Venting I backed out

[ikadasui]

I was making my way to the gun store and as I kept looking at my gps it felt like I was in a box, each step it got smaller and smaller until I felt dizzy and turned around. Now, I'm back home and truly grasping what this means for me, it means I will not make an attempt, I will contiune living my mediocre life and loose what little things of sanity I have left as well. I just wish I had a functioning brain because if I was at least smart and could understand/process information I'd be able to weather the storm. I don't though, and I've always been stupid and bad at learning it's true torture, knowing you're too dumb to learn and live, but realizing you're smart enough to see your short comings is true purgatory

 

[Maaizr]

bro its definitely okay to not be ready to die yet, im right there too .. im so sorry you have to experience this, what you're feeling rn is valid feels like we'll never truly be ready and we'll just have to make that choice regardless its fucking sick

 

[ikadasui]

bro its definitely okay to not be ready to die yet, im right there too .. im so sorry you have to experience this, what you're feeling rn is valid feels like we'll never truly be ready and we'll just have to make that choice regardless its fucking sick

It is really bad. Knowing you're living an inferior life but are too cowardly to end it. I'll find no comfort in this life, and yet I just cling to it like a roach and it sickens me deeply. I curse my parents more than ever after these events today.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide is very difficult after all, we are all programmed to survive even know we want to die. It is like being trapped, living an miserable existence, yet being unable to end it. I wish you the best, whatever happens.

 

[ikadasui]

Yeah after coming home today and thinking things out more, I've decided I'm going to try again. I'll get an uber to delivery me right to the store to relieve some of the pressure that walking there gave me. The mental turmoil I'm experiencing currently is just boarding unbearable, to which I start considering more painful and grisly methods.

 

[Drewpeterson519]

I want to ctb via gun but it seems so complicated to me. Everyone tells me not to use any type of handgun. But a shotgun is so big and awkward idk how it's possible to actually hold it in your mouth and even be able to reach the trigger let alone hold it at an accurate position/angle to hit the brain stem.

Also, because I live with my parents this makes things even more complicated. How am I supposed to fire a gun out in the garage without them or the neighbors hearing? It's not like I can do it in the house. I live with my brother too. Someone is always home. If anyone finds me shortly after, I risk being taken to the hospital and revived, ending up a horrifically disfigured vegetable.

 

[cambrai33]

Yeah after coming home today and thinking things out more, I've decided I'm going to try again. I'll get an uber to delivery me right to the store to relieve some of the pressure that walking there gave me. The mental turmoil I'm experiencing currently is just boarding unbearable, to which I start considering more painful and grisly methods.

There is nothing to be ashamed about backing out, it just means you weren't ready yet. Why not take time to think it all through and if that's what you want then fine but no harm taking a little step back to think things through

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Yeah after coming home today and thinking things out more, I've decided I'm going to try again. I'll get an uber to delivery me right to the store to relieve some of the pressure that walking there gave me. The mental turmoil I'm experiencing currently is just boarding unbearable, to which I start considering more painful and grisly methods.

I hope you can control your anxiety for whatever choice you make. Best wishes.

 

[Sakurai___]

Piénsalo una vez más.
Piénsalo bien.

Solo, te deseo suerte en lo que elijas.
Yo te doy mi apoyo en lo que elijas hacer.
<3

 

[AintNoWayOut]

at least you have the brain power to drive lol

 

[ikadasui]

Have an uber on the way! Wish me luck and hopefully I can secure my gun and get home without any issues

 

[ikadasui]

Have an uber on the way! Wish me luck and hopefully I can secure my gun and get home without any issues

Made the purchase! All my plans, however, went tits side up in that fucking store! the gun i wanted a 45 cal was not in stock so I had to settle for a god damn fucking 9mm model. That's a huge downgrade in terms of fire power and it skeeves the fuck out of me! Secondly, I'll have to secure new ammo and I couldn't actually walk out with my gun today so even though I had hoped to exit tonight, I'm now stuck here till tuesday at a minimum.

 

[catdaddy2601]

Don't beat yourself up ... I had plans to ctb a few months ago, I was so sure I was ready but I wasn't, felt like a failure afterwards... When the time is right you will know, just make sure it's not impulsive and for the right reasons... Sending love and light.

 

[ikadasui]

Don't beat yourself up ... I had plans to ctb a few months ago, I was so sure I was ready but I wasn't, felt like a failure afterwards... When the time is right you will know, just make sure it's not impulsive and for the right reasons... Sending love and light.

I'm pretty ready tbh. Even just sitting back here in my house I'm in extreme mental anguish and really wishing I could of gone tonight. Thank you for your kind words

 

[catdaddy2601]

I'm pretty ready tbh. Even just sitting back here in my house I'm in extreme mental anguish and really wishing I could of gone tonight. Thank you for your kind words

Your welcome ... Wishing you all the best .. I've ordered SN and I'm off sick from work for a month ... Im just patiently waiting now... The fact that it's on its way gives me great comfort, and I've just putting things into place before it arrives .. I turn 33 next month so this is a long time coming, can't bear to be here any longer

 

[KTbear]

I was making my way to the gun store and as I kept looking at my gps it felt like I was in a box, each step it got smaller and smaller until I felt dizzy and turned around. Now, I'm back home and truly grasping what this means for me, it means I will not make an attempt, I will contiune living my mediocre life and loose what little things of sanity I have left as well. I just wish I had a functioning brain because if I was at least smart and could understand/process information I'd be able to weather the storm. I don't though, and I've always been stupid and bad at learning it's true torture, knowing you're too dumb to learn and live, but realizing you're smart enough to see your short comings is true purgatory

Try not to be upset about this, it just means you aren't ready and that is *totally fine.* It doesn't mean that the rest of your life will be mediocre, or that CTB won't be an option in the future if that is what you decide later. Buying a gun is stressful and interactions with the dealer during the selection process can get awkward real quick in this kind of situation. Plus, the firearm method of CTB is inherently scary for most people. Also, you aren't too dumb to live. You would be surprised at the number of people who have learning disabilities and manage to find a place we fit. You don't have an expiration date and you haven't lost CTB as an option. There's as much time as you want.