Venting I am tired

[ilovecats]

I am tired. I barely sleep 4 hours a night, have a lot of work to do as a student and as an employee. I'm getting desperate. I've never wanted to ctb as much as I do now. I still try to keep myself together and rationalize my feelings. I don't want to act out of desperation but it's getting hard. I've been struggling a lot before, but all this work drags me down even more. I've been a nihilist since I was 12 and my only way to get over it was by trying to be happy. After all, living a happy life is better that just not existing, but I can't. I'm afraid of living the rest of my life like this. I just want to be happy. Not successful with a lot of friends and wealth, even if I get in the history books. All of that is absolutely meaningless. Just happy, even if it has no meaning. I want to stop caring about everything, either by recovery, if possible, or ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound really exhausting what you have to go through and it's understandable as to why you would wish to leave it all behind. But anyway I wish you the best of luck.

 

[card1nal]

living a happy life is better that just not existing, but I can't.

Is there any way for you to lessen your class workload or even take some time off work? I go in and out of feeling like nothing in my life has meaning, and some of the only times I feel solace is when I'm completely engulfed by something I'm passionate about or when I'm distracted by the people I'm living for. I know it's only a temporary and flimsy solution, but if you truly don't want to act out of desperation, then I suggest doing something you love (or, at least, like) regardless of if it interferes with work or school.

Another suggestion I have is just lying to yourself. If you are willing to fall completely into a delusion for the sake of happiness, then by all means you should. This, again, is a very flimsy solution, but you sound like you desperately just want to escape your reality.

I understand the feeling of wanting to escape every thought and feeling you have, and I know I'm just a stranger, but I sincerely hope you find happiness. And if you find that your happiness has no meaning, I hope you find peace. Pain like this is hard to escape, and I'm so sorry you have to experience it and feel like ctb could be the only way to escape it, even if you wouldn't prefer it.

 

[ilovecats]

Is there any way for you to lessen your class workload or even take some time off work?

Already told everyone that I'm going to do the work. Besides, it is very important and I can't back down.

I suggest doing something you love

I do go to the gym. I love it and it is the only thing keeping me sane, but the moment I get home, reality hits me like a truck.

Another suggestion I have is just lying to yourself. If you are willing to fall completely into a delusion for the sake of happiness, then by all means you should.

I've been trying to seek meaning from religion and other philosophies, but my mind doesn't allow me to. Every point of view other than mine doesn't make sense to me. I do understand them, but can't embrace them as an objective truth.

I sincerely hope you find happiness

Thank you

 

[card1nal]

Already told everyone that I'm going to do the work. Besides, it is very important and I can't back down.

I do go to the gym. I love it and it is the only thing keeping me sane, but the moment I get home, reality hits me like a truck.

I've been trying to seek meaning from religion and other philosophies, but my mind doesn't allow me to. Every point of view other than mine doesn't make sense to me. I do understand them, but can't embrace them as an objective truth.

Thank you

I'm sorry that my suggestions weren't of much use, but if you ever need to talk or vent about these things, feel free to PM me. If all else fails, sometimes just talking through your feelings is enough to get through another day.