I am sometimes scared to say the quiet part loud

[noname223]

When I am surrounded by average people and strangers I often have obsessive suicidal thoughts. I often repeat "I am going to kill myself" or similar sentences in my head. It is my way to play the charade. I dislke to act as if I was heatlhy. But obviously you should not tell everyone (strangers) about your life story.

I sometimes imagine to shut it in public spaces "I am going to kill myself". Obviously I would never do that. But I would be curious about the reactions. Probably I would end up in the psych ward.

I am a control freak with a lot of OCD. I am scared to say the quiet part loud when I am surrounded by other people. But it is very unlikely that will happen. I try to think a lot before I articulate myself.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I'm sorry that you feel that way, that must be awful.
I can't relate but when I'm surrounded by people I just want to run home. I wish I could be invisible at such times.

 

[ReallyTired]

Such behaviour is frown upon where I live. They would call it attention seeking behaviour.
It's sad, but I think you wouldn't get much help doing that if that's what you want.
Someone might call ambulance or police, they are very like to turn up because they have 'duty of care'. They will take you to an emergency appartment. There are severe A&E staff shortages in most hospitals, so hospital staff are generally burn out and too busy treating "real patients", (which you are not), so you will be treated like a giant pain in the ass, and attention seeker.You will probably have to wait 10-12 hours in a small crowded waiting room for someone to see you and speak to you. Then you will be sent back home and advised to see your GP. (I went to A&E once when my depression worsened, it was a really bad idea).
But, maybe it's better where you live.
The city where I live in has third highest suicide rate in the country. Not really surprising.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that it is always best to keep thoughts of suicide to ourselves, it can do no good by sharing too much. We live in a world where suicide is so stigmatised after all and many people do not accept and understand those who are suicidal. It sounds so awful ending up in a psych ward. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I wish you the best.