Venting I am so tired of being alive

[HateMyPointlessLife]

I feel so lonely, and miserable, stressed out of my mind. And I just really wish I would end my life. I have had horrible social anxiety, as far back as I can remember, and it has always affected everything in my life, and prevented me from being able to live. I have never been able to have proper relationships. I have also suffered with BPD and OCD for many years, since childhood. And suffering from these illnesses has made my life complete hell, and every year it gets worse and worse. I decided at 12, that my goal was to end up killing myself at some point. And even before that I had dealt with years of wishing I was dead. And now I am 30. And I hate myself for being a failure who hasn't been successful in killing myself. And for allowing myself to get to this age. I have tried many times to kill myself. But I have either been unlucky, or I mess it up, or I'm too afraid that I will mess up, or I'm too gutless to go through with it, or family members manipulate and guilt me into staying alive, but then treat me like dirt, and tell me what a waste of space I am constantly. I am so tired of life, and being miserable. I am sick of wasting time, and letting the years go by. But I just don't want to be here anymore. I wish I could have just never have been born. It would have saved me so much pain, and saved me from being a constant nuisance to my family. I have no energy or will to live anymore. And I can't stand to get out of bed everyday. I can't live on my own, and still live with my parents, who resent me. And I can't handle a job anymore. I have been confined to the house for over a year. And I feel like such a pathetic excuse for a person. I completely despise myself. And I just want it to finally be over.

 

[FuneralCry]

I am also very tired of living. I know that it can be dreadful when everything is hopeless. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I see it as being unfair that we were forced to exist and we have to endure this painful existence, I also wish I was never born in the first place. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I would do anything just to be able to peacefully exit and be free from everything.

 

[Moonchildx13]

This is my exact situation. No matter how much therapy or medications I use I still hate being alive. Everyone in my life tells me to stay and says to look at all the good things that have happened. But the bad for me outweighs the good. None of those things even matter to me. I feel bad telling them that I don't feel that happiness they do. Life itself just feels so pointless. Every day is a fight and I'm so tired of fighting.

 

[HateMyPointlessLife]

This is my exact situation. No matter how much therapy or medications I use I still hate being alive. Everyone in my life tells me to stay and says to look at all the good things that have happened. But the bad for me outweighs the good. None of those things even matter to me. I feel bad telling them that I don't feel that happiness they do. Life itself just feels so pointless. Every day is a fight and I'm so tired of fighting.

I can relate. I went to therapy for ages, and was on many different medications, neither of which helped. And the medications always made me feel ill, and then more depressed. But people kept telling me that it was my own fault that they weren't working, and saying that I didn't want them to work. I just either wanted something to help make life more bearable, or to give up entirely, and not have to fight every day. I feel like I've been fighting every day for as long as I can remember. And life just gets worse and worse. And I just wish people around me would understand, that life is just not worth it for me, and never has been. Sometimes I wish I had no one that I cared about, so I would be free from any guilt, over wanting to end my life. None of the people that I care about can even stand me. Except maybe my 2 nieces, but they don't understand why I am so unhappy, and why I cut myself off from people. And I am worried about being a negative influence. But I don't blame everyone for not being able to stand me. I wish I didn't have to deal with myself. I have always been a deeply unhappy person. And make myself and the people around me miserable. And I don't understand why they guilt me into staying alive. I wish I could just erase myself from existence altogether. So it would be easier for them. And I could be free from life.

I am also very tired of living. I know that it can be dreadful when everything is hopeless. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I see it as being unfair that we were forced to exist and we have to endure this painful existence, I also wish I was never born in the first place. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I would do anything just to be able to peacefully exit and be free from everything.

I understand. I feel like every day of my life has been a struggle. And it is so exhausting. I feel like my brain has always wanted to make me as miserable as possible. And every year it has just gotten worse and worse. And I have always hated myself for making life so difficult, and not being able to allow myself to be happy. I hope one day that I don't have to fight anymore.

 

[Lost Magic]

I hear you my friend. I have never wanted to be alive. I thought that things would get better over time but I was fooling myself. I'm now actively planning my end more. I think when I lay flowers on my mother's grave and finalise my will, this will be it for me. I'm not playing this twisted game called life anymore. Society is becoming worse anyway and they are using things like Covid 19 and the Capitol riots to make our world more Orwellian. To hell with it all, the curtain has been lifted. It is all an illusion.

 

[Zzzzz]

I'm sorry. That sounds horrible. I also have had no will to live for several years but have failed to CTB . No one should have to suffer like that.