foreverotting
Member
- Oct 1, 2020
- 49
I am so incredibly tired of living.
My birthday was three days ago and here I am. Physically alive, but mentally dead. When I was 13 I was convinced I wouldn't be alive at 18. I spent my whole teenage years depressed with suicidal intent while those around me spent theirs with pride. Eventually, those I grew up around graduated on time while I stayed behind catching up on my classes. I still haven't graduated high school yet- I still have another year to go until I do, and that's if I actually pass my classes this year. I haven't shown up to school for two weeks and have missed two months of school in total.
I am constantly at a new low and it's easy to say that I have lived a miserable life. I started therapy at 14 and since then I have taken so many medications that I can't even count them on two hands. I've tried an outpatient program that was five days a week, 7AM-3PM, for a month and a half, I tried inpatient back in September of this year for 9 days and left despite my therapist that I had there suggesting I should stay longer, but I just missed my bed too much. I also just finished a TMS program and see my therapist every Tuesday. Despite all of this, I am at my lowest.
I have TRIED recovering and I still AM but nothing is working out. I am so depressed every day and sleep for over 12 hours a day. How is it humane to keep a person alive despite feeling so miserable. All I'm doing is making my parents waste their hard earned money on me while I give nothing in return. The least I could do is show up to class or help around the house, but do I do that? No, I don't. At this point I am useless and my brain has spent all of its time developing into a depressed-lazy person. How am I supposed to get better now? I've been like this for so long now. I can only see suicide as an option, but I can't even do that because I will not put that on my family.
What the hell am I supposed to do now??? I just want to sleep all the time and not do anything, but I can't because I have to go to school and get a job or else my parents will eventually have to kick me out. I can't just live there until they die. FUCK everything, I fucking hate everything
My birthday was three days ago and here I am. Physically alive, but mentally dead. When I was 13 I was convinced I wouldn't be alive at 18. I spent my whole teenage years depressed with suicidal intent while those around me spent theirs with pride. Eventually, those I grew up around graduated on time while I stayed behind catching up on my classes. I still haven't graduated high school yet- I still have another year to go until I do, and that's if I actually pass my classes this year. I haven't shown up to school for two weeks and have missed two months of school in total.
I am constantly at a new low and it's easy to say that I have lived a miserable life. I started therapy at 14 and since then I have taken so many medications that I can't even count them on two hands. I've tried an outpatient program that was five days a week, 7AM-3PM, for a month and a half, I tried inpatient back in September of this year for 9 days and left despite my therapist that I had there suggesting I should stay longer, but I just missed my bed too much. I also just finished a TMS program and see my therapist every Tuesday. Despite all of this, I am at my lowest.
I have TRIED recovering and I still AM but nothing is working out. I am so depressed every day and sleep for over 12 hours a day. How is it humane to keep a person alive despite feeling so miserable. All I'm doing is making my parents waste their hard earned money on me while I give nothing in return. The least I could do is show up to class or help around the house, but do I do that? No, I don't. At this point I am useless and my brain has spent all of its time developing into a depressed-lazy person. How am I supposed to get better now? I've been like this for so long now. I can only see suicide as an option, but I can't even do that because I will not put that on my family.
What the hell am I supposed to do now??? I just want to sleep all the time and not do anything, but I can't because I have to go to school and get a job or else my parents will eventually have to kick me out. I can't just live there until they die. FUCK everything, I fucking hate everything