Story I bailed

[Toenditall]

today was ment to be my day everything was set and ready to go but for some reason I just can't go though with it I've been looking forward to this day for a while fucking survival instinct hopefully I'll come around and get the balls to go though with it soon so pissed at myself

 

[Empty Smile]

Don't beat yourself up. It takes a lot of balls and will power to pull this off. Some people can do it without a thought, and others bail for one reason or another.

 

[Toenditall]

I still want to just end it but my body isn't letting me wish I could just get a gun it would be easier

 

[Empty Smile]

Yea, but remember, you might bail with a gun as well. You can bail with any method you choose.

Whatever you choose, I hope you find peace.

 

[ausboy96]

Lots of us bail at the last second. It's normal. Don't beat yourself up. You can try again soon.

 

[Toenditall]

Cheers guys this is the first time this has happened to me maybe it's the 4 failed attempts affecting me and having to deal with my family yet again

 

[Empty Smile]

don't. Get eternal life or you'll burn in hell. watch this

You're not one of these "good samaritan's" are you? Cause if you are, you won't be here long.

 

[Empty Smile]

do what you want but you'll burn in hell if you sui i promise you

Ah you are one. Goodbye.

 

[weedoge]

isn't condoning suicide illegal?

Are you like 12?

 

[Empty Smile]

isn't condoning suicide illegal?

Isn't forcing your religious beliefs down everyone's throat illegal?

No?

Should be.

We don't go to your idiotic site throwing our propaganda to you. Don't come here doing it. You will lose.

 

[Threads]

Oh hey guys, thread isn't derailed anymore.

Please carry on.

 

[Empty Smile]

High 5 Threads!!!

 

[TiredHorse]

today was ment to be my day everything was set and ready to go but for some reason I just can't go though with it I've been looking forward to this day for a while fucking survival instinct hopefully I'll come around and get the balls to go though with it soon so pissed at myself

Try not to be too pissed at yourself. I flinched and failed three Mondays in a row --with eb/N2, no less, which is supposed to be as straightforward a method as exists. Suvival instinct is a bloody nuisance!

As of tonight it will be two weeks since my last attempt. I'm currently trying to steady myself, rest up, and get in the right mindset for the next race for the bus stop --but it has taken all of these last two weeks to settle myself down and really focus on why I want to ctb. It'll likely take another week before I'm ready to give it another go.

It's exhausting and crushingly demoralizing to miss the bus, so go easy on yourself. Be kind to you. Accept comfort, if you can. Catch your breath. There'll be another bus coming along whenever you need it.

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

It's so hard when all the way through the preparation everything feels so right. Then at the very last second something rises up inside.. a giant oh crap feeling if you will.. least that's what it feels like to me. It wasn't so much a want to live but an overpowering fear of what was about to happen. I don't know if you had a similar experience but I'm sorry that you're dealing with the fallout of still being here. I'm right there with you.

 

[Toenditall]

It's so hard when all the way through the preparation everything feels so right. Then at the very last second something rises up inside.. a giant oh crap feeling if you will.. least that's what it feels like to me. It wasn't so much a want to live but an overpowering fear of what was about to happen. I don't know if you had a similar experience but I'm sorry that you're dealing with the fallout of still being here. I'm right there with you.

Thank you so much you got it in one got all my tablets antiemits a couple of bottles of jack and my hotel booked but I just couldn't order the taxi tried taking doing it at home but got disturbed luckily talked my way out of it so still got most my pills more than enough to kill me so I'm just going to wait and see how I feel

 

[Toenditall]

I really fucking hate myself for not going though with my plans life is fucking shit might go round a bad part of town and try to start something with the hope of getting murdered I can't back out of that, why is dying so hard

 

[Retched]

I really fucking hate myself for not going though with my plans life is fucking shit might go round a bad part of town and try to start something with the hope of getting murdered I can't back out of that, why is dying so hard

I understand this feeling. And where I live there really is no "bad" part of town and if I tried to involve myself in something shady, I'd probably get laughed at.

 

[LetMeDiePlease]

I really fucking hate myself for not going though with my plans life is fucking shit might go round a bad part of town and try to start something with the hope of getting murdered I can't back out of that, why is dying so hard

Yeah it's ironic that we are jealous of those who suffer from disaster. I would be super happy if a fire started and my body got burned in my sleep or there was an earthquake or sudden high levels of CO or I just get shot in my sleep. Too bad, these will only be a dream.

 

[BurningLights]

I suggest you read tiredhorses post reflecting on this type of situation.
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/perhaps-this-helps-anyone-avoid-flinching.8235/#post-140813

You are not alone my friend, many of us have had to deal with this. I wish you well, don't beat yourself up, it's more normal than you think.

 

[Toenditall]

I understand this feeling. And where I live there really is no "bad" part of town and if I tried to involve myself in something shady, I'd probably get laughed at.

I live in a really bad part of Birmingham in the uk with a lot of knife and gun crime I'm at the point where I don't even want it to be painless I want it to hurt or I could always hire a hitman to kill me money isn't a problem

 

[Retched]

I live in a really bad part of Birmingham in the uk with a lot of knife and gun crime I'm at the point where I don't even want it to be painless I want it to hurt or I could always hire a hitman to kill me money isn't a problem

I understand where you are coming from, thought same thing. But near impossible here without actual, like, dating someone who has really awful explosive temper...

 

[TAW122]

It's really hard to ctb, and even for the most bravest people who thought they overcame their SI, the stubborn SI creeps up out of nowhere. Anyways, I think TiredHorse made some good suggestions and has a thread about it.