I considered to kill myself this morning, this evening or tomorrow morning. The situation is shitty.
My parents pressure to continue with college I rather kill myself. I got some money because I am a nursing case. I hoped my mom would save the money for bad times and instead she wants to spend it all. I hoped it could save my life....I wanted to invest in stocks ETFs. When I called her out she revealed that her heart issues have worsened., She told me literally she could die any single day. I think she exaggerated it but it scared me. If my mom dies or ends up being a nursing case herself I am going to kill myself immediately. This is my plan thus far.
I have love paranoia when I meet women and it ruined everything thus far. I was dating a woman she was treating me poorly. I gave her all I had. Last Thursday she revealed to me she only sees me as a friend. This made me a little bit acute suicidal. And it got worse each day.
College starts in two weeks and I rather kill myself than to continue this torture. My dad pressures me and my mom pressures. I was pretty suicidal and a friend told me I could visit him today. I visited him and it was a good time but I got pretty depressed at the evening. I live in the same house as my mom but she and her friend have traveled somewhere else. I did not eat much the last hours and I did not drink much. So I considered to take my SN which is stored under my bed. I read the protocol. I have not fasted long enough. And I have drunk too much.
I could take it tomorrow in the morning. My family blamed me for the death of my grandpa. When my mom and grandma wanted to throw me out we had a loud argument and my grandpa witnessed it got a stroke and died. They all blamed it on me. The funeral was horrible and sort of traumatized me further. I don't want that this nightmare repeats itself. I more and more get the feeling I won't make it until my parents die. I have to die when I attempt. I want to increase the chance as high as possible. I always said I want that my first real attempt is my last one. The likelihood to die is 81% if one follows the protocoll. With my bad luck...
I think I really should not do it when my mom has acute heart issues. I cannot do that. If it was guarantted I die it would be a different story. She abused me as a child and caused all of this. But holy shit I don't want to witness the aftermath. The problem is her heart issues will only get worse the older she gets.
Tomorrow is my self-help group. I have a crush on a woman there. She laughs amazingly about my jokes but she is full of pity for me. I hope she is not there tomorrow. I won't approach her. I will talk a little bit about my pain maybe.
In the evening I am way more depressed than in the morning. But in evening I never have fasted enough. I am curious how much longer I am able to survive. My dad pressures me to go to this trainingship for disabled people. I told him I rather kill myself. There is something my friends would do for me to prevent my suicide. I won't elaborate on it. It shows me how much they love me and they know it is the only way to prevent my suicide. But it could get them into big trouble. At the same my suicide would ruin their lives. And the trouble they could get into is rather unlikely. It might be worth the shot.
I took some new photos for my dating app with the help of my friend. And I really like one piece of clothing I had on. I think it would be perfect for a picture at my funeral. It symbolizes my whole life.
My parents pressure to continue with college I rather kill myself. I got some money because I am a nursing case. I hoped my mom would save the money for bad times and instead she wants to spend it all. I hoped it could save my life....I wanted to invest in stocks ETFs. When I called her out she revealed that her heart issues have worsened., She told me literally she could die any single day. I think she exaggerated it but it scared me. If my mom dies or ends up being a nursing case herself I am going to kill myself immediately. This is my plan thus far.
I have love paranoia when I meet women and it ruined everything thus far. I was dating a woman she was treating me poorly. I gave her all I had. Last Thursday she revealed to me she only sees me as a friend. This made me a little bit acute suicidal. And it got worse each day.
College starts in two weeks and I rather kill myself than to continue this torture. My dad pressures me and my mom pressures. I was pretty suicidal and a friend told me I could visit him today. I visited him and it was a good time but I got pretty depressed at the evening. I live in the same house as my mom but she and her friend have traveled somewhere else. I did not eat much the last hours and I did not drink much. So I considered to take my SN which is stored under my bed. I read the protocol. I have not fasted long enough. And I have drunk too much.
I could take it tomorrow in the morning. My family blamed me for the death of my grandpa. When my mom and grandma wanted to throw me out we had a loud argument and my grandpa witnessed it got a stroke and died. They all blamed it on me. The funeral was horrible and sort of traumatized me further. I don't want that this nightmare repeats itself. I more and more get the feeling I won't make it until my parents die. I have to die when I attempt. I want to increase the chance as high as possible. I always said I want that my first real attempt is my last one. The likelihood to die is 81% if one follows the protocoll. With my bad luck...
I think I really should not do it when my mom has acute heart issues. I cannot do that. If it was guarantted I die it would be a different story. She abused me as a child and caused all of this. But holy shit I don't want to witness the aftermath. The problem is her heart issues will only get worse the older she gets.
Tomorrow is my self-help group. I have a crush on a woman there. She laughs amazingly about my jokes but she is full of pity for me. I hope she is not there tomorrow. I won't approach her. I will talk a little bit about my pain maybe.
In the evening I am way more depressed than in the morning. But in evening I never have fasted enough. I am curious how much longer I am able to survive. My dad pressures me to go to this trainingship for disabled people. I told him I rather kill myself. There is something my friends would do for me to prevent my suicide. I won't elaborate on it. It shows me how much they love me and they know it is the only way to prevent my suicide. But it could get them into big trouble. At the same my suicide would ruin their lives. And the trouble they could get into is rather unlikely. It might be worth the shot.
I took some new photos for my dating app with the help of my friend. And I really like one piece of clothing I had on. I think it would be perfect for a picture at my funeral. It symbolizes my whole life.
Last edited:
