grew up in this sick household I am not even surprised he turned out that way). But that has been eating at me since, because he has a son who is few years younger than me, and he was a really important person for me, I treated him like a brother I never had. This lack of contact with him was detrimental for my mental health because I was not able to see him anymore. Every time I bring up how I want to see him again and miss him, and try to stop this madness, they are entierly dismissive of me, like he doesn't exist anymore. And they do this all the time, its impossible for me to reason with them, they are NPCs ignoring everything they don't want to hear.
The most detrimental thing of all is recently I found out I might have BPD, which is higly likely, since I relate to the symptoms a LOT over the years and more so now, whic is why acually I wanted to seek therapy to get tested for it and be diagnosed. I brought the issue up to my family and since they were again dismissive. Repeatedly asking me what problems do I have? Am I CRAZY? INSANE? Said that going to therapy is a waste of time and money? So my mental health is a waste of money for you? We will see about that... and lastly if it is found out I had gone to therapy or let a alone diagnosed with a condition I would struggle with getting future employment. I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT A FUCKING JOB, MY MENTAL HEALTH IS DECLINING AT A STEADY RATE AND I WILL FUCKING CTB. WHAT IS THERE LEFT? I couldn't hold it anymore, I just lashed out at them and they have since been ignoring me. Which is an extremely cowardly reaction to just back out once things don't go their fucking way. And the illusion they had about me about life just isn't true. Just goes to show how abusive they all are, and how I wasn't the first one broken there. Its a perpetual cycle, where it starts somewhere, and then I become abusive to my friends who then leave me, and I get more trauma, and become more controlling and get abanonded even more.
I have one option to try out seeking therapy myself and pay for it using my saving, but that is quite unsustainable since I would run out really fast as therapy is expensive as hell and also will be frustrating to me. Who knows when I would get a diagnosis and what will happen anymore.
I had to go get this out somewhere, I don't know if I said too much, what I know is that my life is entierly a pain to wake up every day and even get out of bed. I have mental health problems, can't study what I wanted, and my only fate is to work a useless job just to keep my body alive so I can experience even more pain and see the faces of this degrading family every morning, knowing I am not happy, knowing I am not in the field I wanted to be, knowing everyone I love will just abanond me and I will stop having a reason to live then even more.
Since the pandemic ended and I graduated high school I haven't been doing well either. I had no more reason to go outside really. I hate my local town, its just a hole I am stuck in. The whole town is falling apart pretty much, even the roads are broken. Its depressing for me to walk around those streets. I don't even attend a university because I couldn't bother with the academics anymore and my interests just don't align with what this fucking society wants from me. All they care about it the STEM field, which doesn't sound appealing to me at all. Thats why I couldn't attend any college even after I reached out for advice before multiple times on what I should do with my life, I only felt even more lost on what to do with my life.
I was told that I will have to find a job, because I can't just sit around doing nothing, and told that "you can't leech of your family, thats just elderly abuse" oh you wanna talk about abuse? we will get to it don't worry... Honestly I stopped trying to look for a job, and ever since the last meeting I had I felt like I should CTB. And the desire only became stronger as the months rolled by and my mental health deteriorated more and more. I just can't bother getting a job at all. I just find having a job so tiresome and not worth it, since I will be CTBing anyways, why is that worth the hassle? To work a boring job I hate, for what purpose? To buy food to keep myself alive to repeat the who cycle of suffering again so I get work experience?
I live in a toxic as hell enviorment which is normal where I live, if you are mentally vulnerable you are FUCKED. My mother is obessed with having control over everything I do and can't give up on it, I suggested moving out to live on my own quite a few times, she was entierly dismissive of something she isn't even supposed to have control over. Since its my fucking life and I am supposed to do with it what ever I fucking want. But escaping this hell of family is going to be entierly difficult, because my mother also lives with her parents, which is even more concerning. Its like this entire family is sick and broken to the core for generations. And it really is sick, her brother moved out once and OH MY GOD, how much does my family hate him now, they completely cut him off and stopped contacting him almost two years ago. However neither he is mentally sane either and is prone to being violent(considering he grew up in this sick household I am not even surprised he turned out that way). But that has been eating at me since, because he has a son who is few years younger than me, and he was a really important person for me, I treated him like a brother I never had. This lack of contact with him was detrimental for my mental health because I was not able to see him anymore. Every time I bring up how I want to see him again and miss him, and try to stop this madness, they are entierly dismissive of me, like he doesn't exist anymore. And they do this all the time, its impossible for me to reason with them, they are NPCs ignoring everything they don't want to hear.
The most detrimental thing of all is recently I found out I might have BPD, which is higly likely, since I relate to the symptoms a LOT over the years and more so now, whic is why acually I wanted to seek therapy to get tested for it and be diagnosed. I brought the issue up to my family and since they were again dismissive. Repeatedly asking me what problems do I have? Am I CRAZY? INSANE? Said that going to therapy is a waste of time and money? So my mental health is a waste of money for you? We will see about that... and lastly if it is found out I had gone to therapy or let a alone diagnosed with a condition I would struggle with getting future employment. I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT A FUCKING JOB, MY MENTAL HEALTH IS DECLINING AT A STEADY RATE AND I WILL FUCKING CTB. WHAT IS THERE LEFT? I couldn't hold it anymore, I just lashed out at them and they have since been ignoring me. Which is an extremely cowardly reaction to just back out once things don't go their fucking way. And the illusion they had about me about life just isn't true. Just goes to show how abusive they all are, and how I wasn't the first one broken there. Its a perpetual cycle, where it starts somewhere, and then I become abusive to my friends who then leave me, and I get more trauma, and become more controlling and get abanonded even more.
I have one option to try out seeking therapy myself and pay for it using my saving, but that is quite unsustainable since I would run out really fast as therapy is expensive as hell and also will be frustrating to me. Who knows when I would get a diagnosis and what will happen anymore.
I had to go get this out somewhere, I don't know if I said too much, what I know is that my life is entierly a pain to wake up every day and even get out of bed. I have mental health problems, can't study what I wanted, and my only fate is to work a useless job just to keep my body alive so I can experience even more pain and see the faces of this degrading family every morning, knowing I am not happy, knowing I am not in the field I wanted to be, knowing everyone I love will just abanond me and I will stop having a reason to live then even more.
